Film Corner: Killer Mermaid

Alright bitches and people who don't self-identity in a reclamationary way as bitches, tonight's Amazon movie is KILLER MERMAID. We open with a MOBY DICK quote, and we know Melville was all about those killer mermaids.

Oooh, we get kickass dance music. I'm happy. A couple is sexily making out by the docks at night. I have a good feeling about these two kids, they're gonna live long happy lives. The man is distracted from naked tittles by a song only he can hear.

The boy throws himself into the water and the girl screams for help until someone with two legs shows up and.....skewers her with an anchor or possibly some kind of fishing related weapon. I'm pretty sure that wasn't a mermaid, so maybe this is an unrelated Texas Chainsaw Murderer thing. Texas...Anchor Murderer. Whatever.

An airport! All these actors are unknowns to me, but one girl looks kinda ScarJo and one looks kinda Megan Foxy. They're on vacation. ScarJo is the serious one who is trying to wrest an article out of the vacation because freelancing stops for no mermaid. Megan Fox's ex is going to pick them up and take them to his villa.

...The ex has a surprise fiancee that the girls didn't know about. That's, uh. I feel like that would've been good to know in advance. Megan Fox and Ex Boyfriend are very very very very very clearly not over each other, so that's not gonna be awkward at all. Ex Boyfriend's house can only be accessed by boat and this is scary to ScarJo who has some kind of water related trauma.

Fiancee is just straight up pointing out that Ex Boyfriend and Megan Fox have more history than the "friends" backstory he gave her when he pitched them coming to stay on vacation with them. Bless her.

DANCE PARTY and WINE. Fiancee drinks too much and passes out. ScarJo wants to find a hotel. Megan Fox and Ex Boyfriend end up "accidentally" alone outside. Boyfriend is explaining that, ok, yes, he's engaged, but it's not SERIOUS, baby. Megan Fox tries to stomp off but she's too drunk to get far and now Boyfriend is kissing her. I'm angry-drinking Sprite.

Somewhere, a man urinates in public. The Texas Anchor Killer gets him with an anchor from behind. No mermaids yet.

ScarJo is like "u weren't in your bed last night" and Megan is like "uh we went to town to buy groceries" and ScarJo is like "pull the other one, I wasn't born yesterday." They're going to explore an abandoned army base and maybe an abandoned prison. Lots of abandoned structures. An old man stares at them while they swim.

Something grabbed Fiancee! It's just Shaggy, her scummy ex childhood friend who is trying to bang everything on the boat and possibly jump the boat itself for good measure.

...Crisp is blocking the captions.

Boyfriend hates Shaggy because Fiancee likes Shaggy which feels hypocritical since Boyfriend is shagging Megan. ScarJo is trying desperately to stay out of allllllllll this.

AN OLD MAN. He portentously warns them away from the abandoned prison island which is apparently also an old Nazi concentration camp. So, yeah, that sounds like a bad fucking place to go!! He says a scylla snatched six men off his boat and ate them? I'm....I'm not sure, you guys and not-guys. He might be drunk? He's looking for his daughter, who might be the-- yes, she is. She's the girl from the opening dock scene.

SMASH CUT to morning and them boating out to the prison. Why. Why would you do this.

My god, I think Shaggy is just, like, randomly jizzing on bushes, rocks, passing lizards. He's very horny, ok. ScarJo asks Shaggy for any information about the charming touristy ex-concentration camp that she can write in a feel-good vacation article. I mean, yes, she's a freelancer but. But. But. And there's no phone signal here.

A scary old man is here, carrying buckets. He dumps the buckets down a well and the buckets have hands. Fiancee gasps and he hears her but wanders off. Shaggy refuses to leave unless they take pictures of the well first. SHAGGY. The pictures show a girl in the well, but before they can do anything with that information the old man returns with a gun. Uh-oh!

Their boat is gone, so it's time to run from the old man. ....it's just a double barrel shotgun, I feel like rushing him as a group was an option here. He's reloading! Get him! I mean, sure, Shaggy might get shot but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Sure, hide inside the prison he knows like the back of his hand and which has narrow hallways where you can't dodge his shitty gun.

Oh! Shaggy got his gun! But he had a knife and Shaggy is wounded. Still, props to Shaggy. ...Shaggy is now hiding in water and tourniqueting his leg. Do not do EITHER of these things, kids.

Ex Boyfriend and ScarJo explore the prison. He hears singing and really really REALLY wants to find it. ScarJo hears nothing. Old Man sharpens his....whatever that killing tool is. In an unrelated event, Chip attempts to climb up my arm, slips, and scratches several deep gouges into my skin. Scratch-o-Vision! Feel pain just like the characters on-screen about to be murdered!

