Today I learned that when your surgical doctor says he's "only going to add a little bit more metal" into your spine when you're already vociferously on record as not wanting any more metal in your spine, your surgical doctor is full of shit.
Here is what my spine now looks like:
One of those three rods was there prior to my surgery. The other two are new. But it's not very much metal because these new ones are thinner!
When asked how often these things malfunction -- because I don't want to go through this godawful surgery ever again -- the physician airily said the failure rate was "1 in 1,000" patients. Well that's reassuring! (Here's hoping the car accidents get me first!)
In other news, my Pain Group decided to treat me as a "new patient" and gave me a sheaf of paperwork to fill out, most of it duplicated multiple times across the many forms, and with "pain" spelled as "pan" and "doesn't vary much" spelled as "doesn't very much". And even though my employer has access to all my medical records -- which I had to give them as part of my disability-leave process (please don't ask, it's complicated, just take my word for it) -- the new-patient intake form asked such nice questions as "Do you like your job?" and "Would you go back to your job if you weren't in pain?" and "Are you planning to bring a disability suit against your employer?"
WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS, PAIN GROUP?
(Fortunately, I was able to answer honestly that I do like my job, I am planning to go back, and I have no intention of suing my employer for anything, but still. It's the principal of the thing, dammit.)
For those of you who have noticed the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FACT that I am struggling with depression -- and for those of you who are struggling with depression, you are now my goddamn heroes for getting out of bed every morning and doing anything beyond crying from dawn until dusk because the world is such a very sad place to live in and dear god does Bella Swan make so much sense to me now and you're all going to have to listen to this ad naseum in future Twilight posts I'm sure -- the good news is that I'm on a 20-day plan to get off the medicine that may or may not be majorly screwing up my system.
The other 2/3s of the medications that I'm currently on will continue, but it's probably fine! In fact, I have two new prescriptions to add onto the pile because my doctors are annoyed that my incision isn't healing fast enough, and I'm under Doctor's Orders to EAT MOAR. (Ha. First and last time that will happen, I'm sure.) So who knows what kinds of zany side-effects I'll get next? Only the Shadow knows!
In other news, I loved the Harry Potter debates today, but I'm hoping everyone still loves each other after. Is it too much to ask for a group hug? 'Cause I kind of need one anyway, so yeah.
P.S. Dad Update: Dad has finished his last chemotherapy and his last radiation visit. There's a lag time of a week where he will continue to feel worse and then he may reasonably expect to maybe start feeling better. Now instead of worrying that he's being destroyed by radiation, we can worry that he won't recover fully (his taste buds might not grow back, and he has an increased risk towards new kinds of cancers) and that they maybe didn't get it all. Hooray for worry!
P.P.S. Primary Cat Update: The limping has returned. For several mornings in a row, he clasps Front Left Paw to his chest and hops around for a few feet. Then he brings his paw down and limps on it. Then he goes to a relatively normal, if slow and tentative walk. I am terrified and don't know what to do; he can only be examined under sedation and I don't like to sedate him if at all possible. He's eight years old and technically a "senior" cat but surely too young for arthritis or tendonitis. He's my baby and my soul and I just want him to be better.
54 comments:
Bloody doctors. How dare they lie to you?
With regard to the depression: All I can say is that what helps me is small, accomplishable daily goals. Even something as small as carrying toilet paper upstairs can sometimes be such a big deal.
I wish I lived closer and could volunteer to come with you to the vet's. The chances are it is something like early arthritis, and for that there are diets that can help and tablets to relieve the inflammation, once it's properly diagnosed.
All the hugs, Ana. All of them.
Thank you. Do you know how they test for that? Is it a blood test? He absolutely cannot be examined without sedation -- he is incredibly violent with nurses and will hurt others (and himself) trying to get away -- so I don't like to take him in if I don't have to, AND I'm not sure how they can diagnose him if he's sacked out prone.
dear god does Bella Swan make so much sense to me now
So, on the one hand, you now know where I've been coming from all this time. On the other hand, I really wish you didn't.
