(Ana) During quarantine, I found out that Kissmate had never seen the Star Wars prequels (which was a disappointment to him because he wanted to hate them properly) nor had he seen the "unaltered" original trilogy (noooo!) nor had he seen the newest Star Wars except The Force Awakens. I had the pleasure of conducting a 9-movie marathon with him, and there was much love and hate. Kissmate decide to live-tweet Rise of Skywalker to cheer folks up during a difficult week.
(Kissmate) Since we're in a hellscape right now, I figured a ragewatch of "The Rise of Skywalker" (2019) would be appropriate. I know this is a BAD one. "Ruined the franchise" kind of bad. "Pandered to the racist/extremist/fascist fanboys and no one else" brand of terrible. So I'm already prepared to hate the SHIT of this. A bit of background: We did a marathon of all the main 8 movies before this. All three SHITTY prequals, all three of the original cut of the original trilogy, and both newer Rey movies (which I ADORED!). I could not be more prepared for this.
PALPATINE IS ALIVE AND OFF SCREEN TOO. OKAY. FUCK WHAT VADER SACRIFICED HIMSELF FOR I GUESS. Crylo Whine wants to kill the emperor because he doesn't share power. I swear if they make Palpy or Whine some kind of Sauron figure RAGE WILL OCCUR. Whine is killing locals(?) in search of a crystal map, which leads him to a box building that might be a Sith temple. Cool. Palpy speaks and I hate it. "I was every voice you ever heard." SUCK IT, NO YOU WEREN'T. NO. NO NO NO NONONONO. I call SO MUCH BS.
Jar Jar Abrams can eat me, this smells of ass-pulling.
Who are these nurses? WHY ARE THERE- Wait, he LITERALLY made Snoke? LITERALLY?! AND THE FIRST ORDER?!?! Not a bunch of people with like-mindedness and hatred, no. Not some people pulling money strings. Palpy. Palpy is a zombie. We're dragging the prequals into this. *breathe in* Okay. Palpy just HAD a star destroyer FLEET on standby. Okay.
Whine: "What could you possibly give me?"
Palpy: "Everything."
Like what the director's pulling out of his ass, amirite boys??
Finn, Poe, and Chewie get info from a spy, but are caught by the First Order. TIE FIGHTERS CAN LIGHTJUMP?? FUCK NO. FUCK NO. LORE BREAK. These character interactions feel hollow, or at least off. It doesn't feel like their previous personalities are talking. We skip to Rey floating in a jungle.
Rey: "I can't do this. It's impossible."
Leia: "It's not impossible."
Rey: "It's not impossible."
That... That was a first draft. Where's the rest of the conversation? Don't want to talk about insecurities, fears maybe? No? ok. This feels like someone playing with the toys of the movie, going through the steps a story SHOULD go through, but not putting too much thought into the dialogue or story itself. Like a self-indulgent AU of what COULD happen.
Whine fucked with her training. Poe returns and acts pissy. Rey is NOT the best fighter they have! She would NOT have helped too much in that dogfight! Poe is making shit up for conflict! And Finn feels, idk, neutered? He's too calm and collected? Exegol is a hidden Sith Planet. How does ANYONE know this? They shouldn't. At all. Unless Rey had it in her tests. But R2 and C3PO knew it. I call BS. Everyone is too chill with Palpy having been in the shadows from the beginning, acting like a puppeteer.
Luke was looking for Exegol. One just needs a "Sith Wayfinder" (One can be found at any Disney Store!). Finn asks Rose to come, but she refuses. Fuck you for writing her out of the movie, JJA. She was cute and exciting, but racists won you over. Fuck you, JJA. Guys, I'm not even 20 mins in. This is worse than I thought. IF THEY KILL C3PO I WILL SHIT BRICKS IN JJA'S YARD.
Rey: "I will earn this sword."
Leia: "Nah, take it. It's cool."
Rey: "K, thx."
WHERE. IS. THE. EMOTIONAL. IMPACTS?
DOES PALPY HAVE APES WORKING FOR HIM??? Oh, that feels racist.
