Film Corner: Dragons of Camelot

Alright, friendos, I'm still sick as fuck so it's time for yet another Amazon Prime fantasy movie, at least until the sweet release of sleep. Apparently I forgot to put my tip jar in the last two threads, so here's a can to put a dollar in if you want! It buys food, so that's cool.

This one is called DRAGONS OF CAMELOT and I know it's gonna be good because it's got 2 stars on Amazon. Do you know how bad something has to be to get 2 stars? This movie is probably going to burn down my house.

"Camelot is plunged into darkness after King Arthur dies. Now the reign of his cruel sister, Morgana, begins. Commanding three deadly dragons, she hunts the remaining Knights of the Round Table." I'm just gonna be on Morgana's side from the start, see if that helps at all.

We open with Morgana summoning and binding a dragon. The special effects are fine, so that can't be why the 2 stars. Arthur is dying of terminal white beard, so I'm not sure why Morgana and everyone else look like the age they'd be if he died properly from terminal battle wounds. Arthur tells Gwen that he forgives her for that whole Lancelot thing and that he regrets disbanding his knights over the affair.

GALAHAD IS ARTHUR'S SON?

Sure, ok, I don't care.

Oh, I guess Arthur adopted him? Lancelot is his sperm donor.

Arthur just told Galahad that Lancelot is Camelot's only hope, and that's gotta be a real kick in the teeth, eh? "Kid, you're not competent to run things around here; go get your old man." The acting is all perfectly competent so far! I'm waiting for the 2 starishness like the sword of fucking Damocles.

Galahad holds a funeral pyre service for about 15 random villagers. Back at the castle, Morgana makes her move. A villager questions this and Morgana has VAMPIRE SPEED EFFECTS and snaps her neck. She's also kinda dressing like a vampire, actually. Now Galahad is calling Gwen "mother" and I honestly don't know if they mean biologically or adoptionally.

Gawain is Team Morgana and the knights are very sad about that. He even growls "I always join the winning side!" which is SO OUT OF CHARACTER FOR GAWAIN. Someone gets eaten by a dragon. Excalibur no longer makes the wielder hot stuff, I guess, because Galahad crumpled like a paper bag. I...I think Galahad is Gwen's bio kid here, actually. Huh.

Gwen and Merlin get tossed in the dungeons, while Galahad grabs the shattered remains of Excalibur and runs for the hills. Galahad's pursuers are so inept that I honestly can't tell if they're letting him go because the script needs him to get away, or if they're secretly loyal to Arthur and covering for his escape.

Here, have my favorite Gawain song and know how deeply out of character it is to have him growling "I always join the winning side!!" at Galahad. Ooh, maybe the fact that it's out of character is a CLUE and he'll BETRAY Morgana. Traditionally, the knights of the round table are not smart cookies, but Gawain could probably pull off a double-cross. Maybe.

Morgana's crystal ball is a black bowling ball and I'm fucking stealing that if I ever make a low budget movie. Gawain tells her it's a waste of time to look for Galahad and to be happy with seizing Camelot. Still holding out hope for Secret Agent Gawain.

Galahad just got captured by a girl bandit and her brothers. Oh, fucking-- The robbers are Percival, Bors, and Dindrane. (Related only to Percival, not Bors, only one of them is her brother, we apologize for the error in the summary above.) Percival is being a real prick about this whole situation. No one explains why ex-Knights of the Round Table are robbing people, but since that's what knights do I feel bad dinging it. Historically accurate if not mythologically accurate.

The dragon strafes them and now they have horses they pulled out of their asses. Lancelot is brooding in a tavern and (a) extremely attractive silver fox, and (b) cunning enough to prevent a bar brawl when Galahad bumps into the wrong dudes. We're just calling Morgana "Morgan" now. Do scripts even have consistency checkers? Pick one and stick with it!

Dindrane is so out of fucks for all of this and I kinda love how utterly DONE she is? Once again, they pull horses out of their butts and skedaddle, this time from Morgana's soldiers. One of Morgana's nameless soldiers is this pretty boy who just looks delighted to be in a movie and I love him.

Gawain has graduated to questioning Morgana's orders to kill women and children if they harbor Lancelot. BACK AT THE DUNGEON. Gwen is giving Merlin a pep talk while he insists that his powers have been taken by Morgana. Galahad seeks Sir Ekhart. Nothing to report except that the ground is soft enough for the horses to leave little divots. I wonder what that's like.