So very much I wish you never had the experience to understand, and I hope that experience ends soon.
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In other news, I loved the Harry Potter debates today, but I'm hoping everyone still loves each other after.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I certainly don't love anyone any less than I did before and I think I've been amoung the most vocal arguers.
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Is it too much to ask for a group hug? 'Cause I kind of need one anyway, so yeah.
Group hug.
So, on the one hand, you now know where I've been coming from all this time. On the other hand, I really wish you didn't.
My god, but I do. I'm almost certain it was you who pointed out that Bella hating everyone in addition to hating herself is totally consistent with depression and not confusing or contradictory at all once you have that lens available. You have a comment somewhere in the archives, I could swear to it, that goes something along the lines of, "I suck. Life sucks. Those guys over there REALLY suck." My god, I see it now.
Chris, in case I haven't said so already, I want to take a moment to tell you how much I value your comments here because they are insightful and kind and funny and bring me joy. The idea that you have to deal with what I've been going through tears me up as much as it tears you up that I'm having to go through it now. You're a better person than I am in at least fourteen distinct ways, and I greatly appreciate the advice and insight you've given me in the past weeks on how to deal with this.
And thank you, Jonathan, and everyone -- both before and after -- for the hugs. Husband says I must come eat dinner now.
Argh, so the doctor ignores your requests and then lies? That sucks majorly. Ugh. I really, really hope things start turning for the better somehow for you.
In regards to your cat's illness: A friend of mine has a two year old cat that somehow ripped open one of his toes - who knows how, cats can get in the weirdest situations sometimes - and they noticed this by how he would do the exact same behavior that you described for your cat. They took him in, and barely got him medication in time to curb the infection. So they saved his paw. So this is why I'm concerned about infection.
It's very possible your cat hurt his paw in a similar manner to my friend's cat, and because paws are highly used, it's probably taking a long time to heal. Is there any way you can look at the paw itself? Have someone hold it while another quickly looks at the paw? (You can even deck yourself up in padding to avoid scratches.) If it really is hurt, then there's the possibility of infection, and that needs to be treated right away if it is infected. If sedation is the only way to examine him, then that may be the only route to go to make sure it isn't infected. Though giving any cat medication can be quite a challenge.
I'm lucky that my cat is fairly open to me handling him and giving him medication, but then he's more passive than most cats to begin with which is in his favor for such situation. Good luck, and I really, really hope he gets better. The poor kitty.
Content Note: Depression, PTSD, discussion of suicidal thoughts as a result of depression
Depression is so incredibly sneaky in the worst ways possible. That's something I noticed about Bella as well, and worse, in my eyes when I read the series, Edward played on her depression against her. At least that's how I interpreted a lot of his actions.
*offers hugs* Depression is so hard to handle, and it can just incapacitate you. For me, depression coupled with PTSD (at least how doctors diagnosed me that year) a few years ago completely crippled me to the point I was partially hospitalized, it's also when I realized there was slight differences between the two as well. Both are crippling in their own different ways, but depression I almost view as worse because it just blankets all will to survive, while PTSD in my case would cause spikes of adrenaline when I was triggered, spurring me into action - not always healthy action, but it was better than the overwhelming gloom that blanketed my thoughts, leading me close to thoughts of suicide. I probably shouldn't compare the two - apples and oranges analogy there - but that's just how I experienced both, and how I came to realize the differences, map out how to determine which is which, and techniques to combat each. If that makes sense? I've had depression off and on since then.
I'd say one technique is positive thoughts - especially when the negative ones come. It's so hard to do, but it helps to avoid falling deeper and deeper into the negative well of self-loathing. It took me years to pull myself out of that, but then I was working on this entirely on my own. With your family at your side, they can help you combat negative thoughts in whatever way works for you. Also, every little step forward in depression is a huge victory, because it's a sign of improvement and healing, and that should always be celebrated for what it is.
Don't know if any of that helped you, but wanted to let you know that I feel for you, and am sending positive, healing thoughts your way.
Group hug sounds good to me! *hughughug*
I'm subcontracting the hug I'm sending to my octopus, since she can give you a group hug all by herself.