OH NOW WE'RE APPROPRIATING KINTSUGI. WOW. An East-Asian woman gets ripped out of the script, and know we're using a Japanese art form to show the gathering of fascist forces. FUCK YOU, DISNEY/JJA. There's... There's a Black woman on the fascist and very ~white~ council. I don't think a fascist regime would listen to or have racial diversity in their leading board room. Also, Whine throws a tantrum to a pretty good question. What DOES the Sith want?
C3PO knows everything now. I hate it. He was supposed to be an every man/droid that knows more about protocol than adventure. He's supposed to be proper and calling out the "most unorthodox." Now he can just rattle off whatever anything is without any prior need. Rey is the only one that cares about the celebration. Finn acts annoyed at it. Characters are not making sense again. Really? We're caring about family with Rey? I thought we established that she doesn't care about that any more.
Whine tells Rey that she'll so turn to the dark side, just wait. LOREBREAK AGAIN. Not even Luke could transport matter across the Galaxy! It's a MENTAL connection, NOT ANY PHYSICAL. But nope, Whine just yoinks the beads off her neck. Yeah, fuck off.
Stormtrooper takes an arrow to the eye FROM LANDO!!! Wait, only 2 SithWayfinders were made? Ever? Why not just say that only 2 are left and that the Jedi destroyed the rest?! Was this movie script ever looked over at all??? The First Order is here, so the team books it by Poe hot-wiring a speeder. That wasn't in his toolkit before. Made more sense if Rey did it, since she's the scavenger. Stormtroopers get jetpacks now. I don't see how that can keep up with the speeders, but ok.
C3PO's character gets a line that's OOC for him again. He'd NEVER insult someone who wasn't R2! You're telling me a ship in a desert hasn't been taken away or scavenged after years? Yeah, okay. *coughcoughBScough* And Stormtroopers have bazookas now. The scene where Leia gets bad news is OOC for Leia. She doesn't work with blind optimism and wouldn't ask of it in a report! The Sinking Pits break physics and logic! Thanks, I hate it SO MUCH. I hate this scene! Though the flashlight bit was kinda funny.
A lot of this back-and-forth dialogue is so prickly. I feel like they don't care about each other in the slightest. This was supposed to be a found family trilogy, Force-dammit!! I feel like I'm being robbed. C3PO knows Sith, but is forbidden from translating it??
1) How does he know it? Did Sith or Jedi allow their language to be in droids?
2) Why would you allow a droid to READ Sith, but NOT translate it for others? Wouldn't a Jedi want to know what the Sith knows??
SO NOW THE FORCE CAN HEAL. OK, THAT'S FINE I GUESS. PULL ANOTHER OUT OF YOUR ASS. No one used it until now? Yoda didn't know it? Obi Wan didn't know it? LUKE didn't know it? Yeah, ok, eat me. Just...AND FEMALE-ONLY HEALER TROPE. I do like the pacifism shown here, but I am worried if they're going to go down the "heal the world and never fight" route. Healing an animal is one thing, but a fascist and an abuser is another. One fights to live, another fights to dominate.
Finn is expected to just *trust* Ren whenever she flits off without a word, but the moment Poe dips a toe out of line Finn is demanding answers and backstory??? Can I get some consistent character writing please?? If this abandoned ship takes off and does lightspeed, I might seriously throw something. No fuel thieves at ALL? No fucked up hull from sand damage? Just a little dusty and dinged?
CHEWIE GOT CAPTURED OFF SCREEN. YEAH, OK. AND HE JUST WALKS CALMLY INTO THE PRISON TRANSPORT. WOOKIES WILL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF OR DIE TRYING! THIS IS BULLSHIT! AT LEAST HAVE HIM ROAR OUT, OR KNOCK HIM OUT! SOMETHING! Is she going to lightsaber a Tie Fighter? She did. And now she's force-pulling a transport. And Whine isn't dead?? He should've been bruised to fuck and back!! Whatever, he also does a little tug-of-war with the transport and-
…….I need a moment.
After walking around and screaming for a bit, I'm ready to break this down. Rey, in a fit of anger and desperation, accidentally Force-Lightnings the transport when she meant to pull it down. This is because Whine is there, pulling the ship out of her grasp.
1) That's not how the Force works. There needs to be a clear idea of what you want and the will to have it happen. You can't accidentally activate ANY Force power if you're emotional enough!