In an interesting reversal of expectation, Ekhart is NOT the farm owner; he's a lowly farmhand employed by the farm owner. He polishes his armor every day and dreams of being a knight again, my heart. The dragon shows up and weren't we promised THREE dragons? So ok, they need to get the sword to the stone (because that will....repair the sword?) but there's a dragon in the way. Percival is all "Lancelot, you totally got this, we'll stay back here."

They cram all the pieces of Excalibur into the stone, it reboots itself, and Galahad pulls that bad boy out like the chosen one that he apparently is. As is traditional with ALL king arthur movies, Bors is down first, the poor boy. Lancelot took the dragon's head off with Excalibur, but I remind you that was a baby dragon so it's not really that impressive. And Bors is dead. Galahad is like "It's what he would've wanted" but I'm pretty sure that's a Citation Needed.

Dindrane lays her head on Galahad's shoulder and it's so refreshing that he just looks like "oh! I have a friend!!" rather than simmering with potent lust at her. I'VE WATCHED A LOT OF BAD MOVIES, OK. In an attractive Ren Faire village which will definitely NOT be sacked and burned in retaliation, gentle goodly villagers welcome the knights with open arms. Morgana requisitions another dragon from the dragon cave. I guess we're gonna have three sequential dragons.

How EXACTLY was Lady Dindrane able to skin the entire dragon, and why is she not covered in blood??

Smash cut to Galahad and Dindrane making out and tearing each other's clothes off and holy shit that was abrupt. I mean, obviously it was coming because she's the only girl in this film, but. One fade-to-black later and a dragon appears to strafe the village. Ekhart is down. Lancelot wounds the dragon but didn't kill it. It flees. The village didn't burn down, though, so-- Well, Morgana's men are invading, so there's that. They're going to take the villagers to a castle, because that will cheer them up, I guess?

Oh my god, actual dialog:

"Arrows don't work!!"

"What if the arrow is on fire? And we send it down the creature's throat just as it inhales?"

WHAT IF THE ARROW IS MADE OF DIAMONDS AND WE POISON THE TIP, WHAT IF THE ARROW IS ADAMANTIUM. Percival tells her to loose the arrow too soon, and it doesn't work. Percival is also giving his blessing for Dindrane to keep going to bonetown with Galahad, as long as he puts a ring on it one of these days.

HAHAHA, Galahad is super excited about this secret tunnel under the castle that Lancelot knows about until "I used it to visit your mother" is said and he's like WHY WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME, OUT LOUD, TO MY EARS.

I'm pretty sure the black bowling ball is engraved with the name of the bowling alley they borrowed it from; I can SEE letters, I just can't make them out.

Percival is eaten. Dindrane blows it up with the fire arrow trick; does not even hesitate. Not even gonna bury her brother. They got shit to do. (I mean, it irks me when people take a day to bury someone when the plot doesn't have time for that, but still. Jarring.) Morgana requisitions a third dragon from the Cave of Dragons.

Galahad is now anxiously shutting Lancelot down every time he tries to talk about Gwen. Your parents boned, kiddo, I'm sorry. Probably had a threesome with Arthur, even, depends on who you ask, but that's not the point now. Let Gwen get her freak on.

In the dungeons, Merlin continues to fail. Gwen is removed in order to be Lancelot-bait. Lancelot gives himself up so....he and Gwen can die together? He knew Morgana wouldn't free her, he even says that! Galahad and Dindrane decide to take on the entire army, but rioting villagers are here to back them up. Where did they come from???

King Arthur's spirit tells Merlin to stop being such a whiny baby. ...that works? For fuck's sake, Gwen said all that and it did nothing!!

Well, Gawain missed his chance to double cross Morgana. He died at the rounded end of Excalibur. The climatic wizard battle between Merlin and Morgana involves more running than I would've expected. Lancelot is facing the dragon with a shield made from the skin of its own baby. Kinda tacky. Morgana and the dragon die at pretty much the same time but for different reasons.

Galahad and Dindrane become king and queen, Lancelot stays on as his champion, and Excalibur gets tossed into the lake to be with Arthur. It's not stated, but I assume Gwen immediately resumes boning Lancelot until he can't walk straight.

That wasn't a 2 star movie! I demand a refund. That was a boring 3 star movie: competently acted without anything really egregious I can get worked up about.