{{{{HUGS THE GROUP}}}}
You have an octopus?! Can I hug it? Please?
*hugs Ana in the meantime*
Hoping good things for you, Ana, and your dad, and Primary Cat, and everyone else here.
I still think everyone is awesome, but, well, I would, since they're the ones on the more-clearly-defensible side of the HP debates. But the key thing here is: *GROUP HUG*
Also, a friend keeps on spamming me with pictures of corgi puppies, so I feel I might as well spread them around: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lbv8hpG9pE1qbwakso1_500.jpg
That's the weird thing -- I've gently held him down while Husband has examined him and we couldn't find any cuts or open wounds or thorns. And when he's snuggled against me (he's Mama's Baby but everyone else beware), I've surreptitiously squeezed his paw and he hasn't squeaked like it's painful. Just sort of looked at me like "whatcha doing, mommy?" If the paw was hurting, wouldn't my squeezing the paw get a reaction from my incredibly vocal cat? It's puzzling!
Is that a litter of TEN? That's ten times more cute than previously thought possible. o.O
*joins group hug*
*hugs*
I hope things get better soon.
Joining group hug, and wishing everyone involved the joy depicted in the accompanying picture.
http://api.ning.com/files/j7A-L59MMwWJzTqGQh84FZUqebAPJ7jfo3CzAQ*fHcJHc4muxghjJXPT3rOm2FBK4HuSIx9GGMVnMMkKN1f7MwJmbNGDJtUd/stilts.jpg
Huh. That is puzzling! Have you tried touching each of his toes on his paws and running your hand up and down his leg to see if he reacts to that? Hopefully, the poor kitty doesn't have arthritis of some sort.
I have! Several times, including just now. I've run my hands all over his legs and he just looks at me. Normally if I was hurting him, he would TELL me. (He tells me if I'm just rubbing him the wrong way. He's very vocal.)
It's breaking my heart. Three weeks ago, he went to the vet a capering kitten who scolds everyone for existing and picks fights with his sister. One week after visiting the vet, the limp started and he basically won't leave the bedroom and rests all the time. I thought maybe it was an after-effect of the sedation -- they sedate them heavily to do dental work -- and maybe he'd jumped and sprained his leg or something.
But the limp has been going for two weeks now and I'm near-frantic. I don't know if taking him back in will make it worse, or if they can even diagnose arthritis with him sedated. I want my baby back and I'm afraid that no matter what I do, it will be the wrong thing.
Content note: depression, mention of abuse.
*hug* Oh, man, has the depression been hitting me hard. I know where you're coming from, Ana. I'm not the best at coping with it and I'm on Prozac. I never thought of Bella as being depressed in Twilight; I thought it was a major issue in New Moon, but I haven't read the series--just deconstructions of it. Edward always comes off as abusive and unhealthy to me.
~Lily~
Ana, have you phoned the vet to ask? They can be fairly helpful over the phone, and can help you decide whether it is worth bringing him in. (Assuming you trust your vet.)
I would not, however, put some of it past his being incredibly confused by you -- first you were gone, now you're back but you are acting funny and smelling funny and just being different than you usually are. If he is still eating properly and using the litter box normally, it is unlikely to be an emergency situation.
I am sorry to hear about the depression. I do hope that getting off the appropriate drugs helps there. Being depressed just sucks and it is miserable. It feels really great when it lifts, but that is cold comfort (especially when you know it's only going to return).
And, uh, I didn't mean that your depression was going to return. I hope it doesn't! I just meant that mine does. Sorry.
Thinking about my experiences with having cats and talking with vets, infection could be suggested in a sedated cat through fever or blood work (elevated white-cell count). Bone fractures could be diagnosed via x-ray, but a vet would most likely miss anything soft-tissue related like tendons or ligaments. You'd need a kitty-MRI for that, and it probably wouldn't be called for.
But really, if it's causing dysfunction and isn't getting better, that's pretty much the definition of when to take an animal to the vet. The sedation and stress aren't *good*, but they're temporary things. (Heartbreaking, but temporary.)
