Film Corner: Bird Box

[TW: Ableism]

Alright, BIRD BOX, you get five minutes to make your case for why you exist.

We open with the standard zombie apocalypse broadcast. WE ARE HERE, COME FIND SURVIVORS.

Sandra Bullock is looking me in the face and saying this is gonna feel like forever and it's gonna be hard to stay alert and it's very meta and I'm supposed to chortle and say SANDY YOU'VE NO IDEA HOW RIGHT YOU ARE, IT'S MY BEDTIME. I refuse. I'm as alert as a peckish tiger, BIRD BOX. Your move.

She tells two children that if they take off their blindfolds she will hurt them, so we see that "not giving reasons" is both bad parenting AND bad tension building. The kids' names are Boy and Girl. That's gonna get complicated when they both come out as trans later in my version.

Okay, they actually are very young children, but there's no reason not to give them reasons! Crisp is as tiny a baby as these babies are, and I still give him reasons so he'll hear that I have reasons! It's easier to follow a rule if there's a REASON.

She tells them absolutely no talking but "if you hear something in the water, you tell me". TELL YOU HOW? If you were giving reasons and allowing questions and not just threatening to hurt them, you might save yourself a lot of trouble. I'd mind this less if it weren't a brazenly open refusal to tell us what's going on. Just start on the water with everyone being quiet and let us think you prepped the kids properly beforehand, don't be meta-cutesy at me, BIRD BOX.

There is a bird and it's going into a box, so whatever else happens we have a title which works, a round of gold stars and cinnamon rolls for everyone in the bar.

Wait, they have actual blindfolds on? As in flimsy pieces of cloth that flop off your face when you sweat? Why aren't you wearing hoods or cloth sacks???? No, I demand an answer to this! Blindfolds do not stay put on your face! They probably had to wear, like, special tape just to keep them on while filming. I'm just saying, if I thought a flimsy strip of cloth was the only thing standing between Crisp and death, he would be TRIPLE BAGGED.

@achouck23: But how will we see Sandra Bullock's face?

Look, you make a point but COUNTERPOINT we watched DOOM and suffered the terrible fate of having Karl Urban's beautiful face being covered.

I meant DREDD and was going to correct it (I'm sick, shut up) and then realized that Karl Urban was also in DOOM and now I'm staring at the carpet fibers and thinking about the universe. I was the only person in the LORD OF THE RINGS screening who squealed "omg that's Aphrodite's boy all growed up" when Eogan came on, and if you were in that screening with me I'm sorry it just surprised me.

.....anyway.

They made it to the water and a boat. Sandra made a lot of noise for someone who was all DON'T MAKE ANY NOISE minutes before.

My biggest pet peeve on earth is surely when I'm live-tweeting a movie with captions and someone says "that's not what she says", like either (A) you are remembering wrong or (B) the captions lied to me, but neither of those are my problem to fix, Internet Person. I had to get up from the couch to get my laptop and the movement woke up Crisp, so I hope this settles the "did Sandra threaten to hurt children" thing inexplicably going on in my mentions. Now maybe for you hearing people she's saying "Eff eye wind what ewe bab, eye well nert pew" but I don't wanna hear about it if she is.

Crisp has gone back to sleep, the emergency has passed.

Oh god, this movie is 2 hours long.

Oh god, a flashback.

squints in recently-divorced infertile person This emotional arc and I are not going to be friends.

Why isn't the protagonist her sarcastic Indian doctor because I fucking LOVE her? She's had 30 seconds to Sandra's 8:46 so far and I would willingly die for her. Her name is Parminder Nagra and she is from Leicester and they demanded she speak in an Indian accent for this movie and I'm. Parminder is awesome in this scene, but why wouldn't they just let her be British I MEAN WE KNOW WHY but why is there racism in my boring zombie movie already we're only EIGHT MINUTES IN hang on I have to cough again.

Not sure how I feel about the OBGYN giving her an adoption pamphlet.

...oh, it's The Happening now.

I didn't like The Happening because I'm a big baby who can handle zombies but not that.

WAIT BD WONG IS IN THIS MOVIE?

