Film Corner: The Crown and the Dragon

Today's "stuck on the couch in pain" Amazon Prime movie is DAWN OF THE DRAGON SLAYER. That is NOT the same thing as DRAGONSLAYER, CURSE OF THE DRAGON SLAYER, or CURSE OF THE DRAGON. Yes, those are all different movies.

This one says "After Will's father is killed by a dragon, he embarks on an epic journey to seek vengeance against the vicious monster." Nice and straightforward. A guy in Ikea fur rugs sits on a rock and plays a recorder. A dragon immediately swoops down and sets him on fire. Everyone's a music critic.

Oh no, the captions are wildly out of sync. That's gonna be a problem. Hey, @PrimeVideo can you check the captions on DAWN OF THE DRAGON SLAYER? They're out of sync, 3 minutes in. Thank you! I'm gonna take a nap while they fix it.

Ok, we can't figure out why this ONE MOVIE won't caption properly on my devices (everything else does!!) so let's try THE CROWN AND THE DRAGON which is almost the name of my favorite novel on the Choices game app. "Elenn, a noblewoman and Aedin, a smuggler, traverse danger and peril across dragon-filled lands to fulfill her calling as the Paladin."

I'm very confused because they're talking about a war between Deirans and Vitalions and those are factions from the Mythica series, and the narrator sounds like the priestess from Mythica, so what's happening to me. Oh! They're both made by Arrowstorm Entertainment?? This could get interesting. ANYWAY, invaders brought a dragon with them (either deliberately or incidentally, I do not know) and the people call out for a holy warrior, etc etc etc, save them.

Somewhere, a noblewoman (Elenn) is told by her aunt to put on her plainest clothes because they are leaving town with the remnants of an ancient weapon. As one does. Elenn and her aunt are stopped by a Bad Guy patrol who have two prisoners. The Bad Guys nearly find the Ancient Weapon but I think Aunt might be a witch because she uttered a word and the horse spooked and ran off with Bad Guy #1. Rogue Prisoner took the opportunity to shank remaining Bad Guy #2.

Oh shit, Aunt is down. Crossbow bolt to the sternum.

[TW: Rape] Aw, man, I was JUST about to appreciate that Prisoner #2 (unattractive and therefore clearly not the protagonist nor love interest) didn't try to rape Elenn so that Prisoner #1 (attractive, protagonisty) could save her, and then that exact thing happens. I hate that trope. Just once, I'd like ALL the prisoners (both attractive protagonist and unattractive minor characters!) to be anti-rape.

[TW: Rape] Especially here, during an occupation, where most prisoners are going to be political and not, like, actual dangerous mean criminals! It just fucking bugs me a lot when the attractive protagonist is good and honorable, etc, but his unattractive friends are leering and dangerous to defenseless women, like, way to fall into a BUNCH of problematic tropes all at once there.

I gotta go get ready for LOTR tonight, be back in a bit.

Ok, time to resume this terrible movie.

[TW: Violent Misogyny] UGH, the gallant hero *shoves* the woman down because she's too violently angry about her own assault and has to be thrown to the ground in order to calm her. GREAT. Elenn is now following this guy and begging for him to help her, which honestly makes no sense. He's a wanted criminal and she's a plucky noble lady; pretty sure she can talk her way past the "peaceful" invaders and into town easier without him.

She offers to buy him a farm and he pledges his service to her. Her surname is Barethon, which smells very Game of Thornesy. Anyway, the goal is to get the Ancient Weapon into Gale without being stopped by soldiers. A complication: somewhere, a wizard who is also a magistrate summons a magic crow-man to find the Ancient Weapon.

On the road, when Elenn hesitates about crossing thick mud, Aedin offers to carry her over. She smiles, he picks her up, then throws her into the mud. Wood chipper this man. I'm really distressed that this is in any way associated with Mythica, which was a million times better about not doing all of this. The rogue in Mythica was an ass, but people called him on his shit.

He's now grinning because her feet have blisters from walking, I fucking despise this man. Why does he need this noble girl to be humiliated in order for him to like her? Why do WE, the audience, need that? I don't need that. I want heroes who are gentle and kind and not toxic jerks. I remind you that she's doing this to SAVE THE WORLD and-- OH MY GOD HE'S GOING THROUGH HER PROPERTY WHILE SHE SLEEPS. She wakes up, tries to stab him, fails.

The crow-man has arrived but fails to kill anyone. Alas.

Elenn jumps into the sea and has to be saved by Aedan, because this movie hates me. (Saved from sirens, no less. Why are there sirens? Who knows!) Oh god, she's naked and drunk and coming onto him now. Who wrote this movie. Who. This movie was written to punish me.

We're just not going to talk about the crow-man, huh? They've been captured by bandits but it's ok because Aedan knows them. This is the most non-sequiter movie I've ever seen.

They're.....in love now? Based on WHAT???? I do not ask for a lot in a love story! Just the the participants have more going for them than mutual hatred! Elenn, I guess, saved Aedan from vague dangerousness. We're still not talking about the magic crow-man.

Apparently Aunt was some kind of Magic Nun and now Elenn has to become a magic nun in her place and I guess that's bad? Don't mind us, Movie, no need to explain your own world building. I guess it means she can't bone the common-born rogue guy who's been a jerk to her, but honestly if she's a noblewoman that shouldn't be a new shocking revelation. They're kissing and one of the young nuns is so scandalized and I'm laughing my ass off. Apparently fantasy nuns don't know about female desire.

Oh sweet, Elenn is having visions of being the Paladin. Nice! I was praying it'd be her and not Aedan.

...being the Paladin means that Elenn can't walk an has become the mandatory bag of sexy potatoes for Aedan to drag around. The nuns can't help; they're all being killed by the crow-man of whom we are not speaking.

Crisp is imitating Elenn needing to be carried everywhere. Very powerful thing, Paladining is. *eyes roll into the next room*

Elenn has been stripped naked so a hermit can paint symbols on her. What a tremendously good power fantasy this is for me, I say in a deadpan. Elenn has been kidnapped by the crow-man, which was easy to do because she's naked and catatonic. Aedan got himself stabbed so he's staggering uselessly around.

Elenn is being put on trial by combat and needs a champion. Gee, I wonder who will stumble into town. Aedan shows up and....lovingly reminds her of that time he threw her into mud. This is a type of courtship I'm afraid I don't understand.

This trial by combat would probably be more thrilling if both sides didn't want the exact same outcome.

CONTINUITY ERROR: Why do horses appear and disappear randomly from the heroes' inventory??

The sirens have become plot relevant, for reasons unknown to me.

Elenn exploded the dragon, and now she has to be carried again because she's sexy potatoes.

I really thought being a paladin would uhh be more empowering than that. Smash cut to credits.