[Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence, Nazis]
We have a lady narrator!! And two swords called...Opener and Dragon Singer? I'm...not seeing a theme just yet. There's....there's a lot of backstory I'm struggling to assimilate quickly.
[TW] A naked professional gymnast just slaughtered a bunch of guys who were gonna rape another lady, and I haven't seen such brutal efficiency since John Wick.
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Film Corner: Warrioress |
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Film Corner: The King's Guard |
Next up we have THE KING'S GUARD which is efficiently described as: A princess falls in love with her father's swordsman. I hope the entire movie is about her supportive dad melting down as the wedding spins increasingly out of control.
RON PERLMAN IS IN THIS???
Ron Perlman is amazing, I honestly think people just ask him to be in movies and he says yes no matter who it is. Like, yes, nice barista. Yes, kindly uber driver. Yes, mail lady. I will be in all your movies.
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Film Corner: MST3K Season 5 (Part 2) |
Previously published on my Patreon.
Most of you know that I'm disabled and can only work part-time. Every other day of my life I spend laid up in bed (or going to run disability-related errands like doctor appointments and pharmacy visits and then laying in bed) which can get pretty boring without something to watch or listen to or do. As a consequence, I've seen a lot of Mystery Science Theater, my favorite show of all time. But have I watched them in order? I have not. Until now.
And we're starting with Mike's first appearance because I'm a rebel like that. (We'll cover the rest of Season 5 in a later Part 1.)
Season 5 (1993–94)
Mitchell (512)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] This is the last Joel episode before he flees in a crate of hamdingers and Mike is hired (and then fired... into space!) as a temp. I've watched this movie at least a dozen times and I still don't understand it. Michell is a cranky sleepy cop... whom none of the other cops like him because they're dirty... and Michell isn't dirty... except for when he is... look, it's complicated. The riffs are lovely and this one is seminal enough to the MST3K library that it's a must-watch. 5 stars.
The Brain That Wouldn't Die (513)
[Rhino Single DVD; not subtitled] This is Mike's first episode as host and he comes out of the gate strong. Lots of good riffs on this one, but the grim subject matter (scientist stalks hot women seeking a body-host for his dead fiancee's brain) makes repeated viewings less fun--plus, the pacing isn't exactly enthralling as he repeatedly fails to corner a series of likely victims. 4 stars and a shower afterwards to scrub off all your skin.
Teen-Age Strangler (514)
[Rhino Volume 10.2; not subtitled] This one is just boring; not really worth the riffs and hard to pay attention to. The strangler isn't a teenager and doesn't really confine himself to teenagers so the title is baffling (the bots point this out at the end and it's such a relief when they're as confused as the viewer). Nor is this one of those "teen criminals!" moral panic films which provide such amusing fodder for several episodes in the series. The movie is just... here, free-floating without a genre or a point. 2 stars, a bland unflavored cracker in need of something interesting spread on it.
The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (515)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] Oh man, this one is surreal. You need to understand going in that this isn't the Batwoman of the DC universe but instead a deliberate knockoff on the Bat/Ant/Spider-person theme and the movie is about a crime-fighting vampire. I say you "need to understand" because outside of a few baffling references to blood, this will never be made clear and you'll be left wondering when DC's Barbara decided to collect a coven of girls. The plot is incomprehensible and it helps to know that it was basically being constantly re-written mid-production based on various mercurial whims of the powers which made the film. 2 stars.
Alien from L.A. (516)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] What if science fictiony space apocalypse Mad Max... but underground... searching for a missing father... with Kathy Ireland...? This one has to be seen to be believed and manages to be a relatively entertaining movie in addition to the excellent riffs. Several points don't exactly make sense, but you didn't come to MST3K for logical consistency. Kathy dumps her crappy boyfriend in the end and Mike sings a catchy love ballad. 4 stars.
Beginning of the End (517)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] This is an old one and the special effects are *hilarious*. Are those paper cutouts of grasshoppers superimposed on the scenery to make them look like radioactive giants? Yes? I think so? You have to watch just because you can't look away. 3 stars.
The Atomic Brain (518)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] Another movie about science putting brains in the bodies of pretty young women, apparently a popular horror trope of the black-and-white film era. Decent film made better with excellent riffs; Mike and the bots get the giggles over the actresses trying and failing to hold onto various "foreign" accents. 4 stars.