*hugs for Ana and anyone else who needs/wants one*
I wonder if a video of the cat's behavior would help (assuming you have a video-capable camera, or camera phone, or something of that nature). No idea if that would give the vet more useful information than a description, but you never know.
Also, maybe it's a joint thing where only putting weight on that leg hurts? I once helped look after a cat who'd had a nasty broken leg, and even after it was all healed up he wouldn't put any weight on it, but we could touch the leg and manipulate it without getting any complaints.
Also also, have another cat-jumping-into-boxes video.
I missed the whole HP argument (no disqus at work and out all night) but I hope I'm not too late for the hug.
Best wishes for you, your dad and your poor little kitty.
And I continue to be amazed at how well you write even when things are so difficult.
Bloody doctors.
*group hug*
Good thoughts for your recovery, your dad's recovery, and Primary Cat's recovery.
I wish I knew of something that would help with Primary Cat. It's so much harder with cats that don't want to be examined, but if he's been having paw/leg trouble for that long, it should probably be looked at. Poor kitty.
Also, your doctor was a complete asshole (and behaved unethically, I think) to do that to you.
Loquat, you're a genius, and I could kiss you. I don't know what's wrong with me that I hadn't thought of video taping it. That is the new goal: video the behavior, send to vet, and then decide what to do.
Un/Fortunately, two videos later this morning and he refuses to limp for the camera: he walked over to me normally and then scampered to grab the reflected light from the video that hit the wall. Here's hoping that the video camera miraculously healed a two-week long limp. o.O
TW: Invasive / Unwilling Body Augmentation
*sigh* Thank you (and everyone) for the commiseration re: doctor behavior. I don't know WHAT to think. He had said he'd only put in a "little bit" in and referred to his plan to put more metal in as "a couple of clips". Since we were fusing 2 vertebrae -- the top and the bottom -- Husband and I thought the "clips" would be confined to a single vertebrae each.
The doctor brought all this up out-of-the-blue two days before the surgery, when it was really not feasible to cancel. We tried to ask more questions, but the doctor scampered out of the room as he "had another patient" waiting. We were deeply concerned, but didn't know what to do besides trust him.
Post-surgery, the doctor came and visited me all of ONCE, even though I was there in the hospital for seven days. They never showed me my x-rays or told me what they'd done or if things went to plan or if he got in there and went "oh, shit! we need more support, stat!" We *still* don't know -- the picture above was gotten in a follow-up visit yesterday with one of his physician assistant/partners.
On the one hand, my surgeon is an expert. He's supposed to be one of the best in the area. People fly to our state to see him, supposedly. Maybe this was absolutely necessary and couldn't be helped. And... what's done is done. They can't undo it without opening me back up and I *cannot* go through this surgery again. So crying over it seems like crying over milk that was spilt by an expert in knowing-when-to-throw-milk-around.
But on the other hand... I'm REALLY upset. Sad, angry, frustrated. I did *not* want more metal in, and we weren't at all acclimated to the idea of how MUCH would be going in. I had no build-up to this at all; the physician yesterday was STILL saying it was "only a little bit" when I walked into the X-Ray display room and that picture hit me in the face. I whirled around and said "that's three times as much!" and he said "no, no, but these are THINNER so it's only a little bit!" Silly ME, I guess.
It's dreadfully difficult to put your body in someone else's hands and trust them not to alter you during sedation. I'm recalling The Hunger Games and how Haymitch had to fight to keep them from giving Katniss a breast augmentation while she was unconscious. I feel kind of like that, only instead of bigger breasts, I've suddenly gotten a spine that feels -- and I'm sure my surgeon would say it's all in my imagination -- HEAVIER. And I'm kind of mourning over that.
*hugs*
I second the suggestion to call the vet. They could at least tell you if it's worth bringing your cat in. Seems like a video would be really helpful too.
