Vampire,
angel,
Viking,
lover,
Navy SEAL
What mortal woman could resist him?
KISS OF SURRENDER
the second installation of SANDRA HILL's smouldering DEADLY ANGELS series
I dunno. It's a compelling ad, but I feel like it needs a little something more. Ninja, maybe. Or pterodactyl. Possibly a ninja-pterodactyl, which is obviously the sexiest kind of supernatural ninja.
52 comments:
Oh hey, it's the woman who wrote the Viking Navy Seal series! She must have run out of time-traveling medieval Viking/Navy SEAL scenarios and felt the need to up the ante.
For your enjoyment, here's a tidbit from one of the Viking Navy Seal series, Wet & Wild:
“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”
Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.
“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”
At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection.
[...]
Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.
My favorite bit from the Amazon Wet & Wild page, incidentally, is the negative review from someone complaining that the author clearly didn't do much research on Navy SEAL life and training, and that it's totally unrealistic that the Navy would let this guy hang around and become a SEAL while claiming to be a time-traveling medieval Viking.
The ad neglects to mention that this guy was apparently also a sheikh. All the romance tropes covered there! No, I haven't read it, but a friend did a deconstruction of the first book in the series and it seems much worse and less amusing than the ad purports...
Conversation with Husband, after skimming Amazon page:
Ana: It's apparently also Abstinence Porn. Because angels know that premarital sex is a sin.
Husband: Angels can get married??
OK, that deconstruction thread is Made of Win. +1
Vampire,
angel,
Viking,
lover,
Navy SEAL
What mortal woman could resist him?
A lesbian mortal woman, perhaps? An asexual mortal woman? A mortal woman who is happiy married and doesn't find cheating on her spouse a morally acceptable thing to do? A mortal woman who just doesn't find vampires, angels or Vikings sexy? Or maybe a mortal woman who...
...Oh. I wasn't supposed to actually answer the question? Oh. Sorry.
And thank you for pointing out the heteronormativity in the ad. A very good point to bring up.
Loquat, THAT. IS. AMAZING.
And people say that the self-publishing bubble doesn't produce timeless art. I could not come up with that if I TRIED.
I feel there's a joke in there somewhere about eVangels and eVangelizing people.
Lucipires? Lucifer's...vampires? It sounds like a gothic cathedral structure to me, somehow.
It doesn't sound all that over-the-top to me, but I think that's mostly because it sounds kind of like "I Dream of Jeannie" (the 60s (?) TV show).
I hadn't thought of that. "I Dream of Jeannie" in a combat zone.
That can't. I mean. What. How can that be written and not be a parody? I almost laughed my lungs out.
No, not vampires, angelic American Indians were totes werewolves. Twilight is historically accurate, right? Besides being angelic werewolves, they were possibly also plumbers, because while women can resist angels, werewolves, and vampires, there are times when you need a plumber and there's simply no denying it.
This is what happens when people can't pick a romance genre, and instead go for 'all of the above'. I can't believe the word 'Nephilim' hasn't come up yet.
Is he also a cowboy? Did I miss cowboy?
I've got notes somewhere for a romance novel where she's a genie, and he's a US Marine, and I thought that was kind of over the top. (They meet somewhat cute but mostly deadly in Iraq, and bond because they're both from Texas...)
Okay, found some details on her worldbuilding in the blurb about the third in the vampire zombie bee-keeper viking pirate angel series.
Ivak Sigurdsson is dead...well, sort of. Guilty of the sin of lust, he’s been given an unusual penance: spend eternity as a Viking Vampire Angel, or Vangel, fighting Lucipires, Satan’s vampire demons on earth.
Was somebody scooping up wayward vikings and angelizing them? I just don't--what the hell did I just read?
Vangel?
Vangel???
Bwahahahaha!
...
Wait...
Lucipires??????
This is comedy gold!
Some not-very-small part of me wants to read one of her books. Perhaps this one:
Magnus is a 10th century Viking farmer.
Angela is a modern-day vineyard owner.
He has eleven bothersome children.
She yearns for just one child.
He takes a vow of celibacy...
Even though he is a very virile man.
Maybe he was one of the nice ones who discovered the Americas and handed out gifts to the vampire angel American Indians, their supernatural brothers across the sees. Those existed, right?
Also: ugh, swype autocorrect. It has fought me on almost every word.
Including "word" just now, which it thinks should be "error", a sure sign that it has gained sentience and is arguing with me.
Wait, so, was he an angel when he was a viking? Angels were going around pillaging churches? Or was he secretly sabotaging their mission, freeing slaves, etc? Either way, this puts a whole new spin on medieval history.
The first book in this series says the angel is, I quote:
"Is he really a Viking with a vampire’s bite? An angel with the body of a thunder god? A lone wolf with love on his mind?" So he's a Vampire viking angel Thor werewolf angel lover.