2) Rey is a GIRL with UNTAMED EMOTIONS. Unlike all the Jedi/Sith BOYS.
3) Why should she feel anger and hate when her friend is about to be pulled out of her grasp? I feel like her character would feel more scared for Chewie being forced out of her life, rather than anger at a pasty white boy. I get Whine's fighting her, but...
4) Don't you have to learn how to let the Force flow through you to do shit like that? Force Lightning was supposed to be this badge of "congrats, you're a Sith now" not... something you did to your mother out of anger when she grounded you.
Finn did nothing to break Whine's focus? I don't expect a lot from him, but the Previous Finn would have FOUGHT Whine. Blaster, or QB Tackle, SOMETHING. Chewie's dead. I am SO NOT OKAY. Like... Fuck JJA! Fuck Disney! Fuck this! We're not even going to focus on Chewie's death. Wow. She zapped because she had a vision of her and Whine on a Sith Throne????????? Really????????????
OK, CHEWIE'S DEATH WAS A FAKE OUT. PHEW.
…...wait...….
CHEWIE'S DEATH WAS A FAKE OUT?!?!?!?! OMFG, FUCK THIS MOVIE!!!!! We got to see that Chewie is ok, then have the group talk about Chewie's death having meaning. Writing-wise, this is garbage. They only reassured us Chewie is ok, because they don't want fanboys to piss off immediately. This feels like reassuring a toddler.
Did no one not think that C3PO still had the dagger in his memory? This group got stupid fast. And C3PO is cool with the memory bypass now?? I don't know anymore. This is confusing. I don't even know what that memory bypass is. BB-8 found a little traumatized droid. Poe runs around in the shadows on Kojima(?), which looks fascist as fuck since the First Order took over. Poe was a spice runner. He couldn't just be an impulsive Latino pilot looking to be a hero, no. He was a criminal!
They're going to wipe C3PO... I am not ok. "There's something else we can try!" Then wipe. My feelings aren't wiped. I love this droid and now he's gone. Fuck JJA. I'm... I'm not okay. So, Zorii. I kind of like her sassy attitude, but I hope she doesn't stay. Nothing against her, but it'll feel like we're replacing an Asian woman (Rose) with this white woman. Also, was her and Poe a thing? I don't see them being a thing. Were they a thing?
Rey recalls seeing her parents on Ochi's ship. Okay... Oh good, we're going back to Endor. I am... not excited. And they sense that Chewie is alive! So that heartwrench is ignored. (But C3PO may not be.) Zorii gives her only way out of this mess to Poe, who confirmed was her ex. Plot device and plot giveaway. I don't buy Zorii would do this so willingly without a back up. (Also, crying at the line "Whoever this Chewie person is, this is madness!" C3PO....)
Finn doesn't know his way around the ships anymore? He worked on them! Character break! And Finn speaks Wookie now! That's new as well! I do like the little moment with Rey mind-tricking the guards. "Did she do that to us?" That was a little cute.
There was a female stormtrooper. Ok. If I can pick on the subtitles: they differentiate between "Female Announcer" and "Announcer" like male is default and normal, while female is abnormal and different. That feels wrong.
Chewie, Finn, and Poe get captured. Rey finds a room of Sith artifacts. Whine mentally tells her to remember her past, then fights her. He finds out where she is by item teleportation AGAIN (SO STUPID). Something else about Palpy wanting young Rey. Back to Chewie, Finn, and Poe: they get saved by Hux. He was the spy! BULLSHIT. He was so invested in Snoke's brutality and the First Order prevailing! He was underneath Snoke himself! How did Snoke/Palpy not see it?! Is this so people can like the First Order and/or Hux? Hux wants Whine to lose. Not for the Resistance to win, or because it's the right thing. He has a stupid rivalry with Whine. I mean... I guess it's in character, but to take down the First Order with him??? IDK, feels shaky still.
Palpy wanted Rey because she's Palpy's granddaughter. I- WHAT? That wasn't EVER MENTIONED before!! Also, did he- Did Palpy *fuck?* He had a SON?! WHEN?! Oh, and fuck that "dyad in the Force" bullshit! Now Hux, who was wounded and with a cane, was killed. The group finds the Death Star 2.0 on Endor. Rey takes out the dagger and- THE DAGGER COULD NOT HAVE BEEN- THAT IS WRECKAGE! What, did the Sith know that a Jedi was going to need the Wayfinder, so made a map FOR THE FUTURE?! BULLSHIT AND COCKS!!!
