Next up is WARRIORESS: Two powerful female warriors must journey across a post-apocalyptic land to fight a ritual duel and fulfill an ancient prophecy. Please, gods, let this be sapphic.We have a lady narrator!! And two swords called...Opener and Dragon Singer? I'm...not seeing a theme just yet. There's....there's a lot of backstory I'm struggling to assimilate quickly.
[TW] A naked professional gymnast just slaughtered a bunch of guys who were gonna rape another lady, and I haven't seen such brutal efficiency since John Wick.
Aww, now they're huggy-friends.
She's taking the woman back to a nice village full of gender-equal ratios of actors and everyone is being very gentle about her probable PTSD. That's nice!
The nice thing about post-apocalyptic settings is Ana won't complain about the costuming.
Ooh, the village leader is a woman.
The leader wears a green felt Keebler elf hat.
There's a tournament tomorrow and the village Gaston is telling Gymnast Girl not to bother competing because he's the best. She's undaunted and nobody is threatened with sexualized violence.
Smash cut to a girl in a metal Red Sonja bikini doing yoga and saying spiritual things that don't make sense to me. Oh, I think this is the SAME girl, sorry, I'm kinda face blind.
A cute boy tries to convince her not to win the tournament (because.....winning is....bad?) and she gently tells him "You've said enough" which is the nicest way to STFU ever and I'm stealing it.
There is a TOURNAMENT MONTAGE and there's lots of girls kicking ass, it's not just our Lone Warrioress, and that's beautiful. Gaston just unfairly beat Cute Boy in the ring. Warrioress is angry.
I don't really like metal bikini armor, but she wears it well? It's firmly holding her boobs in, NOT lifting like a pushup bra. (She's also wearing a shit ton of fringe in an appropriation of Native dress kind of way, so uhhh that's NOT great.)
Anyway, she trounced Gaston in a hot minute. Easy.
She has a name! Boudiccu.
She.....ok, stick with me.
She has to carry two swords to a dueling circle and fight the chosen NORTHERN warrior (She's the chosen....southern warrior?) to the death. BUT if they can't kill each other by sunset, then they're prophesied heroes who will protect...the land?
Doesn't really strike me as incentive to fight your hardest, but what do I know.
A rhyming witch has entered the film and is frightening everyone with her relentless poems.
[TW] There's a bad guy with a......um. It.....kinda looks like a Nazi swastika that someone drew whilst drunk. I....I don't know. It's just HERE, like "THIS IS A BAD GUY.""
Boudicc is hugging her village people goodbye. Cute Boy is there, as is Unnamed Girlfriend In a Felted Purple Hat. You know which one I ship with Bou.
In a tavern.....somewhere, a blonde rogue robs two men. Fuck you for wanting to know where this scene is or why it matters, I guess.
Bou's metal bra has nip nops. Is...someone either PUT nipnops into the metal, or it's not metal.
SHE CAN SWAT AWAY ARROWS WITH A WRISTBAND THE SIZE OF MY FITBIT
They're bad guys, but when was the last time you saw an ALL WOMEN NO MEN five person team.
The leader is.....telepathically assailing her with dramatic poetry.
I'm not...I'm not making this up, y'all.
We've passed Bechdel like five times already and we're only 20 minutes in.
The villain's headquarters look like the back room of a nightclub and he just demanded that his henchmen say something to "put a smile on my all-powerful face" and I'm just going to leave that here. He told the guy not to come back until he has "something more positive to report", this dialogue is AMAZING.
In a forest.....somewhere, a blonde rogue robs FOUR men. I hope these sequences are never explained and are just auteur filmmaking I can't understand.
We get an extremely long dream sequence of sex with Cute Boy, and when Bou wakes up she looks stricken. You can interpret this as "I have given up so much by leaving" or "I'm just now realizing I'm gay because that dream isn't ME.""
In a forest....somewhere????? a blonde rogue plays CSI at a crime scene.
HER REDHEADED GIRLFRIEND FOLLOWED HER ALL THE WAY OUT HERE.
Oh no, the Cute Boy came with her.
[TW] They're in a......Nazi bunker? It's an ancient relic of the old world and there's a swastika and the eagle on a cement wall. What the fuck? Wait, was the apocalypse that wrecked humanity supposed to be World War 2??"
[TW] Hooooboy, I'm suuuuuper uncomfortable about the choice to have them find a Nazi diary, treat it as a holy relic (they can't read), and carry it back so the elders can translate it and expand their holy knowledge. What the fuuuuuuuuck.
[TW] oh god, now they want to move their village into the bunker because it's sturdy and more defensible than the forest WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS WRITING CHOICE.
THIS MOVIE WAS MADE IN 2015 FOR THE RECORD.
I....fucking hell. I don't even. Where do you start??
[TW] Cute Boy is going back home to take the holy Nazi diary to the elders. Busty Redhead is staying with Bou and hugging her. I'd make lighthearted sapphic jokes but....Nazis!! In my fucking live tweet!!! Fuck!
Literally the ONLY reason I'm continuing is in the hopes that someone teaches her actual history and she sets the "relics" on fire. Ew ew ew.
Welp, we have our first fridge. Redhead is fridged.
Apparently they only brought one arrow?
Oh, maybe the blonde rogue we keep cutting to is the Northern Warrior and that way when we meet her later we'll have a reason to care about her. Anyway, outside a bunker.....somewhere??? a blonde rogue plots how to rescue several prisoners.
One of the raiders is armed with a Klingon bat'leth.
She...she buried a grave for her girlfriend with her BARE HANDS. The blonde has given Bou a pep talk, and now Bou is going to SNEAK IN to somewhere in order to get her swords back. Emo poetry occurred.
Bou and Arrow (that's the Blonde's name) have a good girlfriend vibe. They're plotting revenge on the Mad Max raiders. That's a bat'leth, though. That guy is just straight up wielding a Klingon bat'leth with NO EXPLANATION WHATSOEVER.
The combat sequences in this really are great. Really, the movie is great if it weren't for the extremely weird random Nazi stuff?? Which hasn't added ANYTHING worthwhile?? So why??
Arrow is traveling with Bou, and yeah she's TOTALLY the Northern Warrior and just keeping it secret. She's also conspicuously mentioning a man back home but I'm not buying your hetero agenda, movie. They've got a Legolas and Gimli competition going on, but instead of number of kills, it's points based on creativity. Bou is strangling a guy with her skirt.
Omg, Arrow is pointing out that "Opener" and "Dragon Singer" are really weird names for two sister swords, THANK YOU.
Oh no, they have to fight even though they're in love.
WHAT???? I WAS INFORMED THEY COULD BOTH LIVE IF THEY LASTED UNTIL SUNSET!
Ok, so. Bou has gone back home and told everyone that the prophecies are bullshit and they should abandon their study of German and instead trust in their own better natures than this awful death match thing. So that's....something.
Ah. The villain has finally got his prop plane to work.
Wait, what the fuck, that's the ENDING?!?!?
You tried to SEQUEL HOOK this shit?????????
YOU CAN'T SEQUEL HOOK A PIECE OF SHIT LOW BUDGET MOVIE THAT YOU KNOW ISN'T EVEN GONNA HIT THEATERS.
MINUS A THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR.
I can't breathe omg I'm so angry I just.
What was the POINT of that?!?! She travels to the ends of the earth, kills her soulmate, and then returns to tell them that Nazis are Bad, WHICH I ALREADY KNEW.
0 comments:
Post a Comment