The ad you posted is misleading, though, Ana. The author's site makes it clear that he is also a gladiator, a cowboy, a ditch-digger and a sheik.
I am also intrigued by one of her other books, which is described as "Mayhap he'll even beg her to wed...so long as she can promise he'll no longer be... The Blue Viking."
Ugh, the angel cowboys are such poseurs. They like to wear the boots and the hats and the shiny belt buckles, but half of them have never ridden a horse in their unlife, and almost all of them only go out to the country when they need a fresh coat of "authentic" mud on their wings.
I'm intrigued by the addition of gladiator, though. Weren't many of them slaves? Was he a vampire angel slave? Er, I mean a slave while also a vampire angel, not the slave of a vampire angel.
I've told you about how at some point I want to get around to writing the better movie forming inside my head as I watched Percy Jackson in which the transgender apparent son* of the goddess of dew stars and his, for that is the pronoun character would use for most of the story, only power is the ability to create water (ex nihilo) on surfaces, right?
Because part of the climax of that would involve a duel to decide the fate of whatever the hell's fate needs deciding with bad guy's air force of winged demigods notably absent and thus not bound by the, "Army has to surrender if bad guy loses," pact. So after bad guy loses (his powers are electrical, they're not much fun when you're all wet) he's laughing because his air force is going to come in and kill the good guys anyway.
At which point main character says something along the lines of, do you know why ducks have oil on their feathers, do you know why an [I forget the name of the bird] flaps before flight, do you know why crows don't swim? Wet wings don't fly.
And the airforce drops out of the sky for feathers have many surfaces on which to produce water ex nihilo.
-
*Realizing it's actually daughter would be a major step forward in character's willingness to be herself instead of himself.
This also reminded me:
http://www.avclub.com/articles/what-will-be-the-next-abstinence-vampire,8312/
What Will Be The Next Abstinence Vampire?
I like "Purity Ring Werewolf", but really, there's something for everyone here.
It's mean to make someone who's having coughing fis laugh that hard. Hell, that makes Nocturne novels look sensible (and one of them has Jack Frost being seduced by a woman he's been *spoilerz* sent to assasinate).
I like the idea that 'lover' is a reasonable thing to call people in general, as opposed saying they are a lover _of_ someone or something. But, perhaps I'm just being a hater. ;)
But I find myself confused by the theological implications of a vampire angel. (Vampires named Angel, OTOH, are perfectly fine.) Also, how does someone who is both vampire and angel pass the Navy physical? You'd think they would catch that. No heartbeat, no breathe, the frickin wings...
I can't get over the fact that there's - apparently - an entire deadly angels series. What are the rest of the angels? And why are they deadly? And why is this romantic? But, most importantly, what are the rest of the angels?
Mummy,
Angel,
Highlander,
Lover, (I assume that's a given, along with angel)
Bomb Squad Tech
Werewolf,
Angel,
Centurion,
Lover,
MI 6 Agent
Zombie,
Angel,
Cossack
Lover,
Firefighter
...
The original is still weirder, somehow. Not only is it hilarisome, it's impossible to parody.
Depizan, my brain is in awe of your brain.
Looked up the "publisher" and their imprint. It looks like they literally take anything. No formatting restrictions, very few genre or qualitative notes. I'm not surprised, just a little... Eh.
I felt then and still do, that that story needs very much to exist. :)
Nope. Post title is misleading. This is clearly from the surreal world.
I'm still trying to figure out why the American Navy would employ angels as SEALs. Seems like those wings would get kind of weighty underwater.
(Not pictured: A third slide on the ad that suggests that falling for the person in the ad could be deadly for the "mortal woman" under discussion. In which case, I'm pretty sure *I* could resist him. Call me boring like that. LOL.)
I just realized what Literature needs. Angelic vampiric zombie werewolves. With cute kitty cats.
I dunno. It's a compelling ad, but I feel like it needs a little something more.
Comic sans. Or maybe Wingdings.
Going to eleven, not always a good thing.
But always entertaining. If only the book lived up to its hilarisome ad! (I suppose it might. But, really, could anything?)
As a bicultural bisexual with far too many moving parts and identities, I can sort of relate, but it does sound as though this guy is a little overextended.
And "Blue Viking" makes me assume he would be black, although the picture doesn't seem to support that--the Vikings called Africans "blue men".
Also, I have to agree that the SEALs probably check your paperwork pretty thoroughly, and don't let folks in if you appear to believe that you're a Viking vampire angel. I suppose 'Vangels' get provided with excellent cover stories?
the Vikings called Africans "blue men"
Really? So that's where the Irish duine gorm comes from? I've always wondered that.
TRiG.
The ad you posted is misleading, though, Ana. The author's site makes it clear that he is also a gladiator, a cowboy, a ditch-digger and a sheik.
