Film Corner: Howl

Howl

HOWL: Passengers on a night train are attacked by a vicious creature out of folklore, and must band together in order to survive until morning. I hope it's a banshee. (It is never a banshee. It will be a werewolf.)

Oh, good, the unskippable Amazon Prime videos now include fat jokes.

Our POV character appears to be an employee of the "Alpha Trax" line. Is that a real line or a werewolf alpha joke, I legit don't know. He's been turned down on his application to supervisor, on account of management preferring to promote an obvious douche. Obvious Douche puts Alpha Trax Boy on the next redeye because the usual guy called in sick. (FROM LYCANTHROPY? WHO KNOWS.) He's a ticket inspector with a crush on the stewardess. He rattles off the names of the quaint English places they'll be passing through, all of which I assume will not be equipped to deal with werewolves.

We have been jump-scared by a Chihuahua.

Passengers are rude to him. So far I am existentially sorrowful for this boy. We see a full moon, then the train hits something and screeches to a halt. A vast misty forest surrounds the train on all sides. Probably just hit a deer. Though it's a little disconcerting that when the rudely awakened ticket guard visits the first car, the lights are dim and there are no people. Where are the passengers?

The driver says there's something on the line and they'll be on their way shortly. Alpha Boy and Stewardess try to right her upset cart. A surprisingly strong passenger with two sets of house keys helps. This is vaguely strange. (LYCANS? HAVE TWO HOUSES INSTEAD OF ONE?) Passengers continue to be absolute bastards. I guess we won't be sad when they get eaten? The train driver walks in the dark rain in search of whatever stopped the train, which I feel would be pretty fucking enormous? I thought trains basically GO unless something very very very big says stop.

I have been informed that night trains out of London do not pass through misty rainy endless forests.

To my immense astonishment, my prediction of "probably just a deer" turns out to be true. The driver is attempting to physically pull a dead deer by the antlers from between the train wheels, and like. A fully grown buck weighs more than the entire moon. This isn't happening, buddy. Something outside the train eats the driver. Everyone on the train waits in increasing tension.

I really cannot stress how rude the passengers are. One girl is smoking and singing aloud to her phone, and was verbally abusive to the protagonist. Having been in retail work, I'm torn between "Well, it's realistic" and "But now I won't be sad when they get et." Alpha Boy and Stew Girl call in the emergency, then report to the passengers that it'll be 4 hours before a rescue team can come get them moving again. Passengers yell at them.

One of the passengers wants to walk the remaining 1-3 miles to the station. I find this movie very amusing as an American, because they're *acting* like entitled Americans but they've got UKian accents, so maybe American Rudeness has crossed the pond. One of the passengers is an elderly man with high blood pressure, but he thinks walking 3 miles at night is a grand idea. I refuse to believe the Scottish businesswoman with a laptop and high heels wants to walk in the rain.

They all leave the train and the doors close ominously behind them. They are in "Thornton forest" which I assume is definitely a place and definitely has werewolves. At this point, I strongly believe that Alpha Boy is being liberated by werewolves from these passengers. Maybe he's their long lost cub. Is that the right word for werewolf babies? Cub? Actually, a "yer a werewolf Harry!" story could be really compelling, especially if they're rescuing the poor lad from retail work.

....well, they found the missing driver. Alpha Boy is able to get everyone back into the train in time except the posh elderly woman. And even she's alive, just badly bitten. I wonder if she'll fursplode. The passengers are freaking out. Not ONE of them is quoting those Keep Calm posters. My mental image of England is being challenged.

He has a name! Alpha Boy is Joe. He tries to hail emergency assistance on the phone, but the lines are down. "There haven't been any bears or wolves around here for centuries" they say of Thornton forest. Their cell phones have no signal. I have to say I love the bitchy Scottish businesswoman, like she is 110% personal goals. Oh no, she's got a family. She's doomed.

WEREWOLF NABS SOMEONE THROUGH A WINDOW.

The elderly man gives them a "get it together, y'all" speech, and now they're montaging the windows to be reinforced. Trains apparently have lots and loss of spare loose metal to weld against the walls. You'd think that in itself would take the 4 hours we were told it would take to get help out here. They've already run out of water. It's been, like, an hour.

I think the elderly bitten woman is about to fursplode. She foolishly divulged a backstory. The mystery of the guy with two sets of keys is revealed: he keeps a city flat for mistresses. He's asking Joe to Be Strong and leave the weak behind if it comes to that. Another passenger dies in the lavatory, which you'd think would be safe from werewolves!! Wolf went right through the train ceiling.

The least furry werewolf ever--he's like the Sphinx cat of werewolves--beelines right for Joe to growl at him. Maybe they ARE trying to save/recover him?? The passengers are killing the buff naked werewolf with, like, a crowbar and a fire extinguisher. I'm impressed. The passengers are pleasingly quick to recognize that the werewolf is, well, a werewolf. They're alarmed to see the werewolf is wearing a wedding ring. "Maybe it's a disease you catch?" They all look at elderly pensioner lady.

Elderly Man is telling the story of how this all happened in 1963: a rail crash in the Thornton forest, bodies missing or eaten, a mystery people didn't think too much about. Whoops! It's still alive but after some more fire extinguisher work, it no longer has a face.

Two tiny problems.

1. Elderly Jenny looks real bad.

2. There's more of them in the forest.

Two Keys wants to kill Jenny because she's one of them. The passengers restrain him. The problem is...he's pretty clearly right? Like, I'm ok for amoral bastards to get what's coming, but they need to NOT be right about the obvious zombie-werewolf in their midst.

Two of the boys are going out to try to repair the fuel leak. They don't have any tools, but I think you can do that with bare hands. Stewardess Girl stays in the front with Joe to tell him how wonderful he's been. Ah, ok, they have tape. That's all you need to repair a train. Lookout Boy hears a voice in the woods calling weakly for help. He walks towards it, swinging his light wildly and shouting HELLO. Usually that's a thing you do at the start of horror movies, not 2/3s of the way in.

The train starts up. Jenny turns into a werewolf. To my surprise, Two Keys actually does attempt to save her husband from her. Scottish woman is down, sacrificed by Two Keys. We're supposed to hate him for it, but there was honestly nothing he could do *and* she's responsible for the ongoing Jenny On A Train situation. The tape gives out and the train stops again. Jenny is dispatched but two more Werewolf Zombie Gollums are now on the train.

Don't really see a happy ending here, tbh. Two Keys tries to sacrifice Joe as bait for the monsters, but Ellen cuts Two Keys with glass shards. Ah, you see, the real monsters was us all along. Joe and Ellen escape through judicious application of someone else setting the train on fire. Joe, now a man, stays behind as a sacrifice so Ellen can get away. I assume they'll crown him their king for his bravery. Ellen arrives at the next station, covered in blood; none of the passengers notice.

Back in the woods, Werewolf Joe eats Two Keys. Credits slam in.

...that was dreadful.