God, I'm so conflicted. On the one hand, I was just about to stop. On the other hand, BD Wong.
I have just the worst crush on him. shy

So are there any blind people in this movie? Is that ever addressed? That's there's people with a natural immunity to this thing? This is gonna bug me if I don't google it, hang on. [The "safe place" that Sandra spends the movie getting to is "a former school for the blind and that many members of the community are blind," per Wikipedia.]

lol nope, I'm out, I'm done, thanks for playing.

Sorry, apparently this reads like I'm bailing because of the treatment of blind people when mostly I'm bailing because I read the spoilers of who dies and how and I know I can't make it through that much gore. I don't really feel qualified to state one way or another on the treatment of blind people since I'm not watching through to the end. Partly because I'm not blind (though I used to be almost legally blind, fwiw) and so this topic doesn't feel like my lane.

I will say I have.....complicated feelings about how disabled people tend to either not exist in apocalypse movies, OR we exist and save the day and it's an ironic contemplation on how society had been so willing to discard us but in the end we were the least disposable etc. I think I'd like to just exist in an apocalyptic movie for once without being "the load who slows everyone down because xie is disabled" or "the cure because the zombies can't smell her disabled ass".

I love zombie movies and there is a weird dive for utilitarianism in a lot of them. Pregnant people are victims or saviors; disabled people are victims or cures. Like "oh thank GOD we can use Ana after all; xie can't farm or run around collecting canned goods but xer scoliosis gene contains the magic zombie cure" and I'm over here like makes face because no one seems to question the random white dude's right to be alive.

ANYWHO, this is just my rambles on apocalypse fic IN GENERAL and NOT on Bird Box which I only watched 20 minutes of, so it would be silly for me to pass any kind of judgment on something I only watched 20 minutes of. And also I am very glad that we have a VARIETY of representation in the fiction world re: disabilities so that different needs are met by different stories.

Now I'm going to triple-bag Crisp for his protection and carry him to bed. If you enjoyed this weird rambling heavily-medicated live-tweet, I busk for tips from Starbucks CEOs.

---

Not feeling well, so I'm trying to finish out Bird Box from last night.

BD Wong has left the film. I would give anything to cast him in a movie which truly deserves him.

Sandra has had to machete a "crayzee" person who worships the monsters as gods or something. What would horror movies do without us crayzee people to machete????

Oh. Good. Another dangerous crayzee person.

sighs, goes to find a soda and maybe a million chips

The girl who was a capable and apparently ethical cop has left the pregnant women stranded and I'm not sure how I feel about that characterizion. ACAB, I guess?? (I did like how BRIGHT just embraced that cops are unethical team-fragging jerks and the audience doesn't get their hand held through that.)

At least one of the "crayzee" infected is explicitly described as "crazy" by someone who knew him before the infection, sigh.

Back on the river, all the food and blankets flop out because Malorie has never heard of tying things down. I feel almost insulted by the contrived plot beats? Hey, Bird Box, I'm "crayzee" and I can figure out a better reason to make everyone pull over and go to shore.

Malorie continues to be terrible at childcare and I guess that's the point but it's not a very interesting point? I mean, my mom yelled at me a lot when I was a kid because of panic attacks, and she just succeeded in confusing the shit out of me, so I'm assuming Girl here is equally puzzled. "IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME, DON'T COME LOOKING FOR ME, SAVE YOURSELF." Like, bitch, she's three. She can't row a damn boat. Looking for you IS saving herself. Cool your titties. How self-absorbed to assume they're looking out for you because you're Speshul, Malorie, as opposed to because you can reach the cabinets where the food is.

How is there still an hour left and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. I'm retroactively angry at the opening meta-cutesy warning this will be an agonizingly boring ride to nowhere. You don't get to Lemony Snicket this. I feel like this movie would've been 1000% more compelling if it was just the river parts and none of the flashback parts.

Willowdean let someone into the house and obviously this is going to get everyone killed because kindness is wrong in (American?) horror films. Me, I want to know how she was able to just OPEN THE DOOR?? Why haven't they boarded this place up like Night of the Living Dead?!? LITERALLY THE SECOND THING YOU DO (RIGHT AFTER FILLING THE BATHTUB FOR WATER) IS NAIL BOARDS OVER THE DOORS AND WINDOWS. YOU ARE ALL FIRED.

God, it's like none of these characters have ever read the Zombie Survival Guide.

