Apparently they made a prequel to the trilogy I've been watching? I assume it's about Sam and his origin story. I know THE HOBBIT is going to be good because a full baker's dozen of you were like "you don't have to, save yourself" when I mentioned I'd watch it for this series.I have seen all the movies before... once... in theaters... and the lack of captions was a bad thing. Maybe I'll like it better once I can understand what people are saying! I am going to say AGAIN that all I wanted going into this movie was for the casting director to cast half+ of the dwarves, at random, with lady actresses. And the cowards did not do that.
I really like seeing the thriving dwarf community. It reminds me of the space station on Valerian. I like seeing fantasy cultures just doing their thing. I hate hate hate that they turned "greed" into "mental illness" and explicitly say that "where sickness thrives, bad things will follow."
They're trying to make the Arkenstone like the Ring, with a corruptive influence.
Thranduil being a jerk.
The long tie-ins to LOTR with Frodo feel gratuitous, and these hobbit holes need more cats.
It was hard, I'm sure, to adapt this; the tone is so different in the books. Like, Gandalf is a trickster god who doesn't care he's sending Bilbo off to possibly die. LOTR Gandalf: Gentle dad; doesn't want his boys to leave the Shire; protect their fragile innocence. Hobbit Gandalf: Asshole step-dad; off you go on an adventure, it builds character; you kids supervise yourself while I go do more interesting things over there.
Bilbo's yellow vest and sea-green scarf are my trans masc goals.
"It'll be very good for you and most amusing for me" like. [Insert rant about consent]
Fili and Kili. I'd be just a gay stammering mess in front of those two. Yes, they should have enormous beards, but I actually liked the diaspora-ness of how a lot of them have been forced to (or chosen to? Fili and Kili are the youngest...) abandon pieces of their culture. It's certainly not a coincidence that the hot young ones are the ones without Santa beards, but it works for me as commentary on being separated from one's culture.
One thing I felt this movie did really well, better than the book, was reminding you that they've all betting living as exiles in human lands and this is like a rare exquisite family reunion and a chance to be among people who understand you. They're being very rude, though; treating Bilbo like a porter. I know your mothers raised y'all better than that!! The part where they're feasting and Bilbo is having a panic attack in his empty pantry upsets me. Relatable. Why is no one being kind to the host??
And yes they're being careful while teasing him, but having someone come in and sing about breaking my things is all kinds of anxiety feelings. Ironically, they of all people should understand that, what with the dragon living in their house. The real dragon was inside us all along.
Gandalf praising Bilbo is cute. And I like that everything is clear and above-board such that the dwarves know who and what he is.
Gandalf explaining his reasoning based on Bilbo's childhood is both nice (aww!) and frustrating (people change!!).
Unnnnnng, Thorin is being hot at me and it's a personal attack. Short exiled princes with broody eyes and salt in their pepper hair is my kryptonite.
I'm honestly distracted by how few cats there are in Bilbo's house, do you think he's allergic? Cats and hobbits seem so naturally symbiotic in my head.
The dwarf singing scene is EXCELLENT and adds so much atmosphere and gravity. I think it goes a long way towards explaining why Bilbo went with them. He's sad for them. Their home.
The scene with him running after them, contract in his hand. *sobs*
THE WEE DWARF PONIES.
brb, writing about someone who breeds dwarf ponies for dwarf accessibility.
Oh oh oh, he's allergic!
Orc flashback time, and we get a snow-white orc which I guess is....something, after all the articles about racism in the core trilogy. Seems like it would've been easier to add some humans and dwarves and elves of color so the forces of Good aren't all white, but what do I know.
The segue to Radagast is smoothly done. I don't really understand the spiders, nor why they leave, but the scene is scary anyway. BUNNY SLED!!
Kili, oh my GOD. Moar brave dwarfs rescuing hobbits PLEASE.
This movie is trans boy goals, ok? There's Bilbo in his pastels; the dwarves are all trying to grow facial hair as fast as they can; and everyone is my height but badass. All these boys are trans boys, I have decreed it.
Oh god, that sad and frightened little "What do we do??" look that Kili gives Thorin when Bilbo is being threatened.
Hahaha omg hahaha I'm crying at this scene.
"We don't have parasites, YOU have parasites!!"
*Thorin kicks them, they all pause*
"...I have parasites as big as my arm!!"
I don't really understand all this Necromancer stuff, nor do I remember it being in the Hobbit book. Is it a Silm thing?
The best line in the whole series,
"These are Gundabad Wargs. They will outrun you."
"These are Rhosgobel rabbits! I'd like to see them try."
(WHY IS THERE NO GIF OF THIS??)
It's just so good??? Radagast has been this sort of cute bumbling incompetent up to this point but when it's HIS BABIES, there's all this badass confidence in a moment and you're like "oh, right, he's a WIZARD. Give me more soft boys who are supremely confident about their babies.
(Also, 'Gundabad'? Were they named by Jar Jar Binks??? "Oh nosa! Very bad wargs, GUNDA-bad!!")
Granted, this scene is the worst "I'll draw their fire" in history in terms of tactics. How is this supposed to work if Radagast just runs in circles around their location??
Elrond finds moon runes on the map and Gandalf says he didn't know they were there, and I can't tell if we're supposed to believe him or if this was engineered in an attempt to get the dwarves and elves talking again.
The moon has to be the same shape AND season???! Why even fucking bother putting them there, then????? Imagine if a site asked you to put in a password hint in case you lose your password, but you can only access the hint once every 200 years.
