Who is ready for some football? Wait, I'm being informed that I do not have football. I do have terrible Amazon Prime movies, though. EMBER DAYS: The fallen angel Azazel has come to Earth at the behest of the Winter Faerie Queen and formed an alliance with the Greek god Hermes. Together they seek to resurrect Azazel's demigod children, the Nephilim, whose existence would destroy the world.
There's...a lot there, but I guess my first question is why Hermes would want the world destroyed. Hermes loves the world, it's where all the interesting stuff happens. This was recommended by Amazon because of all my dragon movies, so I'm assuming there's a dragon somewhere in this mess.
We open with a narrator who is trying to sound like Galadriel from FELLOWSHIP but it's just not working. A woman in a halter top and a wispy skirt walks in slow motion; she kinda looks like she wanted to dress up for the Ren Faire but just had to go with what was in her closet.
What the actual fuck. I am truly at a loss to describe this costuming. Also, I'm pretty sure this guy wandering through the woods has a GUN. Not sure Ren Faire chick's sword is going to do much against that. Like. Help me here.
It's like a white woman with bright green braids and a white man wearing a maroon dress shirt, a vest with orange flames, lace up black leather boots, and a flared tiered duster coat. He also has glasses and, I THINK, a flower face-painted on his cheek??
I'd call the white woman's braids appropriation except that I think they're just ragged strips of fabric from Joann's Fabric that she taped to her head????
I DON'T KNOW. I'm most messed up by the inartful daisy painted on Solemn Guy's face. It's like he let his daughter practice face painting on him before he went out to hunt demons, and if that's actually the case, that's kind of charming.
Ok, yeah, that's definitely a gun. And he's wearing LEATHER PANTS in a sweaty humid forest, he must smell like death. Someone needs to gif that bit from GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE where the one bad guy scolds the other bad guy for wearing leather to the jungle.
They're being hunted by another white woman with some kind of bright red bird headdress that's probably supposed to be Indigenous appropriation but again it's so bizarrely UGLY that it's baffling on exciting new levels. Like?????? It's like a Captain Jack Sparrow impersonation collided at full speed with ""edgy"" Indigenous appropriation and also too many belts. Also, she's wielding some kind of automatic rifle.
Anyway, she shot Green Braids and Fire Vest dead, so I guess they weren't important. If the face painted daisy goes unexplained for the rest of the movie, it'll be the disappointment of the century. She's also apparently a vampire or a demon or something????? She has unnaturally sharp teeth and an inhuman victory bellow.
Hermes is a consumptive goth boy wearing one of those button-up black shirts with embroidered angel wings that the really douchey country music stars like to wear. He's talking to a snek who didn't ask to be in this shitty movie. Snek looks sad, as though she instinctively knows a shitty movie is filming her even now. Hermes is trying his best to gamely soldier through his dialog but it reads like something a fifteen year old wrote during a mandatory pep rally in the gym.
The important thing, I guess, is Yahweh blasted Azazel's kids. Hermes is sympathetic and points out that the Olympians didn't put up with that shit from THEIR oppressors the Titans, like he's trading friendly tips between pantheons. I'm lying on the floor gasping. Azazel just straight up says that it doesn't really make sense that Hermes would be all Team Apocalypse and Hermes just says he has really strong feelings about free will and being an independent rebel and I'm just gonna assume Yahweh was judgy about Hermes' guyliner.
We're only 5 minutes in and I have to lie down, I'm actually overcome by the exquisite badness of this movie. I'm informed
God Awful Movies did a brilliant podcast on this movie, begging the question of whether Amazon recommended this movie to me BECAUSE they know it's bad.
@yoboseiyo. a lot of ravers wear those. fake locks made of tubing or yarn or other fibre. the colors usually glow in blacklight.