The Dawn of the Dead remake was depressingly bad, but I liked that the most Zombie Apocalypse ready dude in the cast was a Best Buy manager who had just absorbed a lot of popular zombie movie culture. Or maybe he was Home Depot, not Best Buy. Regardless: he wasn't capable because of his job, he just had mental hobbies outside of a set character archetype.

"Creatures don't break into people's homes!" Sandra says and I suffer an aneurysm from sheer rage. HOW. CAN YOU BE. SO SURE. My god, can you IMAGINE this cast in something like 30 DAYS OF NIGHT? They'd have no concept of the vampires playing with their food. Everything they do or don't do is just taken as how things are forever.

Oh, HAHA, it's not The Creatures, it's "psychos", haha.

chugs dr pepper faster

"The immune are all from a "mental institution for the criminally insane" and I'm just.

"These crazy guys aren't affected like everyone else."

It's literal movie canon that the people who are able to survive the creatures are mentally ill. That's. I'm.

John Malkovich is sensibly insisting that the guy who is going to kill them all has to leave now, but alas my lunch break is up and I must pause this thrill ride.

Approximately 5 million people are like "wait, I missed that they were crazy BEFORE the incident" but that's made abundantly clear in the captions! Sorry!!

I'm angry that the movie forces us to side with the MAGA asshole.

Willowdean is talking about how "soft" and "spoiled" from too much love she is and woooooow that's a bad speech from the fat girl character.

Back at the house, they're still transmitting "is anyone out there" messages despite the fact that they KNOW there are humans out there hunting other humans. This is the worst survival horror movie I've ever seen.

Willowdean goes into labor and elderly mom calls for "buckets of water" and like. Are their utilities just working as normal? Despite all the destructive suicides that should've disrupted the supply chain?

Oh joy, they're both going into labor together. Literally within minutes of one another. Sandra has already popped her baby out in mere seconds.

The Obviously Dangerous Guy puts the warning-birds in the fridge and starts yoinking down the paper in the windows. THEY'VE BEEN HERE FOR HOW LONG AND JUST HAVE FLIMSY PAPER IN THE WINDOWS?!?! NO TAPE, BOARDS, NAILED BLANKETS? What are they DOING all day long??????? Days are a fucking lot of time when there's no internet and you're too terrified to do art!!

In an apocalypse scenario I would be working myself RAGGED to secure the house, just so I don't have to think about my loved ones I can't get to!! I'VE BEEN CLEANING UNTIL 1 AM EVERY NIGHT SINCE MY HUSBAND WALKED OUT ON ME. THOSE WINDOWS WOULD GODDAMN GLISTEN WITH PAINT. THE BOARDS NAILED OVER THE DOORS WOULD BE FUCKING COLOR CODED. HAS NO HORROR MOVIE WRITER EVER EXPERIENCED TRAUMATIC WAITING???I WOULD BEDAZZLE THOSE FUCKING WINDOWS IN ELABORATE MESSAGES ASKING FOR HELP. ANYTHING TO PASS THE LOOMING TIME THAT WEIGHS SO HEAVILY ON YOUR CHEST.

runs around screaming

THIN NEWSPAPER. I CANNOT.

OH MY GOD. WE'VE FOUND MY CALLING IN THE APOCALYPSE. BROADCASTING RELEVANT HGTV TIPS.

Tom comes downstairs and quickly allows himself to be incapacitated by the Obvious Dangerous Guy, like, my KITTENS have better self preservation than these fools. "Dangerous Guy on the prowl? I better put my back to the room!" Dangerous Guy opens the blinds in the bedroom and nobody just closes their damn eyes??

Why does no one try fast blinking to see their target without being hypnotized I swear.

Cookie is sitting in my lap out of sheer pique at this movie.

A montage grows the children to interesting ages. Sandra gets badass. I get more soda.

It is wholly out of character that this loving protective guy would go along with the weird "no names for the children" conceit we've been stuck with. They're kissing, so the fact that I thought he was BD Wong's gay husband is mildly confusing to me.

WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING A BROADCAST WHEN YOU KNOW THERE ARE EVIL HUMANS OUT THERE

They're arguing loudly and I just. He's acting like they're not his kids?? and that is such a weird character decision to me?? God, this is just so BADLY WRITTEN?