Outlaw (Outlaw of Gor) (519)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] They made a Gor movie where the hero frees all the slaves of Gor. THEY MADE A GOR MOVIE WHERE THE HERO FREES ALL THE SLAVES OF GOR. Do you understand how much that delights the little troll that lives in my heart? That's like making an Ayn Rand movie where the hero invents social safety nets and destroys capitalism and blows up trains. I will never stop laughing. This is a good B-movie of the "why don't we make terrible fantasy movies like this anymore" era and I will defend it to my fuzzy fantasy go-go booted death. 5 stars.
Radar Secret Service (520)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] You know you're in for pain when the Mads promise deep hurting. So many unanswered questions with this movie. Why did they cast two nearly identical blond women for two different subplots which only merge near the end, certain to cause confusion? Why is radar repeatedly hyped up to the audience like an item being sold on a late-night shopping channel? Was there a time in our nation's history when radar needed to be marketed to the public? 2 stars.
Santa Claus (521)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] One of the most beloved of the MST3K franchise, docked a star only because the RiffTrax Live version is longer and better. If you have to choose between versions, pick up the RiffTrax one for the full unedited cut. Surreal nightmare fuel from start to finish. 4 stars and may god have mercy on our souls.
Teen-Age Crime Wave (522)
[Shout Factory Volume 33; not subtitled] A teenage Bonnie and Clyde wanna-be pair take a tragically innocent teenager hostage and commit home invasion on nice elderly god-fearing folks in the country. A standoff ensues with a lot of Bible reading and cigarette smoking until the elderly couple's handsome son returns home from college and fails to be effective. Hilarious in parts, marred by slow pacing and lack of subtitles. 4 stars.
Village of the Giants (523)
[Amazon Video; subtitled] Honey, I shrunk the kids, but backwards and they're delinquent teenagers. A "teenage crime wave" moral panic movie with a gigantism twist so bizarre and unnecessary that one is tempted to speculate that a kink was being indulged in the making of this movie. Good riffs can only do so much to save the viewer from this one. 3 stars.
12 to the Moon (524)
[Shout Factory Volume 35; not subtitled] A somewhat dull "what if aliens didn't like us because we're bad" movie that comes with some strong riffs. Paired with one of the most surreal shorts (on behalf of General Motors) I've ever seen and which is nicely worked into a good ongoing skit about Mike and the hazards of dating mysterious dancing space-ladies. 3 stars.
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Film Corner: DragonSlayer & Attack of the Gryphon |
Thinking about marathoning the free dragon movies on Amazon Prime because the alternative is depression naps. CURSE OF THE DRAGON SLAYER is still my favorite and a good fantasy movie if you're looking for a GoT palate cleanser. MYTHICA is good if you can look past the infuriating treatment of disability in 4 and 5.
I have questions, like "Why does it have to be virgins" and "how do you determine the presence of a socially constructed state".
Oh my god, the opening has birds in cages squawking and Cookie is losing her shit looking for them birds.
I feel like maybe there was a prequel to this that I missed. Either that or we're just really committed to letting the audience sink or swim.
Oh bless me, there's some good writing. What's that doing here.
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Open Thread: Game of Thrones |
I hated the Game of Thrones ending! Which will probably surprise no one here! So here's a thread to gripe about the Game of Thrones ending with me, including spoilers (without need for ROT 13 Cthulhu summoning.)
Unfortunately the "Current Comments" feature removes whitespace so, to avoid spoilers appearing there, please use some space for non-spoiler comments or just start your comment with some nonsense.
Example nonsense:
[nonsense] Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, id soleat doctus sit, cum te erant omnium. Invidunt periculis at cum, eos diam vivendum no, ea qui vivendum legendos. Verterem similique ut pri, iisque prodesset voluptaria no nam. Eos esse mollis et, mei no putent utamur praesent, nec ex solum saperet. No has soluta molestie.[/nonsense]And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
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Open Thread: Another Wet Plant |
Sorry this is a day and a half late. I've been having computer (and other) problems.
Picture taken the same day as last week's.
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We have special open threads set aside for discussing various movies, said discussions including plain text spoilers. These are the current ones:
● Avengers: Endgame
● Captain Marvel
● Into the Spiderverse
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Friday Recommendations! What have you been reading/writing/listening to/playing/watching lately? Shamelessly self-promote or boost the signal on something you think we should know about - the weekend’s ahead of us, so give us something new to explore!
And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
Friday Recommendations! What have you been reading/writing/listening to/playing/watching lately? Shamelessly self-promote or boost the signal on something you think we should know about - the weekend’s ahead of us, so give us something new to explore!
