Film Corner: The King's Guard

Ok, I'm stuck in bed again so it's back to the well of Amazon Prime Fantasy Movies looking for diamonds in the rough.

Next up we have THE KING'S GUARD which is efficiently described as: A princess falls in love with her father's swordsman. I hope the entire movie is about her supportive dad melting down as the wedding spins increasingly out of control.

RON PERLMAN IS IN THIS???

Ron Perlman is amazing, I honestly think people just ask him to be in movies and he says yes no matter who it is. Like, yes, nice barista. Yes, kindly uber driver. Yes, mail lady. I will be in all your movies.

I don't know about the princess, but everything the QUEEN says is dripping with strong fuck me energy. Was this a real stage direction? Is she this guy's wife in real life? I have questions.

You gotta love the deep political acumen of a Captain of the Guard who calls "escorting a princess safely to her groom" a glorified babysitting job to the queen's face.

"The king will not order you to go." I...you guys seem kinda confused on how medievalesque fantasy monarchies work.

There's musket (!!!) in the background of the credits, and a VERY musketeer blade with the fancy metal strands that make up a hilt to protect the hands, and I'm struggling with whether the costuming is leftover from a musketeer production. Oh my god, they even have Pothos' dagger that has two little side blades that shunk out THIS IS ALL LEFTOVER FROM A THREE MUSKETEERS PRODUCTION.

"*runs outside screaming*

THEY REUSED EVERYTHING FROM A THREE MUSKETEERS SET.

God, my neighbors must have so many questions.

Ok that's another flintlock musket in the credits sequence, I'm just.

THAT'S A FLEUR DE LIS, I REPEAT WE HAVE ACHIEVED FLEUR DE LIS.

Wait what we have Sudden Narrator and I'm not prepared for this. Sudden Narrator is filling us in on what happened between the last scene and the credits, and I feel like maybe we could've seen those things instead of credits.

WAIT THOSE GUYS IN BLUE ARE CLEARLY WEARING MUSKETEER COSTUMES. My god, maybe this is an unofficial expansion of the musketeer story, I don't KNOW.

Ah, the princess is one of those spirited difficult princesses.

I'm going to have a conniption over the costumes, there's like a pirate guy and one in leather and another in crushed velvet, it's like they let the actors wear whatever they wanted from the back room, HELP

Things that alarm me:
- the bandits have nice musketeer swords too.
- the bandits are better at the musketeer swords than the king's best trained men.

They're using the fencing blades (I can't tell if they're foils or epees because I'm a PEASANT, but they're not sabers!!) as slashing damage, I'm

THEY REALLY DO HAVE PISTOLS?? OUTSIDE OF THE CREDIT SEQUENCE??

So just to be clear, the plan was to ride for several days with bare face and shoulders and breasts because the "sunburned peasant" look is very vogue among the royal set this year.

A girl wearing pants and wielding a whip and an accent that seems to be on a walking tour of the entire UK has appeared. I think she's the daughter of, like, the old captain of the guard? Maybe? They're baggy pants and she seems to be filling out the Dutiful Daughter stereotype so far.

Her dad asks if she's unbloodied after a fight and she proudly replies "clean as the day I was born" and I've never heard that metaphor before and will never be free from it. Like. Is it supposed to be ironic, since babies come out icky? Or is it supposed to be sincere in a post-baby bathwater sense? HAS ANYONE ELSE ENCOUNTERED THIS METAPHOR BEFORE? She's not covered in blood because it's not an R rated film, but that would make this metaphor BADASS if albeit a bit insensitive to one's poor mother.

A man in a FEATHERED HAT has appeared and he is, I kid you not, SKIPPING foppishly down the road.

Oh! There's a Black man in this movie, it is now more historically accurate than any medieval OR musketeer movie I've ever seen!

This entire economy seems to be "bandits with swords running around yelling" and I have questions.

There's so many PEOPLE in this film and I only have character motivations for TWO of them (princess, captain) and they've had the LEAST SCREENTIME and I ???

In this paper I will discuss the rise of the ideal of the American Lone Wolf Hero as a natural outgrowth of narrative economy and not wishing to bear the expense of unnecessary extras which add nothing to the scene. To that end I will--

Why does the lady in waiting know the foppish hat guy.

Why are bandits firing on people from afar as they approach the burned out farmhouse.

Why didn't we met these characters earlier, perhaps during the credits.

This is exactly like a D&D session where the DM is trying to explain how people who missed the previous sessions joined up. "William arrives, late."

"RON PERLMAN HAS APPEARED.

He seems to be the leader of the bandits, who may be dressed in British red from a Revolutionary War set."
Eric Roberts, also known as The Cop in Rihanna's Bitch Better Have My Money music video, is also inexplicably in this.

Oh no. This comedic scene is actually funny. I feel so dirty.

This princess is so obviously written to be annoying and I now remind everyone that Princess Leia was written appallingly and Carrie Fisher rewrote much of her dialogue.

Ok, they're....they're literally musketeers. Why didn't they just....is the term copyrighted or something??

Singbe, the Black musketeer, is living his best life and I love him.

Poor Ron Perlman has quietly accepted that his role in this movie is to be Wrong About Everything, so he is now drinking petulantly. Every shot of Ron Perlman includes MORE girls cooing over him even though there is NOWHERE they could've come from and I'm cackling because why the fuck not. If I was at a Ren Faire and Ron Perlman showed up to film a movie, I'd drape myself over his boots too, why not.

The only thing interesting about the hero is his far more interesting backstory.

FENCING FOILS DO NOT DO SLASHING DAMAGE, STOP THAT.

"The king did not want her to marry a man she did not love." That is an impressively understanding king right there. Best dad.

KATIE COMES IN STRONG WITH A DAGGER TO A BANDITS BACK AND A WHIP KICK.

Awww yeah, my Katie girl just took out three guys AND she hasn't been romanced to anyone.

Singbe killed his three dudes! My babies out here living their best lives.

Meanwhile, randomly, two servants are......performing Romeo and Juliet.

I think Ron Perlman is having an orgy? But it's G rated so everyone is still clothed? Look, I don't know.

Talking is apparently a free action in these battles.

KATIE HAS INFILTRATED THE BANDITS OMG MY GIRL

My girl just put on a smart hat and strolled up like it weren't nothing.

This romance is better developed than I expected, to be honest. I believe in these two kids. They're gonna go the distance. I mean, she fell in love with him because he was already in secret love with her during his backstory, but STILL she's a good bean and he's a good bean and they'll make good beans together. I'm in a nice mood today.

Oh my god if they kill the cool old guy I'm gonna cry.

No, my baby!!

They're actually reloading muskets and using long fuses, I'm impressed.

"WAIT HE MIGHT BE OK

Katie just whipped a guy in the face, MY GIRL.

Oooh, a dramatic pistol misfire. They do that!

The dramatic ending duel has FOUR SWORDS, TWO HANDS EACH, VERY SERIOUS. MORE SWORDS MORE DRAMA.

Oh hey, the princess got the killing blow!!! Do you know how rare that is?? And everyone we cared about survived!

The narrator on the other hand is having a BALL??

The princess marries her betrothed and MURDERS HIM.

The philanderer marries the lady in waiting and SHE takes lovers.

The two guys I ship became an item.

Katie became a musketeer and got out of the entire movie without a love interest OR being threatened with sexual violence!

Singbe invented the necktie. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

That was AMAZING, I don't even, I just, ok, you're all going to watch this ren faire movie with me, yes?? I can't be alone on this one.