I'm so angry????! Why would mentally ill people force non-mentally ill people to look and die??! You wanna have a fable in which disabled people save society? HAVE THE MENTALLY ILL IMMUNE PEOPLE HELP THE NORMIES SURVIVE. It's literally just giving mentally ill people immunity and saying that makes us even MORE dangerous because we're all murderers. Why would I want to kill people just because I'm immune?? Fucking hell.

WHAT. Christ almighty, so folks think mentally ill people are in favor of non-consensual lethal aversion therapy???

Really????? The entire point of her having two kids was so we could have drama over which one she'll sacrifice??? Oh my gawwwwwwd. I feel like, in order to invest me in that choice, I would've need to have been shown AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MOVIE. One where the kids had personalities and were allowed to talk, perhaps. But I'm not limiting myself necessarily to that. That's just ONE OPTION for investing me in a character's survival.

She's just going to choose that "nobody's looking" and navigate the rapids blindfolded and this is supposed to be heart warming but I really don't think she'd be BETTER navigating the rapids without the blindfold so it just seems sensible? If looking doesn't increase your chances, why do it? And if looking would help, maybe angle your eyes down? I just never really bought that a three year old was going to be THAT much help navigating rapids where decisions need to be split second.

DRAMATIC ANA ENACTMENT OF A HELPFUL TODDLER:

Toddler: "oh! There's uhh"

Me: "Yes???"

Toddler: "rocks"

Me: "where???"

Toddler: "there"

Me: "where's THERE?"

Toddler: "chdghdsasrghh"

everyone falls out

I assumed there'd be a plot point why she can't walk past the rapids but the movie makes ZERO attempt to justify it. It's just But Thou Must.

There are 20 minutes left, send help.

I don't understand how you take a winning premise like this and make it boring, I really don't.

Why is she sitting UP in this boat? Crouch low and cover the kids! You're going to capsize the boat just from making the center of gravity higher than it needs to be!! Everyone fell out of the boat and no one is wearing life jackets, WELL FUCKING DONE.

The shore is apparently perfectly safe so why didn't they walk again??? Why do the children keep using a bicycle bell to summon her?? Are the creatures more attracted to human voices than to other sounds?

ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS BOAT TO THE RAPIDS, THEN WALK BESIDE THE RIVER PAST THE RAPIDS. Now she's yelling for them to keep their blindfold on so there's nothing capable of harming them for miles in any direction?? LOOK, IF YELLING IS SAFE THEN ALL DANGER HAS FLED THIS MOVIE.

God, this is gonna be like the Babadook or whatever where the monster is insufficient maternal feelings or some shit isn't it.

OH NO THE MONSTER IS BLOWING LEAVES AT THEM

WELL NOW I'M ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT

SO SCARED

It's the Janet Tucker School For The Blind and Smelting and Farming and Weaving and Distilling Rainwater and Whatever Else We Can't Get Due To Apocalyptic Disruption Of The Supply Lines.

Why wasn't the protagonist blind?? Why couldn't we have had blind characters as opposed to a Deus Ex Machina at the end?? Hear me out: a cast of blind and mentally ill people who do the scavenging of goods for their community and rescue survivors to bring in. Make it so the mentally ill people aren't immune, they can just last longer before needing to look away.

(Re: the birds) "They warn the sighted people whenever those things are around." They don't warn you, tho? So blind people have nothing to fear, whatsoever, from the monsters? SO THE LEAVES AREN'T DANGEROUS? Also: Pretty sure the birds don't warn sighted deaf/hoh people, Frank, but wev.

"And your name is Tom."

Tom was his dad. Tom died, like, 3 days ago and this child has NO CONTEXT for the reuse of names. Is he supposed to BE Tom now?? This is so bad it's almost cruel. My god, you could've at least asked if they had a name they wanted.

WELP, I cannot recommend that movie to any of my mentally ill friends because apparently we're all credulous murderers waiting to strike. I don't know how else to read it; I can think of at least three explicit lines about it being "crazy" people who turn into the immune murderers. Maybe four or five if I wanted to go back and look.

And by the way, we KNOW it's all crazy people who turn into cultists, and not just "criminally violent" crazy people, because "Fish Fingers" was "crazy but nice". And that's the name we get for him, THANKS MOVIE. So if you're crazy, EVEN IF you're nice-crazy, you'll turn into a killer when the monsters arrive.