I find it quite distracting that they put Galadriel on a lazy susan so they could spin her in place without disturbing the lines of her dress; she looks like they replaced her legs with a snake.
I forgot they brought Saruman back to be evil at us. Why would they do that? I feel like it just undermines Gandalf's foolishness to trust him later.
LOTR: "I must go see the head of my order; he is wise and will know what to do!"
Hobbit: "My boss is an evil middle manager I need to sneak around because he can't find his ass with both hands.""
Gandalf and Galadriel are telepathing at each other. Are we being hinted at that Gandalf romantically loved her at one point? I like the dwarves quietly leaving without permission, but Gandalf didn't know Saruman was here or that he would try to stop them. How did he tell them in advance to sneak out while he was in council? (He affirms to Galadriel that he knew they'd do this!)
Galadriel and Elrond immediately recognize the blade as a threat but Saruman is like "it's just a dagger, wev" so he seems to be working full time for Sauron already.
UGH, why can't I be as pretty as Cate, she is so pretty and I love her dress. It is so FRUSTRATING to simultaneously want to look like the dwarves AND like Galadriel, like, fucking PICK ONE, brain. Trans sobbing.
I do like Gandalf saying that he picked the Hobbit because he's scared and Bilbo makes him feel hopeful and brave.
I don't like the G+G shipping in that scene because I just sorta feel like there's some nasty and unsubtle No Homo involved? Let Gandalf be gay or ace, why does he need to uncharacteristically love Galadriel?
Could Saruman have actually stopped them?? He acted like he had some kind of authority in that scene, but my understanding was that people are free to tell wizards to stuff their advice up their ass. Yes, I know he has Super Persuasion Magic, I'm not asking if he COULD have stopped them, to be clear, I'm asking if he has actual Authority that they're Supposed to acknowledge, the way a king/god has Authority.
It was also weird to suddenly make the elves vegan and the dwarves hyper-carnivores. Feels like, if anything, it should be reversed! Elves prettily arrow game in their forests, they're not getting dirt under their nails coaxing shit to grow in forest soil with indirect light. And dwarves have got to be living on exotic mushroom and fungus farms, and omg they were complaining about the "mold" on Bilbo's cheese and they live in caves I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER.
"DEAR PETER JACKSON..."
Ah, the scene which is basically Weathertop but with rain instead of snow. It's interesting how much we're following the high notes of LOTR. Shire to Rivendell to Dangerous Mountain.
I don't like this scene. Thorin saves Bilbo but then says he doesn't belong on an adventure and honestly fuck you, but also that....doesn't fit??? By which I mean... Thorin had this amazing speech earlier about how he doesn't care that some of the dwarves are relatively useless because THEY CAME. He called and they came. He values loyalty over skills. And when you don't have a lot of skill to choose from, that's a good stance.
Bilbo has been with them through thick and thin, even saving their lives once. It doesn't make sense for Thorin to start sniping about his known lack of skills. MOST of the party isn't particularly cut out for this adventure!!! It feels like out of character manufactured conflict to set up the next plot point.
Quibble: I don't like the subtitles for the orcs. It's scarier, somehow, when I don't know what they're saying. And nothing they say is plot relevant; it's like "they're that way!"
Would Sting glow around a DEAD orc?
Oh. I forgot about the shitty fat hatred re: the goblin king. Why do films always make the head of non-human tribes the biggest? This is Gungan Star Wars all over again. Why not a small crafty king who everyone respects because he manages to outwit and manipulate people? Why assume brute force is the only valued trait? You don't NEED brute force if you have the charisma to convince the brutes to do your bidding.
They crushed the ear horn, I'm not ok, why did they film that? LET DISABLED HEROES HAVE THEIR ACCESSIBILITY DEVICES. Like, they'll crush the disability devices but not the fancy swords, and as a creator those are CHOICES you're making! It's so often!! If an accessibility device exists, it'll be treated like a Chekov's Gun to either destroy, steal, or be "useful" for some non-standard use later.
Oh, hey, Sting flickered out when Gollum killed the goblin. Answered my question!
Not sure how I feel about them making Gollum a plural system between Smeagol and Gollum. Feels like it fits into the stigma of plural system people being killers? Idk, I'm a singlet, idk.
BEAUTIFUL. [Link: https://twitter.com/alexandraerin/status/1124437953042898944]
I think it's interesting that Galadriel says the Ring "did not intend" to be picked up by Bilbo, because if it wanted to get out from under the mountain, that was an expedient out. I do realize an orc or goblin picking it up might have been reported back to Sauron faster, but then again it might not have.
A criticism I have of the book is that a lot of the dwarves never feel like flashed out characters (quick: tell me how Nori is different from Ori, and in what ways their personalities differ from Bombur) and the movie doesn't really fix that, alas.
I.....really hate that Thorin just leaves everyone in the dangle-tree to die so he can slow-mo walk towards his enemy while the opera warms up?
Eagles are Gandalf's solution for every problem. Eagles and hobbits.
The Thorin hug gets me in the feels.
I....mostly liked that one?? The dwarf singing carried the film, and Bilbo is a good Bilbo. Ooh, and there's more singing in the credits!
I wish they'd actually gotten to the mountain, but I guess it was a good standalone movie. Oh wait I'm hearing there's a sequel.
Really, though, the best moment in the movie is the THESE ARE RHOSGOBEL RABBITS line.
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