So she's dressed for a rave and he's dressed for a combination Woodstock reunion and Dresden LARP. And Hermes is still a goth cowboy talking to a snek who committed NO CRIME worthy of being in this movie. Ok, I'm up and looking for food to place in my human mouth. Hermes has changed into a sensible black tee and jeans (and, ok, a leather jacket) so he can carry the snake portentously down a railroad track. That's DANGEROUS, Hermes. Feral LARPers challenge him.
Hermes is like, if I wasn't friends with the Winter Queen would I have this sweet press-on tattoo, but the point is moot because she teleports in to vouch for him.
I played Richard III. There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, dammit. Now look at me.
The faerie queen tells her people that never has there been a face more full of truth than Hermes', and I honestly can't tell if she's trolling him or if the 15 year old screenwriter didn't get Hermes' whole thing.
I love how in good acting, like GOOD OMENS, it's foreshadowing when one character WALKS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY from before, but here I'm wondering if I'm supposed to notice when Hermes contradicts what he said literally one sentence ago.
"I am the gods' messenger" I...n o? Hermes is the patron of travelers and mail, and ok, yes, he's used as the messenger in myths where the author didn't want to break Iris out of her original packaging (using her reduces the resale value on ebay) but- ok look whatever we'll just move on. Iris did not invent the queer rainbow to be disrespected by a drama major in a country music shirt, ok. That's all I'm saying. Ok.
@AlexandraErin. Story where the Messenger of the Gods and the God of Messengers keep getting each other's mail and can't figure out whose fault it is.
"Ensuring the survival of the immortals is a mighty task" is a sentence that was written down, and then read, rather than thrown in a fire. "Whispering seductively" is a caption employed at the good snek, and I'm very glad that the actors clearly CARE about the good snek. I feel confident she was given many good snack. I'm just straight up assuming that Hermes' actor owns the snek because he seems to know how to hold her properly. Also, I'm VERY grateful to the internet for helping me not be afraid of pet sneks anymore.
I.....think the Winter Queen kills a human Black man in order for Azazel the fallen angel to take up residence in the vacated corpse and while I am always extremely delighted to see non-white actors in fantasy movies, that is NOT how I would've introduced him.
Ren Faire girl is back and once again spouting nonsense which I will just quote at you.
"They are the satyr.
The faerie folk of the forest.
The ancient warriors.
The earth worshippers."
SATYR ARE ACTUAL THINGS, YOU CAN'T JUST ASSERT THAT THEY'RE HIPPY BOFFER LARPERS!!
Ren Faire girl is Hecate and she's got a side-faun and I need to lie down again. Like, LOOK, I approve of Hecate having whatever she wants but this is like K Stew falling for a damp dishcloth. Girl, love yourself and aim higher. "[Hermes] is not the only one who finds our love objectionable." AH, I SEE YOU HAVE ANTICIPATED MY REACTION, MOVIE.
Hermes is against gods fucking non-gods? Just as a general principle??? Why even use Olympians if you're going to change everything??? Just make up new gods!! Because women can't be friends, the Girl Satyr hates that Hecate is fucking one of the boys. Because nothing says free spirited, passion ruled, love worshipper like petty judgmental bitch.
We....we seem to be on a Shakespearean set in an entirely different play now? Oh, this is the Summer court of faeries. The Summer Queen is somehow blending a Jersey accent with a British one.
The Winter court just busted into this basement and I think we're gonna have a West Side Story dance battle. *snaps fingers* Azazel killed the Summer Knight with his bare hands, so I guess the Winter Queen is in charge now. ....Hermes shot the Summer Queen with a gun. I guess just to be sure. Ok then.
Machine guns are being used by the winter court to gun down the summer court while the Winter Queen dances in front of the bullets and while I know all that may sound cool, I wish to assure you it lands more squarely on "what." I feel I should point out that all the satyrs are white kids with, like, dreadlocks and box braids, so we're still going strong on the cultural appropriation front.