CN: cat injury, possible surgery
I sympathize on the limping cat thing. We just took our cat to the vet a week ago because he was limping. Luckily, he does not need to be sedated and the problem was more obvious (we could tell by looking that something was wrong with his pad). The vet is a little puzzled by what's wrong with it, though - he suspects that our cat cut his pad and it grew in funny, so now he has this extra bit of pad/skin irritating his toe pads. The main problem is how to fix it. Cat is on antibiotics now (which I suspect he might be allergic to, because all of a sudden he is sneezing constantly and the only time he's done that before is the last time he had to be on antibiotics), and the vet suggested soaking his paw in an epsom salt bath, which we tried once and only once, but otherwise the treatment would seem to be minor surgery to cut the extra paw bit away and then hope it grows back normally. But then what if it doesn't? Keep cutting it back until it does? Let it be, and hope it doesn't irritate his paw too often? I don't know what we're going to do about it. I hope you are able to work out Primary Cat's limping issues more easily!
*hugs to Ana and hugs to kittycat* All that really sucks. Here's hoping the end of the medication helps you get back on an even keel..
On the Pain Center's questions about potential lawsuits. I'll bet they get a lot of patients with work related injuries. In such cases, if there is a lawsuit, they'll have to testify about test results and treatments given. Presumably, they don't want to be blindsided. They probably don't have different forms for work related vs. not work related problems.
Well, I feel better that there's at least a reason.
I don't know if this would be worth it, and this is very off-the-cuff, but would it be worth filing a complaint against the doctor for misrepresenting the amount of metal he was going to put in? Or even writing a note to be included in your patient file that you were not aware of what exactly was going to be done, the doctor refused to clarify before or after, and you don't approve of what was done - and he should have known that based on the conversations you had? It sounds from what you write above that he was evasive, even deceptive, and was aware that you didn't want what he'd already determined to do. What a slimy thing for him to do!
But only you know if you feel that would be worthwhile. I know you may not have the spoons to fight over what's a done deal, and sometimes it's not worth it to stir the pot.
The Pain Group questions sound really intrusive. I suppose they have reasons *they* feel they need to know that information, but that seems over the top to me. And seriously, repeating the same questions redundantly over and over? To someone who can be assumed to be in pain? The forms full of misspellings though, that just takes the cake. Good job there, Pain Group.
I hope your kitty feels better soon. I would wonder about joint pain or pain high up in the leg, especially since you say he seems better after he's moved around some. I am not a vet, or any kind of expert on animal medical problems. I was going to suggest video, but I've been beaten to the punch there. And how cat-like, not to limp when you're trying to record him limping! Cat, someone's trying to save you a lot of trouble, here...
I'm really not into group hugs, but I'll go ahead and jump in on this one. Sounds like you could use it! I hope the changes in the meds helps, and quickly! I am glad to hear your dad is through chemo and may start to feel better soon.
*belatedly contributes to the group hug*
My scaredykitten sends his love to Primary Cat.
And how cat-like, not to limp when you're trying to record him limping! Cat, someone's trying to save you a lot of trouble, here...
LOL, I thought the same thing. Contrary Cat!
For those not into hugs -- and I fully understand that position as someone who can't physically hug much in Real Life -- "Group Waves" are also welcome and sufficient as a show of good feelings. ;)
Re: Doctor, I... yeah. Spoons. But also there's The Terrible Bargain We Have Struck in that I'm going to need dedicated care for my back for the rest of my life. If this guy is *the* specialist to see in the area, I can't really afford to alienate him, no matter how much he might deserve censure. It sucks.
*group hug*
The vet diagnosed arthritis in my old darling when he x-rayed her hind legs. I had noticed she was lame and not jumping as well as she used to. I don't know whether he figured out from the x-ray or if that helped him eliminate all other causes (she was 12).
The treatment was a feline equivalent of ibuprofin for relieving inflammation and pain. There is a cat biscuit formulated for arthritis but at this point I was mostly trying to get her to eat enough that she wasn't always so terribly thin, so I didn't try to switch her to new biscuit.
Several times, including just now. I've run my hands all over his legs and he just looks at me. Normally if I was hurting him, he would TELL me. (He tells me if I'm just rubbing him the wrong way. He's very vocal.)