And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
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Writings: Thank God, A Girl |
Previously posted on my Patreon.
[Trigger Warning: Gender Detecting]
I've been watching The Borgias on Netflix this month in my downtime because I love lush historical dramas and the actors really are so good in this series. But I'd forgotten that there's a gross subplot in Season 2 where the pope becomes attracted to a young man only to find that "he" is a woman who disguised herself in order to apprentice as a painter. (I'm using she/her pronouns for her because she really does seem to be a disguised cis woman rather than a trans man to me.) There's one of those trope moments of "well, phew, at least the pope wasn't attracted to a GUY" because obviously there is nothing more upsetting than queerness. Ugh.
I've seen this trope a lot and it irks me so much. Why does no one ever just not care? Or have a little lightbulb moment where they realize they're bisexual? Or even a major lightbulb moment where they realize they're full-on no-girls-allowed gay? Or at the very least not make this moment about their manly heterosexual boner? This girl is telling you she had to disguise herself and live a lie for her own safety and you want to talk about your dick? Dude.
So. I've written a classic version of this scene and then re-written it five different ways I'd much prefer to see instead.
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Narnia: The Red Wedding |
[Narnia Content Note: Misogyny, References to Torture]
The Magician's Nephew, Chapter 5: The Deplorable Word
THE CHILDREN WERE FACING ONE ANOTHER across, still trembling, though it no longer gave out any note. Suddenly they heard a soft noise from the end of the room which was still undamaged. They turned quick as lightning to see what it was. One of the robed figures, the furthest-off one of all, the woman whom Digory thought so beautiful, was rising from its chair. When she stood up they realized that she was even taller than they had thought. And you could see at once, not only from her crown and robes, but from the flash of her eyes and the curve of her lips, that she was a great queen. She looked round the room and saw the damage and saw the children, but you could not guess from her face what she thought of either or whether she was surprised. She came forward with long, swift strides.
I know I don't say this a lot about Lewis' writings, but I almost like this.
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Open Thread: Drops On A Plant |
I really like this picture. I hope you do too.
Sorry this is so late. I was helping my sister on her farm today from absurdly early until nowish.
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We have special open threads set aside for discussing various movies, said discussions including plain text spoilers. These are the current ones:
● Avengers: Endgame
● Captain Marvel
● Into the Spiderverse
-
Friday Recommendations! What have you been reading/writing/listening to/playing/watching lately? Shamelessly self-promote or boost the signal on something you think we should know about - the weekend’s ahead of us, so give us something new to explore!
And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
Friday Recommendations! What have you been reading/writing/listening to/playing/watching lately? Shamelessly self-promote or boost the signal on something you think we should know about - the weekend’s ahead of us, so give us something new to explore!
And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
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Open Thread: Color Like Whoa |
There's a more in-depth explanation, but the short version is that I finally got around to testing what the "Vibrant" mode of current camera actually does.
Taken from my porch on the 27th of April.
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We have special open threads set aside for discussing various movies, said discussions including plain text spoilers. These are the current ones:
● Avengers: Endgame
● Captain Marvel
● Into the Spiderverse
-
Friday Recommendations! What have you been reading/writing/listening to/playing/watching lately? Shamelessly self-promote or boost the signal on something you think we should know about - the weekend’s ahead of us, so give us something new to explore!
And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
Friday Recommendations! What have you been reading/writing/listening to/playing/watching lately? Shamelessly self-promote or boost the signal on something you think we should know about - the weekend’s ahead of us, so give us something new to explore!
And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
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Time Quintet: Don't Worry, Be Happy |
[Wrinkle Content Note: Unconscious Undressing, Captivity, Torture, Recreational Drug Use]
A Wrinkle in Time, Chapter 11: Aunt Beast
I gave Mr. Murry a lot of crap last time for passively letting aliens pick up his daughter and carry her away, but it turns out that he's actually going to protest because this scene starts on his next sentence. I'm so used to modern notions that a chapter ending should signal a scene-change that this was actually jarring to me, ha.
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May Newsletter (2019) |
It's May.
I don't really know how to deal with that, actually? I keep thinking if I wait long enough it'll start to seem like May, but I haven't gotten there yet. I don't really remember where April went. I was finally diagnosed with adult ADHD (yay!) but they put me on a medication which did not work (boo!) and I lost a couple weeks in a haze. I am now finally divorced (yay!) but that means I have to settle up with my lawyer (boo!) so that's been a lot of things.
