Film Corner: Dragonfyre

I'm siiiiiiick and very lonely so it's Bad Amazon Prime Movie time. [TW: Illness] Like, literally I'm jumping up to go vomit every few minutes, so this is suckier than usual. Fuck you, body.

Today's offering is DRAGONFYRE. "In an epic battle of good versus evil, The Sentinel and his unlikely band of heroes must fight the Orcs, lords of dragons, soldiers of death to protect a princess from the hands of an evil sorcerous [sic] who would sacrifice her to take over the world." That description does not spark joy.

Strong start! Some elves run from orcs in a woods while THE BIGGEST MOON EVER slowly eclipses a secondary and equally huge moon in the night sky above. It's very clearly shot day-for-night but honestly I prefer that to the Game of Thrones method where you can't see shit.

...oh no, I've seen this movie before. Y'all. Y'all this movie is a RIDE.

The elf princess' escorts are killed by orcs; she runs to a cave which opens because of the eclipse. She's looking for a wizard named Richard. The wizard has an AUTOMATIC RIFLE and mows down all the orcs, finishing up the last few with his DUAL WIELDED PISTOLS. America, my friends. He's wearing a duster coat, because of course he is. The wizard dies from a spirit curse but promises that a new Sentinel will come. That's right, bitches, we're on modern day Earth now.

A handsome man wakes up after flashback dreams about his military service. His realtor is the chick from DUDES & DRAGONS and MYTHICA. Is she in *every* dragon movie? *checks her imdb* Oh my god, she kinda IS in every dragon movie. Amazing.

Ranger Joe wants peace and quiet, so he's bought the old house that the (now deceased) wizard lived in. Since I'm pretty sure the elf girl is running around on the property still, this is an AMAZINGLY swift timeline. Like: The wizard was found dead, his house put on the market, and sold in the space of...one day? Two? This realtor may be a wizard as well.

Ranger Joe is pretty pumped about moving into this completely furnished old house. He's slightly discomforted by the previous guy's apparent obsession with star charts. Ranger Joe rides out on his property and sees the Elf Princess so obviously he's going to chase her. Ranger Joe has strong feelings about property rights. Elf kicks him in the face and runs off, so obviously I like her.

NIGHTTIME. Ranger Joe is alarmed when orcs show up yelling "WI-ZARD!!"

CONTINUITY ERROR: the screwdriver he is holding and which will surely soon be used as a weapon has changed from a Philips to a flathead and this troubles me. "This is private property" says Ranger Joe to a fully armed and armored orc regiment. God, you just know his favorite author is Ayn Rand. ...Ranger Joe is pretty frisky for someone with an arrow in his chest. His SECOND AMENDMENT SHOTGUN drove the orcs off and you're un-American if you don't find that beautiful.

[Racism] Oh shit. There's a Portentous Native American character showing up in Ranger Joe's dreams. He healed Ranger Joe and I guess dragged him to this log cabin lined with furs. (The actor was--he's now deceased--a Filipino-American. I can't find any indication that he ever joined an indigenous nation. I'm assuming this is racist appropriation going on here.) With stereotypically halting English, Whitefeather fills Ranger Joe in on orcs, magic, and worldgates. He's also wearing a blindfold to suggest blindness? How many identities are being trampled here, I swear to god.

Somewhere, rednecks camp. Two of the men are also from DUDES & DRAGONS. Why are dragon movies so incestuous with their casting??? I'm fascinated by this massive overlap of actors. ...Oh my god, I was wrong; it's not TWO guys from DUDES & DRAGONS, it's ALL THREE. The rednecks are the Prince, the Brother, and the Servant.

Orcs kill most of the rednecks, but the Elf saves the nice one. Elf runs to Ranger Joe's house and he reluctantly lets her in. He seems REALLY CHILL over the entire situation of orcs exist and having been arrowed by one. I would be having existential questions, but not Ranger Joe.

There's a sticker in the house that says WHEN GUNS ARE OUTLAWED, I'LL BECOME AN OUTLAW, just to make sure you get the goshdang point. Ranger Joe shoots one of the orcs in the back and tells the rest that this is PRIVATE PROPERTY. He's really hung up on his property rights, y'all.

