Film Corner: Morning Star Warrior

Y'all don't mind that I live-tweet movies at you, do you? It's. I'm grappling with loneliness, and it's a form of talking to people without exhausting my introvert reserves. Tonight I'm going to try MORNING STAR WARRIOR. I think that's it's name. The name on the listing and the name on the movie cover are slightly different. Always a good sign.

"After conquering their enemies, a group of triumphant warriors return home to rejoice with their nation. What starts as a day of celebration quickly turns to horror as the group discovers that the world they lived in has changed forever." Well that's delightfully vague. "Changed forever", like, aliens? Or, like, post traumatic stress? I don't know.

Two opposing armies stare each other down and so far everything looks nicely expensive and artsy. This is a much better quality than my usual fare. Someone had a costume budget. War happens and this looks kinda realistically what I think war would look like in terms of (three guys knife a dude because one on one fighting is harder than bringing your mates to help) but I have no idea which side wins SMASH CUT TO CREDITS.

(Bless you all for reassuring me that my live tweets are ok. The world is just so overwhelming and this helps. Thank you.)

KITTEN SIDEBAR: I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor and Chip and Cookie RAN OVER but then didn't know what to do with it. They were literally looking at each other like "You eat it. No, you eat it. No, you." and I picked it up and nobody gets to eat it. The end. Crisp was alertly looking in entirely the wrong direction and missed all of it.

A fighter comes to on the battlefield and apparently isn't all dead. Someone (A GIRL?? MAYBE? YES!) is looting bodies and I love her already. The girl gave him water, hauled him up (I thought she was gonna fireman-carry him for a minute!), and then...silently did Portentous Pointing at his dead best friend. Is...Is she a witch? Can I double-love her?

SHE'S GONE. MAYBE SHE IS A WITCH.

The fighter left his armor and sword, and he's gonna drag his best friend home in a shroud. And this is so sweet but I recently walked around a nicely cleared Ren Faire and EVEN THERE the sticks and rocks would've shredded this shroud in minutes, I have doubts about this plan. He's found a pond (with portentous soap suds, I'm worried about those) and stripped down to his baggy gym pants to bathe.

SOMETHING IS FAST RUNNING IN THE FOREST BEHIND HIM, LEAVE, GET OUT. Oh, man, has anyone done a medieval zombie mashup? I think we're having a dream sequence now? A red headed girl (ANOTHER WITCH?) in a wheat field baffles him. No one has spoken a word since before the credits, it's very artsy.

He and his dead friend had a portentous conversation in which they portentously agreed he was Not Alone.
The red headed woman is teleporting around to fuck with him, which I support on principle. Days pass but I guess the body doesn't decompose into a smelly mess? CSI has left me with a lot of probably incorrect expectations.

He saved an elderly man from hooligans and now they're discussing the nature of free will and it's very nice.
I think the old man might be a woodland god, but I always think that about old men.

[TW] HOLY SHIT why did we smash cut to Catholics torturing the red headed witch?

The old man is gone and....maybe took the dead body with him? The Knight is looking for him and his dead friend portentously points at the red head nearby. IT'S ARTSY OK.

Noooooope, that was just another dream! We're waking up again and the dead body is....gone again? This is like Groundhog Day: Medieval Witch Edition. I love it.

A frankly irresponsibly old woman is arguing that the dead body is her son and this poor knight is teetering between Freaked Out and Frustrated and I love this, I unironically love this beautiful mind fuck.

So far, every word of the Amazon description has been wrong. Every word. No enemies were conquered. No one was triumphant. There's no "group" of warriors. No one has returned home. No rejoicing. No day of celebration.

This movie reminds me (in a good way, this is a compliment) a little of SEASON OF THE WITCH and the parts where you're not sure if magic is real or if everyone is just tripping their medieval balls off.

NOW SHE'S CLAIMING TO BE THE KNIGHT'S MOM TOO.

Something just SQUEAKED and I had to check on all four of the cats, but it seems to have been the movie. Oh no! It's a girl and she's been caught by Fantasy Catholics, the natural predators of all girls. YES IT'S THE GIRL FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE AND she just fucking garrotted a guy AND I LOVE HER EVEN MORE.

She has a PhD in cryptic.

Y'ALL. Y'ALL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SUMMARIZE THIS. Uhhhhm, she healed him and he's terrified and the red head burned at the stake in a dream sequence and then garrote-girl climbed on top of him and they banged while the red head looked worried from another scene and that's not even the half of it? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON, BUT I AM TERRIFIED AND I LOVE IT.

He's waking up again, it's very Groundhog Day but with witches. The movie is starting over? Apparently?

She's running into a castle and he's gonna follow her, dammit. THERE'S A CREEPY MURAL THERE AND HE'S ON IT?? OH MY GOD THERE'S A GHOST KING IN THE GHOST CASTLE I THINK. ALEXA TURN ON EVERY LIGHT IN THE HOUSE.

The ghost king is discussing free will and I need an adult.

He and Dead Friend are chatting again. Sweet babies. (I want to code these two very hard as lovers, but if I do then we have a Dead Queers situation, and that would make me sad, but but but!)

FLASHBACK. A priest tells Younger Knight and someone is accused of being a witch. (The red head? Maybe?) We're eating maggots now, because hungry. It's very tasteful and not too gross. ARTSY.

Garrote Girl is back!! They're gazing on Stonehenge together. Wait. Or is it Manhattan? There's a....helicopter??? THERE'S A HELICOPTER?? I can HEAR it, there's a SUBTITLE for it, it says there's a HELICOPTER. THERE'S AN AIRPLANE, HE'S LOOKING UP AT IT.

Now the dead body is him and the garrote girl is the red head, BUT I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE HELICOPTER. And he sadly keeps dragging the body and she nods sadly and credits SMASH IN and what what what what the fuck was that? WHY WAS THERE A HELICOPTER AND AN AIRPLANE AND AN AMBIGUOUS SKYLINE?

EXPLAIN THIS.

ONE of these is right??

That was amazing. It was really great until the helicopters showed up.

Ok ok ok ok. I THINK. I THINK this is what happened? The Knight was in love with the Redhead. She was accused of witchcraft. He left to fight in the war and believed she'd be found innocent. Instead they burned her while she was away. He died on the battlefield along with his friend and tried to take them both home. His subconscious kept summoning witches to alternately save and torment him as a form of self flagellation?? Maybe??

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELICOPTER FITS IN except as a symbol of how long he's been restlessly roaming the earth. And he is going to continue to roam because he can't forgive himself. I guess?? LOOK, I need everyone to show this movie to a friend who HASN'T seen my thread, and report back how they respond to the helicopter. Please pick a friend you don't mind losing, though; I don't want to be responsible for any breakups. And you have to have the captions on or they might insist they don't hear the helicopter because THERE'S A HELICOPTER IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Every word in the Amazon description was wrong. Every word. Every word. This movie has changed my life, how can I trust anything now? Any movie could end in a wrenching genre shift involving helicopters. Without warning.