But it's May. And I think that's a good thing!
May Things! I have words in my head that I want to get on paper for everyone, so that's my biggest goal for this month: get the words down for everyone to see. I have videos going up, so watch for those! I have art that I want to share with you all (art! I love art!) but that requires words so that's part of the "get words on paper" portion of this month. I'm still working an unsustainable amount of overtime at the Day Job but I'm going to try to balance that a little better. I have a lot of high hopes.
Reminder! It's a new month, which means new paper books for the $25 patrons and new bookmarks for the $5 patrons! If I don't have your address, send me a message on the internal system or email me at AnaMardoll at gmail dot com. I love sending ya'll things!
Thank you all so much again for being here with me. And, hey, I'm single again!
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Open Thread: Signs of Life |
I couldn't think of a good name, so I went with something generic.
Sorry this is so late in the day, I didn't get it done in the early morning, and then spent all day helping my sister turn her farmish place into an actual functioning farm. (Third day in a row, and I'll be doing it again tomorrow.)
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We have special open threads set aside for discussing various movies, said discussions including plain text spoilers. These are the current ones:
● Avengers: Endgame
● Captain Marvel
● Into the Spiderverse
-
Friday Recommendations! What have you been reading/writing/listening to/playing/watching lately? Shamelessly self-promote or boost the signal on something you think we should know about - the weekend’s ahead of us, so give us something new to explore!
And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
Friday Recommendations! What have you been reading/writing/listening to/playing/watching lately? Shamelessly self-promote or boost the signal on something you think we should know about - the weekend’s ahead of us, so give us something new to explore!
And, like on all threads: please remember to use the "post new comment" feature rather than the "reply" feature, even when directly replying to someone else!
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Transcending Flesh: Boys Shall Not Pass |
Note: This was previously published on my Patreon.
This essay is one in a series which focuses on writing gender in science fiction and fantasy settings that provide body modification options beyond our current level of technology. Note that you can download this collection of essays from my website here.
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Transcending Flesh:
Gender and Body Diversity in Futuristic and Fantastical Settings
Essay #11: Boys Shall Not Pass (Gender Detection Spells)
Let's talk about Joanna.
Joanna is writing a whimsical story with young adults living together in school dormitories while they study magic. Gender doesn't come up much in the story (and that's fine) until Joanna remembers that she doesn't really want boys sneaking into the girls' dormitory to do naughty things. A easy solution presents itself: just put a gender-detection spell on the dorm and teleport away any boys who try to enter! The problem is that Joanna's story is now a mess of gender issues which effectively exclude trans people not only from the named cast of characters but from the background world-building at large.
What is this "gender detection" spell actually doing? It is the author's job to figure this out, first and foremost. If the spell is detecting genitals, then it is worth asking why it was considered appropriate for a school to conduct magical genital searches on underage students. That seems incredibly invasive and inappropriate! Why do school officials need to know what young Harvey's genitals are?
If the spell is detecting genitals, by what criteria are students barred from the girls' dorms? If the spell is looking for penises and ejecting anyone who has one, then trans girls who have not medically transitioned are being denied entrance to the girls' dormitory. If the spell is looking for, say, a uterus and ejecting anyone who doesn't have one, then cis girls with certain medical conditions are now also being ejected.
But what if the spell isn't detecting genitals and is instead detecting actual gender? Well, you can have spells which detect gender in trans-affirming ways, but it's still problematic for it to be used in this fashion here. Why? Well, you're now "outing" to peers and parents any trans boys who were closeted and living in the girls' dorms, potentially exposing them to bigotry and violence. The spell will also catch Luella in its net, as she is genderfluid and only a girl on every day that isn't Thursday; on Thursdays, Luella is a boy and now magically barred from the dormitory--which is inconvenient and cruel, to say the least.
If Joanna really wants a spell to keep certain people out of the girls' dorms, then she will need to make a listed database of people who are allowed inside and pair that databae with a spell that boots anyone not on the list. That way at the beginning of school year, people who can sign up for the "girl" dormitory include trans girls, closeted trans boys, nonbinary people, and genderfluid people. As a bonus, nothing at the school is rummaging around in people's pants!
It can be okay in certain instances to have magical gender detection spells which affirm trans people's gender. But those spells should never be used to forcibly "out" trans people to others, nor to expose them to violence or bigotry.