Elf Girl got herself poisoned, so it's off to Whitefeather to heal her. I'm impressed that he was able to instantly find and treat the cut on her face, given that he's supposed to be blind. She could've been cut anywhere! But, nope, he went straight for the little shallow facial cut which is poisoned with some kind of compound which must surely be from the other world (not to mention her own biology is alien!) but Whitefeather'll heal it all up. Rub some salt on it, that's witchy.

Ranger Joe is sad because he doesn't want to be a hero. He leaves the unconscious Elf Girl with this random guy, because......I don't know why, y'all. Trust, I guess.

Back at the house, Ranger Joe realizes one of the dead orcs isn't dead after all, so it's time for CREATIVE QUESTIONING. Oh and there's a wall of sexy guns in the basement, if you like that sort of thing. Tasers wake up orcs, in case you were wondering. Ranger Joe wants to know how many orcs are in "my woods". I really do think he's about to explain John Galt. "I'm now going to read you this scene from The Fountainhead..." (ok, not really.)

PLOT: if the Elf is sacrificed properly, the worldgates will open and orcs can invade Earth. For...reasons.

Elf Girl decides to bring a sword to an arrow fight, and Whitefeather has to haul her back inside the log cabin. Which is....safe, somehow? Oh, there's a back exit. Ranger Joe is here on his John Deere with his automatic gun! Elf climbs up behind him and hangs on. She's driving the John Deere while he shoots orcs and if you don't love this scene you don't love AMERICA probably.

Back at the house, Ranger Joe sets up a sniper nest on the roof. I wish I could tell you what gun he's using, but all I know is that it's a Big One. SLOW MOTION SNIPING OCCURS. The Elf Girl frowns and points out that this really isn't magic, is it?

Later that night, Whitefeather and Nice Redneck show up at the house. Nice Redneck suggests that they all drive to New Mexico. Ranger Joe explains that HIS PROPERTY is HIS PROPERTY and no orcs are allowed. The astronomy the previous wizard left behind points to an upcoming time when shit will go down. The previous wizard also left behind a JUGGERNAUT WAR WAGON. Pffft, I could be a wizard with this kind of prep. Ranger Joe is really falling up here.

Invasion time! The worldgate will be open for 23 minutes. That's a lot of orcs.

Hahaha, omg, the Elf Girl is using a fucking modern compound bow. YES. I'm down with that, WHY NOT. I mean, she had frequent contact with the old wizard; maybe he bought it for her. The...the realtor just pulled up in her van, mid-catapult loading. Oh dear, her van was catapulted.

Ranger Joe EMERGES FROM THE LAND ITSELF, having been hiding under a carefully disguised pit, and mows the orcs down with a GUN. THIS IS HIS PROPERTY. HE IS ONE WITH THE PROPERTY. HE IS THE PROPERTY. Sniper fire gives Ranger Joe cover to flee. It's the Realtor! She's on the roof in her miniskirt, gleefully snipping away at far-off orcs whom I presume she believes aren't human. She's taking this well.

Ranger Joe does not need to aim his automatic gun! Ranger Joe just waves it left to right and everything falls down! Ranger Joe is almost captured, but A TANK APPEARS. It's Redneck on what appears to be anti-aircraft ordnance! I don't know!

......ok, and THAT is a grenade launcher.

S E C O N D A M E N D M E N T

The Elf and her compound bow have exactly the same range as the Realtor sniper next to her, which I find interesting.

Oh no! Realtor down! We have Realtor down!

A dragon emerges. Well, thank god they have an anti-aircraft gun, I guess.

Both Redneck and Tank have been destroyed by dragon...fyre. Elf has gotten herself kidnapped.

The house has been destroyed as well. HIS PROPERTY.

Elf Girl has been drugged and is now Sexy Potatoes.

Ranger Joe is John Deereing to the rescue!!!

Ranger Joe has punched a dragon. Cross that off the bucket list.

Ok, we're down to Elf Girl, Ranger Joe, and an army of orcs. But it's ok because Ranger Joe rolled a high intimidation check and everyone ran off. Elf Girl asks Ranger Joe to stay in her world and go to bonetown, but he has to return to his one true love: his property. The end.

Somewhere, Ayn Rand smiles.