ScarJo has graduated to the "This isn't funny, Alex!" stage of all monster movies and, like, is that a legit stage of human denial? I would just assume Alex was in on all this somehow and BOOK IT. Boyfriend is frantically beating on a locked door as loudly as possible because "the girl" from the well is in there. He manages to break into the room, but ScarJo has to abandon him for Reasons. Meanwhile, Shaggy and the other girls search the old man's rooms for a map or weapon. Instead they find a lot of missing person articles and a bloody bathtub. ...and a really old picture of the old man from the bar who warned them not to come here.

Fiancee lags behind from the group and gets anchored. First casualty. [TW: Gore] Old Man takes the time to chop her head off (and, yeah, it takes him a bit of time) just so he can carry her head to the others, throw it at them, and walk off. They're splitting up, which is always a good idea. Pretty sure Boyfriend is dead too, but we don't have confirmation.

Oh, there's a pretty girl down here, that's nice. Here's a gif.

Shaggy is down, courtesy of Old Man With Anchor. I'm not sure the KILLER MERMAID has actually killed anyone yet. He doesn't have a gun and Shaggy has him tackled, GIRLS, BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HIM. Goddammit, I'm pissed. I could take one old codger. I kick like a motherfucker.

Like, I really hate it when people act like they could rush a shooter in a gun violence situation because I feel like rushing an automatic gun with a zillion bullets isn't gonna do much. But this guy has an ANCHOR and he's DOWN, so KICK HIM. (I'm sure lots of you would be good at rushing a shooter because you have Training At Things. I'm just used to Texas guys insisting that they'd be Rambo in a clinch.)

The mermaid is just kinda watching like she's turned on? I'm kinda thinking Old Man might be less "killing on her orders" and more "killing to keep from being replaced by a younger model" right now. Oh, she just turned into her blue snoot form. I'm really confused how the Nazis play into this, unless that was just a real fact about this place where they're filming? I don't think the implication is that they created her. She was apparently just drawn here because it's evilish and off the beaten path?

ScarJo just sorta watched and helplessly whimpered while Shaggy beat up Old Man and Mermaid killed Megan Fox. I think she's gonna have to turn in her World's Best BFF coffee mug at the end of this. Ok, I was pretty sure the Old Man died, but the mermaid fixed him with sexy singing.

@wildestance. Literally the opposite of a killer mermaid.

Yes, it's very upsetting. I think we can all agree, though, that if Herman Melville was going to write a woman, she would definitely be a silent fish woman who is upstaged constantly by an old man who lives by the sea with his favorite anchor.

ALL SEEMS LOST. But at the last moment, a door opens and it's THE OTHER OLD MAN. The good one! Who warned them not to come here! And also his daughter is dead. Shaggy wants to know why Nice Old Man was in a picture in his younger days with Mean Old Man, and honestly? Right NOW? They're old lovers, shut up and get in the fucking rescue boat.

Nice Old Man rows them about halfway to safety then needs a rest. THERE'S A KILLER MERMAID, GUYS. ScarJo hasn't done shit all night, make her row! He used to have a diving crew but the mermaid killed everyone except him and his lieutenant, who was turned naughty by the mermaid. His daughter was named Ana. We're awash with Ana's!! ScarJo can't hear the siren song because she's a woman. I didn't realize women had different ears than men.

They get back to town but SHE'S FOLLOWED THEM. Old Man gives ScarJo a harpoon gun but like.....you could just...run? On land? The land you're now on? ScarJo has gotten in the water for Reasons and I'm screaming. THAT'S why they gave her a traumatic drowning backstory? So there would be drama over whether she'd swim near a killer mermaid???? I feel like that choice could've been difficult on its own, no trauma needed!!

I'm yelling, but this is everything a cheesy B horror movie should be. I love it. I mean, it's bad, but it's good bad. The mermaid SLOW MOTION JUMPED OVER THE BOAT in order to pull Shaggy in, which feels like overkill given that he's been wounded about 17 times tonight. ScarJo jumps into the water and spears her. Somehow they both end up wrestling on land, and Nice Old Man throws a net over her. They stab her again, and Mean Old Man runs up from god only knows where in order to cradle her while she dies.

In the distance, we hear more sirens and see dozens of silver shapes in the water. ScarJo is like "I don't wanna die!" but you could literally just WALK AWAY? You can't even hear their song, girlfriend! Nice Old Man stabs Mean Old Man, then tells ScarJo they're going to take on all two dozen of the incoming mermaids themselves. I am skeptical. SMASH CUT TO CREDITS.