We have LORD OF THE ELVES which says: ""In an ancient age, the peace-loving hobbits are enslaved by the Java Men, a race of flesh-eating dragon-riders." I thought "hobbit" was copyrighted and trademarked by the Tolkien estate, tbh. I'm also confused where the elves come in and who is their lord. Elves aren't hobbits or cannibalistic dragon riders. (I think?)Oh shit uh.
I was about to be thrilled that all the hobbits are POC little people (like Willow!! But not white!) but then the camera panned to the Java-Men and they're.....really offensive racist stereotypes of brutish Black men? So that's a...no, we're done here!!! No, thank you! I like shitty movies, but I have a limit. Noping out.
Instead let's try DWARVES OF DRAGON MOUNTAIN. "In a fantasy world four dwarves are mining in the dangerous Dragon Mountain when a sudden explosion causes a cave in, trapping the dwarves inside."
Ooh, this one has decent special effects AND a no-nonsense narrator.
We're starting in medias res, AFTER the cave in, which is a fascinating decision; I know nothing about the people making sad coughing noises. It will be on the movie to get me to care about them. I look forward to this.
Ok, they're all trying to find each other and they're varying degrees of wounded.
There's a weird controversy over whether one of them is on the night shift or not, and I'm...is the implication that he set them up? Sold them out to a dragon? I'm confused but I'll keep y'all posted.
They're using Morse code!
There is politics!! About how badly humans treat dwarves!! It's hard to summarize but not badly written?
WHAT THE ACTUAL LIVING FUCK IS THAT
NO NO N N NO N NO NO
Oh shit it's a human in a gas mask. Gas masks are scary.
Ok, I think the dwarves think the humans collapsed the tunnels on purpose in order to....kill all the workers? So they wouldn't be paid at the end of the job? The human is unconscious and might be a saboteur.
Kinda wild to have a tense survival thriller that just happens to also have dragons and dwarves in it. I like the idea?? The benefit of starting in medias res is that we don't know who to trust either. So we can plausibly mistrust everyone!!
I'm still so confused, I'm so confused, lolsob.
It's a dense political thriller TOLD IN THE DARK and that's a problem for me.
Ok so...
The cave in might have been sabotage...
There's tension between the dwarves based on their relationship with humans...
There's a gas mask human...
There's a monster that can see in the dark.
The human says "we dug too deep" and that her last memory is of.....fangs.
Ooh, the human sympathizer unchained her and she led him to a secret door and SheRa glowy tech.
Oh no, the humans think DWARVES were the saboteurs. WHO DID THE THING, WHO DID IT. The humans tell the girl that they're super sorry but there's, like, a dwarf uprising to deal with and basically there's not gonna be a rescue, sorry. She seems important and mentions an uncle, who I can only assume is Elon Musk.
[TW] oh shit oh shit uhhh, she killed herself and now they have to decide whether to go full Donner party.
(They voted No.)
Ok, I love the idea of a thriller in a fantasy setting, but this is the SLOWEST movie.
Like, arguably there is some genius in making a cave in movie tense and slow and claustrophobic, but I'm tense and anxious and claustrophobic.
Apparently the scary cave monster is a people too? The dwarves agreed not to hurt it and it's happy? She gave them eggs to eat. B-big ones.
Oh god, they're planning an amputation.
OH MY GOD ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS.
Ok uhhhhhhhh I don't recommend this movie for anyone who has medical trauma or a sensitive OH MY GOD no JESUS it got worse???????
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHAT.
That was the most depressing ending ever!!? Fuck?? That?? NO NO NO NO.
They just quietly ran out of light in the darkness while one of them insisted he could hear rescuers coming and the other said he couldn't hear a thing. If you fast forward through the credits to the very end, you get a special scene where I PUNCH THE WRITER FOR WASTING MY TIME.
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