Film Corner: Curse of the Dragon

Tonight's film is CURSE OF THE DRAGON which, despite sounding like every other movie title we've watched, I'm pretty sure I've not seen THIS one.

"A brave knight returns to his homeland to find a powerful dragon terrorizing his village. After many unsuccessful attempts to defeat the monster, he makes a sword which has magical powers." Now, ME, I'd have started with the magic sword.

Please do not confuse this film with Curse of the Dragon SLAYER, which is good.

Strong opening here: men in cloaks on horses. A horse is led to water but refuses to drink.

Interestingly, our fantasy hero is massively skeptical that dragons even exist.

His companion says that dragons ruined the land, killing everyone and everything. It doesn't even rain anymore. Then the perfectly clear sky starts BUCKETING down in comedic response.

Expensive cool special effects happen with a baby dragon!

Aww, goodbye companion. I liked you.

Smash cut to a fantasy movie village and a loving camera pan on the local blacksmith. Is he the love interest for the knight? I HOPE SO.

The Knight stumbles into town, trembling and broken, and the strong Blacksmith carries him back to the blacksmithery.

There's a girl here--I can make this work as a triad--and an actor I recognize, hang on.

OH HE'S THE DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM FROM THE TUDORS.

They are seriously, with a straight face, quoting Jabberwocky and I'm NOT OKAY, I'm suffering from secondhand embarrassment that they made the Duke of fucking Buckingham quote Jabberwocky to explain a DRAGON.

I WILL NEVER BE OKAY AGAIN. Why do people keep acting like Jabberwocky has a deep hidden meaning, it's NONSENSE, it's lorem ipsum! The Duke of Buckingham is frowning and saying things like "the Jabberwock is not something to be taken lightly! The Romans had fully armed garrisons!"

These special effects are pleasing to mine eye.

STOP QUOTING THE POEM.

The townspeople want to give the Knight to the dragon but the Blacksmith won't allow it.

Oh, the person I thought was The Knight isn't THE Knight. The Knight is the Blacksmith's brother. The opening sequence guy (previously The Knight) will henceforth be called the Survivor. I blame this on the Amazon description, and an unclear focus on which one of these many men is the protagonist.

The Woman has a kidnapped sister named Jocelyn and I'm pondering when and how names become acceptable for fantasy movies. Madison? Is Madison ok yet?

Oh god the rest of the movie is just going to be that poe-- THEY'RE CALLING IT A PROPHECY NOW OMG WHAT.

He's going to make a vorpal sword I can't I can't leave me to die, save yourselves.

The Woman is really serene about her sister being kidnapped. The Blacksmith keeps assuring her that she's probably fine and they'll get her back.

.....The Blacksmith's dad invented medieval plate armor. There's a subplot where the Blacksmith's Father wants him to finish the armor and the Blacksmith thinks it's foolish and no one will ever wear it. Because the practical applications of having a sheet of fucking metal over your torso is apparently hard to grasp?

Haha, omg, they lampshaded a trope I hate!

*dying man tells an important secret (in this case, the dragon's weakness) before dying*
Survivor: "What? Say that again?"

The Duke of Buckingham is now being forced to tell the ancient legend to the Blacksmith.

The Blacksmith has a plan to build a giant mouse-trap.

Jocelyn, as a woman, is being a sack of sexy potatoes.

Somehow they have cut down fifty equally straight trees to make a cage with.

The Blacksmith and the Knight are arguing over who will kill the dragon. It occurs to me that the Amazon description was a lie. The Blacksmith is making the sword, not the Knight. Why would Amazon lie to me.

Everyone has become aggressively heterosexual. Sigh.

Amazon also said the sword was magic and it's not.

The Knight has died. I didn't really like him much so it's hard to know what to feel. Only the Blacksmith is left. They killed it and everyone was happy but they missed an egg, it hatched, and it's starting all over again SMASH CUT TO CREDITS.

What a terrible movie and I feel genuinely upset that they did that to the Duke of Buckingham.