This does sound like my kitty when she had athritis. On the other hand the rapid onset doesn't. I noticed my kitty was lame after she did a tremendous skid-and-recover on a patch of ice.
All the hugs to the group for all the problems that we're going through. And a rage-filed, large ARGH at the doctor who sidestepped the question by referring to volume rather than quantity.
Hope your dad comes through fine and gets all the way back to 100%.
As for Primary Cat, well, Chewer Dog sprained his leg a few Weeks ago, and limped and didn't limp, and eventually a took him in. Antibiotics, having to carry him a lot of places, and a doctor checking to make sure that a joint want slipping out, and he's back to normal. It's that joint slipping thing that I wondered about with Primary Cat - perhaps whatever bothers him is something that is movable, so that it its occasionally aligned and occasionally out of alignment.
In all cases, lots of good feelings to you and Primary Cat.
I don't know what kind of hospital system you're a patient at, but you might look into the possibility that there is a Patient Advocate who could advise you on how to, at the very least, get your doctor to talk to you about what he put in and explain his reasoning.
I am a veteran, so I get all my health care through the VA medical system, which I usually really like (hurrah for single payer health care!). I have had a couple of really bad experiences; long story short, I learned about the existence of the Patient Advocate office too late to do me any good, because they really don't advertise the existence of the post. Perhaps your hospital has a similar kind of person who could help you, if you (or your husband or whoever) can track them down.
UPDATE: Primary Cat has not limped since the video camera suggestion and is back to loudly and angrily scolding us for existing. Here's hoping that the limp doesn't return. :)
That's great news!
That's very good news. Still might be worth talking to the vet at the next time Primary Cat needs an exam about the limp to see if the vet can figure out what might be wrong with the occasional limp.
Hugs and group hugs for all.
TW: Depression
My depression is pretty mild, compared to what I know exists, and I can go a long time between having it. So I know that this doesn't work for everyone, and maybe it only works at all for me because I'm lucky. But for me the most important thing is to know that it will pass. It's there, it's terrible, it's as real as a broken ankle (and just as incapacitating, in its own way). But it's not the whole world, and in days, or weeks, or months, it will be gone. For me, it's very important to try to see the depression as something outside myself, and something that will heal.
Did someone say Corgi puppies?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZF5S5ko8dc
Great news about Primary Cat! I hope he stays well.
Just thought of a vaguely humorous limping cat story... One of our cats, Cookie, had been perfectly fine, until one evening when we disturbed her from a nap and she moved away, dragging one of her hind legs behind her. I mean, it was like the leg wouldn't even work. So of course we picked her up and tried to check out her leg - and of course she wanted nothing to do with us and was having no part of us examining her leg. Eventually, we left her alone, thinking that if she was still limping in the morning, I could take her to the vet.
Later that night, she was walking normally again. The limp never reoccurred. After a while, we concluded that her leg had fallen asleep while she was napping and was fine once circulation got going again.
I'm very glad to hear that your kitty is feeling better. I've had similar experiences with mine, where one will develop a hitch or some odd affliction, and it'll eventually just disappear. I hope that's all it was for you too.
Re. filing a complaint against the doctor - just as a head's up, they can't be anonymous anymore, and I've spoken to a lot of people in a position like yours where they aren't at all happy with the outcome of a procedure but can't afford to alienate the practitioner - maybe the physician is a demonstrated expert in the field, or is the only one left who's willing to write controlled substances for pain management.... Complaints are kept confidential as long as possible, but there's no guarantee that the physician wouldn't figure out who it was once the investigator starts requesting medical records.
The pain management stuff is something that really bothers me. I understand the purpose behind all the regulations, but it seems like the doctors who are trying to follow the rules get bogged down, and get scared for their licenses if anything appears the least bit out of place, so they start dropping those patients. Meanwhile, we've shut down a few of the ones running pill mills, but mostly they don't register and stay below the radar until we get a complaint - and someone who's filling hundreds of prescriptions for resell isn't necessarily going to report the doctor he/she gets them from. So the people who really get shafted are the ones like the guy who called last week, whose wife is dealing with constant chronic pain and their doctor has informed them he's no longer going to treat them.