Am I the only one who finds ditch-digger the most interesting of his... thingys. Jobs, species, beings, whatevers.
And that's surprising because I'm very much a fan of angels in general, though I've not really read any angel fiction which could possibly change that.
Anyway, the epic love story of a ditch digger sounds much better than the whole Vamkingel Loveal Gladcoweik thing.
Ninja pterodactyl maybe, but this whole Vamkingel Loveal Gladcoweik thing just seems boring.
Vam-kin-gel not Vam-king-el. Three letters from each, a pattren continued through each, unintentionally I might add, except for Glad instead of Gla. I suppose it could be Glacowiek to continue it completely.
An argument could be made for one syllable for each in which case I think it would be:
Vam-king-gel Love-seal Glad-cow-sheikh. I think that too many of the words are one syllable for that to be fun.
I read it all, too. (In installments, over the course of a day.) I think my face is stuck like this now. O_o
What the everliving fuck did I just read about? Its no wonder there's a link somewhere in there to someone doing a comparison between one of Sandra Hill's books and one of John Ringo's Oh, John Ringo, No books.
You forgot to mention the odd prudery that would've seemed more at home in a Christian imprint's romance novel. Sex, bad. Descriptions of torture and rape (thankfully not included in the decon,) a-okay. Nude swimming, your ticket to hell. Rapey vampire cleansing, a-okay.
W. T. F.
O_o
From what I picked up from the thread, there just seems to be a fairly extreme level of ethical fail, not to mention failure of imagination. (The demon horde's best attempt at absolute debauchery of human souls appears to involve something like the Erotic Exotic Ball on a boat--chartered out of Libya because you can't have a swinger's cruise with workshops on bondage and nekkid swimming out of the United States, clearly. That would be impossible.)
I read all 21 pages of the forum thread. It's epically awesome, but advance warning: there are torture and rape bits.
"Also, you could probably get a decent vampire connection out of the whole Valkyrie choosers-of-the-slain thing, if you were into that."
We dash through the night skies,
Flashing our white thighs,
Picking up dead guys,
You call this a job?
Per the hilarious deconstruction thread, the author of this book apparently takes the Valkyrie concept a bizarre step to the side by having the hero come to after his death demanding his 'seventy virgin Valkyries'. I think there may be a slight crosswiring of afterlife beliefs going on there.
He was partially dyed with a potion the heroine spilled on him, which left an indelible blue mark on his face, shaped like a lightning bolt.
Darn! I had something rather lower on his body being blue.
I, on the other hand, can only substitute "Blue Viking" for "Blue Christmas" a la Elvis Presley. So...thanks. ;)
Also, you could probably get a decent vampire connection out of the whole Valkyrie choosers-of-the-slain thing, if you were into that.
And "Blue Viking" makes me assume he would be black
I've read that book. He was partially dyed with a potion the heroine spilled on him, which left an indelible blue mark on his face, shaped like a lightning bolt. ... It's a very, very WEIRD book. Funny, in parts, but WEIRD, and probably slightly problematic in ways I wasn't old enough or experienced enough to divine.
Yes, that makes perfect sense, now. Dear God.
It's horrible, and I expect it to only get worse (I'm reading the deconstruction you linked), but it is also quite funny - mainly because it insists on going to eleven (possibly twelve) in the most bizarre and inexplicable ways possible. Surprise!Lizzie Borden, random dude, not funny/too soons, absurdly tragic past for the heroine... It is pure, unadulterated W.T.F.
It has also convinced me that I could probably write down my most implausible dreams and get them published - at least by that publisher. Because even my subconscious has nothing on Sandra Hill.
I'm on a page 13 now, and I started to skip quotes and only read the deconstructor's comments three or four pages ago. If it's going to get even worse, I have no idea *how*.
Oh, damn. I'm late to the snark party. But I had a really good time falling over laughing at all the possibilities here.
We haven't even seen the more exotic possibilities here yet, either. Maybe he's also a Kappa, and so his SEAL status is there to make sure he's always near water. Or, as it turns out, he's a nine-tailed fox who really enjoys pranking women by making their wildest fanfic dreams come true...but all in one person, all at once.
I like the Kappa idea. A frog demon who has to keep an open bowl of water on his head, and becomes vulnerable if it's spilled (via bowing, or sumo wrestling, or whatever), and loves cucumbers above all other foods, and can be chased off with ginger... clearly, this is the next paranormal romance hero waiting to happen.
Kappa,
Angel,
Samurai,
Lover,
Irrigation Engineer
In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.
Oh yeah, I remember that! People were passing that scene around Tumblr a while back and laughing. Well, if it's the same author that makes this book sound much more appealing.
Ooh, decon thread. *goes to read*
And "Blue Viking" makes me assume he would be black
See, I assumed it wasn't his entire body that was blue in that particular book.
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