There is no way that dagger map would ever fucking work! Landscapes change all the time due to erosion and building of structures and fauna! AND THE FACT IT'S PERFECTLY BUILT FOR WRECKAGE?!?!?! Eat me, JJA!! EAT ME!!
C3PO's lack of memory is used for humor, but it just HURTS ME. OVER AND OVER. Also, new female character! She's black and I feel she was written by racists?? It feels... not good. Rey stole the water skimmer to go at the Wayfinder alone. Even though someone told her it was too dangerous and they would go with her later. Whatever. Poe and Finn stay prickly with each other for NO REASON. Almost like the execs didn't want them too close.
Rey finds the Wayfinder on the Death Star. And a Sith version of herself. Whine finds her and destroys the Wayfinder. Rey and Whine fight. There's something about how she will be Sith and she can't resist it. Which is bullshit on SO MANY LEVELS, but ok. Rey looks like she's having a hard time fighting although Whine isn't breaking a sweat, and all I can think of is the fanboys bitching about how Rey was a Mary Sue. "GiRlS cAn'T fIgHt!1!" I'm rolling my eyes...
Leia calls out to Ben telepathically to distract him, I think? Either way, she only gets his name out and then dies. Not fighting off the First Order, or going down with the Resistance. She dies by reaching out and trying to bring her son back to the Light. Ew. Rey strikes a lethal blow on Whine (YAY!!) and we mourn Leia all together. REY HEALED HIM?!?! WHY DID REY HEAL WHINE?! What, because leading him to the light? Why do we care about his redemption? AND THEN LEAVES HIM?! And Finn did nothing, again.
Han's ghost comes out to tell Whine to go to the light already.
"Dad..."
"I know."
HAVE A MAN SAY I LOVE YOU! Han did in Episode 6! Why not here?! Look, I hate Whine, but fuck toxic masculinity MORE!
Whine throws his saber into the ocean. Palpy orders Pryde (who is he?) to come to him. Palpy's ships are Death Star ships. Why not?! Poe is General now?! But she had other people in line! Ochi's droid is the Wayfinder now. So destroying it was pointless. Rey throws a fit and encounters Luke's ghost. And we get a retcon of why Luke stayed on that island! Because him not wanting to live as a legend among others and being reminded of his past failures wasn't enough! No, no, he was *afraid* of something. Gag me!
Everyone knew Rey was a Palpy spawn??? AND LEIA HAD A SABER?! Wait, she gave up her training because she thought it would save her son? They pulled that from Anakin's bs in the prequal! Is there no more well-written characters in this movie?! Rey takes the Wayfinder from Whine's ship and puts it in Luke's X-Wing (which cannot go Lightspeed). R2 meets with C3PO and quickly fixes his memory. Like that. Under 30 seconds. WHY DID YOU BREAK MY HEART THEN, YOU BASTARDS?! C3PO DESERVED BETTER THAN THAT!!!
C3PO has always been the butt of many jokes in most of the movies. I get it. But not to this extent! He was still seen as a valuable character with high-quality skills! Here? He's treated as little more than a computer with legs! Droids are people, not THIS!! I need to get a break tonight. I'll pick this back up tomorrow with fresh mind and emptied anger. I swear, this movie will make anyone consider the Dark Side, but not the way it intended.
Before I begin again, a small rant. All the women (even Rey and Leia) feel like they're tools for the men's "needs". New women to pair up with Finn and Poe. Rey and Leia to bring Whine to the light. It's unfair to these characters to reduce them to this!!
Rey has Luke's ship and is showing the rebels how to get there. The rebels take off with a plan to destroy the nav tower and send out a message with hope the allies will join them. It didn't work last movie, but sure, I believe they'll join you here. Rey flies through the fleet untouched and enters the Sith temple. (All these statues are Palpy! The rats are Palpy's dna spliced with small aliens! The dust is Palpy's breath! All ends and begins with Palpy! BECAUSE PALPY WAS SUCH A GOOD VILLAIN RIGHT?! RIGHT?!)