Basically, a complaint has to be either a violation of the Medical Practice Act, or of basic standard of care, so we'd have to be able to determine that the doctor misrepresented the procedure such that what you agreed to was not what happened (which might be do-able, if he lied about what was involved) or that he performed the procedure in a way that other experts in the field would agree was inappropriate or not substantiated by the situation. If you decide that's what you want to do, I can give you more information.... Every complaint does get reviewed to see if it's jurisdictional, and every one that is jurisdictional does get investigated. It just takes a while because of the backlog.
Gelliebean, thank you for this information.
I don't think I'll file a complaint because, well, I'm one of those people who wants to think the best of everyone. My brain says, "It's not HIS fault that he thinks in terms of volume and you think in terms of surface area!" and "It's not HIS fault that you don't know what a 'clip' is, and aren't familiar with the lingo!"
I know in my heart that it's more complicated than that, and that he does have a professional responsibility to be more informative with his patients and that he shirked that responsibility with me. But I do have to continue working with them, probably for the remainder of my life, and I hate-hate-hate conflict. (I hate the IDEA of conflict.)
So I'll almost certainly let it pass. But thank you for posting this; maybe it will be helpful to someone else lurking. :)
Honestly, I would probably do (or not do) the same thing myself, for the same reasons.... I'd also like to add the caveat that I'm only familiar with Texas procedures, so anyone in another state should rely on their state medical board for accurate information.
The disregard to your explicit wishes and being evasive (I'd say lying) about it is just horrible, Ana. It's sickening that medical practicioners still think they know better than the patient wants and proceed to go behind your back instead of explaining that this really is necessary. But yea, I totally get the not wanting to rock the boat. Group wave and sharing-of-puppy-pictures, here's hoping you don't win the complications lottery. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUEw5vCXw6w
I've been trying to respond to this since it was first posted, what disqus tells me is three days now.
I have yet to find the right words. You have said so already, but that doesn't make me appreciate it any less that you say it now. When I don't get feedback I tend to feel like no one cares, or worse, so hearing otherwise is very important for me.
I very much doubt I'm better than you in so much as one way, I know it's bad form to turn down a complement, but I think you're selling yourself short.
This has been thrust upon you while I've had much of my life to get used to it, and I still fall down. As I did today. I don't know if screaming profanity helps, but sometimes it seems the thing to do. (And yet most of the time my depression manifests in quieter ways.)
I'm also not sure how much advice and insight I've given you, but whatever it was I hope it helped and continues to help until you've reached the point where you not longer need help.
-
Looks like my very first, "Hey, Bella could be depressed post," was here I pointed out that Bella could be seeing herself and others negatively here and started my journey toward coining the term "excrement colored glasses" in the process.
I didn't think either of those was what you wanted, and was about to give up when I found this:
Is there a term for something who simultaneously exhibits low self-esteem whilst also feeling inherently superior to almost everyone around them?
I think ordinary depression can pull that one off.
It would be something like:
I suck. Life sucks. Everything around me sucks. *notices person* You really suck.
Seeing the worst in everything could certainly leave you convinced that you're worthless but no one else is any better. I think.
At the very least when I'm at my worst in terms of depression I'm very impatient with other people and less than charitable in how I judge them. I don't know if I've ever felt Bella levels of superiority, in fact I'm pretty sure I haven't, but I do know there have been times when all I could see was what was wrong with everyone around me and it definitely made me have very low opinions of, basically, everyone and everything.
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Anyway, I hope you're better soon, thank you for the kind words. And be aware that you have helped me to get through some of my darkest times just by having this blog.
Thank you. I'm glad that you responded, but you never need to worry -- I understand now how many more spoons it takes to respond to the Serious Stuff than to the fun stuff. I'm just glad you comment at all.
And it means so much to me to know that something I've done has helped someone. I take... Helping and Harming very seriously, so hearing about the Help pushes me past the Harm. Thank you.
(I'm also happily astonished at how close I got the quote.)
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