Hecate's faun is possessed while Hecate GODDESS OF SECRETS AND MAGIC helplessly goes "what's wrong what's happening" the whole time. He's been possessed by "Shemihazya, Fallen One" which I had to look up, so we're scraping pretty deep on the mythology here. Shemi wants to stop Azazel and the resurrection of the Nephilim because he's fatalistic and just wants to fade into memory, a motivation which even Hecate of the Slow Uptake points out makes no sense and is out of character for an imprisoned fallen angel. Do writers know that having someone say "that makes no sense" isn't a substitute for providing a reason?? Like, you still have to come up with a reason!!
ANYWAY, apparently the TITANS are walking around just living their lives, and Azazel needs to absorb their power in order to rez his kids or something. "The Fallen One has had countless thousands of years" is another sentence that was written and not burned. Hyperion is the first titan on the list. He's hanging out in a Dickies uniform in an abandoned warehouse, as one does. I feel some kind of way about Azazel being a strong Black man just so he can overpower various white opponents with his muscles. I'm white, of course, so here's
a good article by a Black man you should read.
"The game is afoot," Hermes says, and I am now literally dead.
Y'all know I don't like to clothing shame, but I just don't feel like suede yoga pants and jacket look quite right on Hecate. ANYWAY, Hermes asks the Winter Queen to kill Hecate and the Fallen One and I don't see how this will be hard given that everyone has a weakness to bullets. Other, better movies make you get, like, The Sword of Hades or the Shuriken of Persephone, but here it's just saunter on down to Wal-Mart and buy a 9 centimeter or whatever the gun lingo is.
Rhea is running a pottery studio which is at least kinda earthy. Despite the fact that Hecate had a headstart and knew where they were going, Hermes got there first because....otherwise there wouldn't be a movie I guess? THE WILD HUNT IS AN ACTUAL THING IT'S NOT JUST GOTHS WITH GUNS. Azazel keeps wearing a Nike shirt and I keep wondering if they got permission for that.
Oh my god, Hecate is pregnant with the faun's child. Hermes tells her he knows, and I'm honestly not sure SHE knew. If Hecate GODDESS OF THE MOON isn't aware she's preggo, I may burn my own house down.
I'm deeply annoyed that they keep calling guns "blades". Call them weapons, sure! BLADE HAS A MEANING. Kronos is kinda distressingly hot.
The Wild Hunt is standing still in a line, waiting, and bobbing up in down in dance-anticipation of the upcoming battle. Hermes is dead. Lots of other people are too. He seemed super psyched about dying, for what it's worth. I think the faun is dead. There's a rule in movies that a man CAN be taken hostage to motivate his kickass wife/lover, but she'll never get him back because that would be emasculating. Hecate is taking the irreversible death of her lover really well.
Battles are expensive, so the final showdown will be done off camera and we'll just hear their voices as they argue. Hecate writhes around with magic cramps, then the guy wearing her boyfriend like a skin suit comes back and gives her a final goodbye with the dead faun's spirit. "In our child I will live again." Not sure that's how this works, buddy. He disappears and leaves behind a sprig of fake flowers that were probably shoplifted from Hobby Lobby.
Hecate stalks off screen whilst narrating that she'll be hunted by fae and olympian alike, because Olympians are SUPER against half-god children. *weeps*
Y'all, that movie was... That movie... That movie EXISTED.
Oh gosh the minstrel who actually knew how to play a fiddle!! was!! celebrity cameo!! Alexander James Adams, who is:
- a cinnamon bun
- my favorite folk singer
- a trans boy
- on Bandcamp, seriously go check his songs
He deserves a better movie than this, but that's awesome.
If you know about Alexander's backstory--that he talks about his transness in the framework of being held by the fae while his professional precessor Heather Alexander walked the earth as a changeling, and he won his freedom to return with a song... *tears up* It's just. Him being the minstrel at faerie court is very important to him, and I love him very much and his story is important to ME as a trans mascy person and anyway, yes, knowing they cast him here means a lot to me.
ANYWAY, the movie was garbage but go listen and buy
HE OF THE SIDHE.
He had exactly one scene. If you want to see it, it's in EMBER DAYS at 18:58.
Shut Up!