The rebels arrive and already the nav tower idea won't work. First Order switched their nav to a command ship. So that's where Poe and Jannah are going. Note: I had to look up her name. I don't think they say it more than once. I definitely didn't hear it! The transport had the horses from Jannah's planet. This probably isn't my place to point this out, but I feel uncomfortable with the black characters riding horses covered in tribal markings while carrying bow-like weapons. IN SPACE. There had to be a better way.
The rest of the ground crew isn't riding on horses! They're just running around! From what I can see, all the riders are brown or black! This feels racist. Then again, I'm white, so I can't say, it's not my lane, I know. But. Rey finds the Sith throne, empty. It looks like a stadium of aliens watch her. Palpy looks so bad, like a puppet-zombie. He says to strike him down will make his spirit flow into her, and she will become Emperor. Yeah, ok, Palpy. Time to go back to bed, grandpa. The rebels blow up the nav on the command ship. Palpy shows Rey that the rebels are living on borrowed time. Whine runs to the "rescue" and forgets that Jedi/Sith are immune to fall damage.
I cannot get over how Palpy looks like an animatronic.
Rey and Whine share a mental moment and she gives Whine one of her sabers through that teleport BS. And the "dyad" between them is strong enough to be life itself. And it either hurts him or restores him. Don't know what causes the difference. The Jedi/Sith lore has been pissed all over and the Force is now a power you have. Instead of an energy that flows through everything and everyone, it's now reduced to your midochlorian count or bloodline or lifebond. Fuck This Shit.
A sky full of allies shows up to help the rebels in their final hour. Yay? It feels like another way JJA tried to stick it to Rian. "What? The allies never showed? That was STUPID!" It gave the rebels a new hope and was a powerful moment. Unlike this one. Palpy seems to be back to a full life. He slaps Whine into a pit and Force Lightnings the sky so it ONLY hits the Rebels. That's IMPOSSIBLE lore-wise as it's meant to be an unruly attack, but sure, let's piss on more lore. We haven't soaked all the pages yet!
Rey wakes to see her friends dying. She calls on the Jedi of the past and... I kind of like them all whispering to her. A lot of names I didn't expect to see appear and guide her. THIS IS YOUR ONE, JJA! YOUR ONE AND ONLY! Rey rises and summons her saber and blocks Palpy's lightning.
"I am all the Sith!"
"And I am all the Jedi!"
With that, she kills him and wipes out the temple. It was badass. Not worth the rest of this movie to get there, but it was badass. The Command Ship goes down with Finn and Jannah hitching a ride on the Falcon. Rey falls, wounded from her fight?? Whine rises and takes Rey in his arms. He cried for the lost heroine, knowing he didn't deserve her time or energy. And hE HEALS HER! FROM DEATH! THEY WHAT?! WHY DID THIS SHIP SAIL?! WHY?! EW EW EWEWEWEWEW!!! And he dies anyway! So why?! I will die angry over this stupid decision. This was unwarranted and unnecessary!
The rest of the fleet falls and is now destroyed. They go home and celebrate, with two girls kissing. For 2 seconds. But not two boys! Chewie finally got his medal. A few movies too late. Jannah gets Lando to mentor her (or something). The trio hug, happy this turd is wrapping up. Some time later, Rey arrives in Tatooine, burying the sabers near Owen's home. She has a new yellow saber. A woman asks who she is. "Rey Skywalker." And swipe to credits.
Why bury them in Tatooine? Luke wanted to leave the whole time, and Leia was there under enslavement. Why not at an old Rebel base, or on the Falcon? Also, why this huge need to have a family name? I get she wanted family (Poe and Finn), but the need for a name? Why isn't BB-8 with Poe? It's supposed to be his flight droid. Why wasn't Chewie there to help her? I'm sure he would have loved to help her honor his closest friends! What about Finn's ending? He's Force-sensitive! Does Rey teach him??
I need to stop. This movie drained me badly. I just want a long nap and some Advil. Way to ruin a franchise worse than the fanboys, JJA/Disney!!! 2/10, watch the hate flow through the viewers and see the struggle to not go to the Dark Side.
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