Film Corner: Dudes & Dragons

Ok, this Amazon Prime movie I am confident will be terrible in funner ways than the last one. How do I know that? It's called DUDES & DRAGONS.

"When a powerful wizard vows to rid the land of love through the use of his fire-breathing dragon, a brave team of eccentric warriors embark on a grand quest to break the curse, defeat the wizard, and slay his terrible beast." I can't deal with the sheer mind-altering beauty of that description. RID THE LAND OF LOVE? VIA DRAGON???!?

The wizard?? Is also?? Played by Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer?? I DON'T KNOW WHY. WHY NOT.

We start with a definition: "Dolvarnog: an enchanted fire-breathing dragon specifically trained to murder anyone showing outward signs of love." AMAZING. Oh gosh, one of the actors is the Fighter from Mythica. Fantasy Amazon Prime movies have a lot of actor overlap.

THERE ARE SLOW-MO FACE CLOSEUPS AND WHOOSH SOUNDS.

OH MY GOD YES CINEMATIC SLOW MOTION MONSTER FIGHTING.

See? See how easy I am to please?????? It's not hard!!

...mmph, the Sacrificial Virgin is comically killed by a love-dragon right after being saved, I don't love THAT. Ok, the Handsome Knight got killed too, my annoyance is assuaged. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Even better: He got killed in slow-mo, which is the best death.

I just have so many questions about a wizard who specifically trains a dragon to ONLY look for love.

Oh hello, what's happening. A pretty blond man is running in slow motion and acquires a magic ring. He gives it to his forbidden lover, who is ALSO from Mythica. This Fantasy Movie Venn diagram is getting crowded. (The forbidden lover is a woman, sorry if I got your hopes up that a fantasy movie might have gay rep. I'm disappointed too. Her forbiddenness is that she's an elf and his parents are racist.)

Wizard Spike is apparently doing this whole dolvarnog thing because he's in love and his childhood girlfriend refuses to un-breakup with him. Blond can't marry his Elf girlfriend unless he brings back his older brother, the Mythica Fighter from before the credits. OFF WE GO.

Warrior doesn't want to marry and settle down, so Blond can't have his Elf, BUT a magical dragonfly drops a "help me Obi-Wan Kenobi" message from Wizard Spike's captive ex-girlfriend. She even does the Leia motion of fiddling with R2D2; somebody was enjoying themselves. "Help me if you want to hold me, you're my only hope." OH MY GOD WHAT TERRIBLE PUNNAGE.

Elf-maiden got herself partially Dolvarnog'd so now we're on a FETCH QUEST and also some utterly amazing, uh, wagoneering was done and there was some catapulting.

The fat guy saved everyone!

Leia is befriending the dragon and it's sweet.

They're slow-motion eating now and we have hit the limits of what slow-motion can make cool.

I wonder if I'd like this hero as much as I do (I do!) if I didn't already love him from Mythica. I like to think I would, but unless I get amnesia we'll never know for sure.

[TW: Rape] I should TW for a previous scene; Blond was kidnapped and sexually threatened by a goblin queen, but he was saved just in time. And of course the whole thing with Wizard Spike holding his cousin hostage until she agrees to marry him is rapey. Just heads-up for all that. It's certainly possible to make a fantasy movie without threatening anyone with rape, but a lot of writers seem unaware of that??

There's a whole lot about romantic love being the BEST THING EVER and I keep wanting to yell "have you heard of aros" at the tv, but now they have to fake love as a trap so one of the guys is dressed as a woman and I'm having to switch to yelling "have you heard of gay".

Everything goes belly up because Blond is made of impatience and arrogance, and now his big brother has to fix it and I do like the line "It doesn't matter whose fault it is; all that matters is we fix it."

I laughed out loud when Leia pointed out AGAIN that she and Spike are cousins and he says "It is very common in some cultu--" and she yells "NOT HERE!!!" How delightful. A fantasy movie that also manages to satirize fantasy movies.

Aww, a good friend hug happened! Uhhh, and then....toxic masculinity happened about not crying. Why, Movie? Why do you do this to me.

God bless Spike for doing his best in this role, really. I love seeing famous actors being good sporting villains in terrible fantasy films.

Hahaha, Leia insists on reading her own wedding vows to stall for time, and her vows do that *scroll falls to the floor and keeps rolling several feet* thing. SHE'S READING HER OWN LIFE STORY, HAHAHA. ...Her life story includes a love affair with a centaur prince.

@pastellistin. ...is she filibustering her own wedding?

SHE IS.

*eyes widen* Her life story includes love affairs with an awful LOT of magical creatures. I like her.

Awwwwwwww!! They named the dragon Noogie and he's a very good boy.

A happy ending, and they get a NEW Leia message from an orc maiden in need of help for the orc to save (and presumably love and marry), so omg isn't that just the sweetest thing? Well, that was lovely. Way better than I was expecting and/or the usual standards of Amazon Prime movies!!

Like, I would totally watch that a second time.