Kill Bill: Volume 2
[Content Note: Rape, Racism, Gore]
(Kissmate) About to start Kill Bill Volume 2. I've been told it's worse than the other, but nothing else. Volume 1 exhausted me, so let's see if I can power my way through this one! I'm going to assume that the previous warnings of rape, gore, and racism still apply. And that the dialogue is still horribly written from before. And that the director is a GIGANTIC weaboo. So if the same still applies, I may not mention it too much.
Uma catches us back up on what happened in Volume 1, and mentions Bill is the only one left. What happened to the other two? CHAPTER SIX. Uma mentions that her attack became infamous, almost like an urban legend. So many versions, but she's telling us the facts. The shooting happened during a wedding rehearsal. Bill finds her. Uma wanted out of the killing business, and was getting married to keep out of it. Bill is introduced as her father to the groom (a lie). I've noticed that the camera loves feet for no reason.
This whole thing doesn't feel tense. We should have started Volume 1 with this scene! Pregnant woman, no family, getting out of the killing business. Man comes in, unsure of who he is, but he's important. And then - BAM! - shooting happens and we think she's dead! Speaking of shooting, the four assassins come in and shoot up the church. Then flash forward to a desert. Budd says if Uma comes for him, he'll own up to what he did. He says it in a VERY racist way and I don't feel comfortable repeating it. (TW: anti-Semitism) As racist as Budd is, at least he's """honorable""" about his past actions? I still can't care about him.
CHAPTER SEVEN. Budd walks in late to work and gets fired (I think). This all takes way too long with a lot of horrible dialogue from horrible people. One example as to why this dialogue is bad: Budd is a bouncer at a strip club. One girl is mean or blasé to him. His job is to keep the girls safe, and the boss is an asshole. Tarantino wrote her with the idea that Budd is beneath her, so she treats him as such. Because we've been with Budd for a while, the audience is inclined to side with him. But she's no reason to be mean to him! "Fix/Clean the toilet" isn't a bouncer's job, true, but you'd think the person asking the favor would be nice about it!
Moving on! Uma waits under a trailer for him, while he's busy looking for snipers. She tries to surprise him by swinging the door open, but he's waiting with a shotgun with rock salt. He tranqs her after humiliating her some. It's all pretty boring, really. Budd calls Elle and tells her he'll sell Uma's sword for $1 million and make Uma suffer. Uma wakes up with a decision: get buried alive quietly with a flashlight, or buried alive with a can of mace in her eyes. There's more sexist dialogue and racism here too.
Volume 2 is tame and boring compared to Volume 1. Sure, V1 was garbage, but it was entertaining at the beginning. V2 feels like nothing is happening as slow as possible. Don't get me wrong. I feel for Uma being buried alive. BUT I KNOW SHE GETS OUT BECAUSE OF THE INTRO. Tarantino keeps tipping his hand over and over and it just tells me that "don't worry, it'll all be ok!" and that can only work if you keep my attention. It's hard to build tension if I DON'T know what's going to happen! So when they slowly bury her, it's boring.
CHAPTER EIGHT. Bill plays a flute and talks of a Master Pai Mei. He's a man who kills anyone who might be insulting him. He hates white people and women, but still teaches Uma on Bill's request. And does he look cliché! Like, anime doesn't get this cliché! Then again, this feels like an old martial arts type movie, not anime, but it's still SO RACIST! The master hates everyone and every thing. He's one of the worst people ever. The trope he's trying to be is "hard-ass mentor" but it's extremely off track!
Also, I thought Hanzo taught Bill. Does Bill have many teachers and Pai Mei is supposed to be "The Hot Shit" that Uma just unlocked in the past? And the first lesson he teaches her is "I am more powerful than you and you aren't shit." Great lesson, asshole. We see him practically BREAK her in spirit and it's uncomfortable to watch. Flash forward to her buried again. She manages to cut her bonds. Using Pai Mei's teachings, she breaks the wood and tunnels upward to get free. Okay, the waiter's reaction to seeing Uma covered in dirt walk up, sit down, and nicely ask for water was kind of funny.
CHAPTER NINE. Elle drives up to Budd. Uma crosses the desert still covered in dirt. Couldn't wash up in the bathroom sink? Elle and Budd talk a bit. (What the hell does Buffaloed Bill mean?) Elle stuck a Black Mamba with the money, causing Budd to die a painful death. Then she gets credit for killing Uma. We learn her name! Beatrix Kiddo is Uma's name. Why did we not know it til now? Uma and Elle fight for a bit. No music and no tension, so boring. Uma finds Budd's Hanzo sword. Huh, he said he got rid of it. It was a gift from Bill. "To my brother, Budd, the only man I ever loved." So why did he lie? Makes no sense.
We learned Elle got her eye snatched out because she mouthed off to Pai Mei. Then she killed Pai Mei with poison. Uma's reaction means one of two things: horror that someone she respected is dead, or horror that Elle killed a powerful master of martial arts. Uma plucks out Elle's other eye, causing Elle to go into a panicked fury. Instead of killing her, Uma leaves Elle alone with a Black Mamba. Are we to assume she dies, or is it leaving her blind akin to leaving her dead? It's bad either way.
LAST CHAPTER. Uma heads to Mexico to meet with one of Bill's father figures. He flirts with her A LOT. Considering he was a "pimp" and is an abuser, this is awkward and uncomfortable. He tells her where to find Bill, nonetheless, so off she goes. Something to note: her sword was considered the best Hanzo has ever made. She left it behind and kept Budd's sword. This feels like a bad decision. Was it not worth trying to bring two of them? The fuck??
Uma walks into Bill's room with gun drawn and faces Bill and her daughter playing dead with toy guns. The look on her face is horror and shock. Which is most of Uma's reactions. If not anger. Now that I think about it, what IS Uma's character like? Two whole movies and I don't know anything about Uma other than her mentors and her need for revenge. What's her personality? Is she kind? Is she mean? She likes children, I guess. Anything else, though? I feel like I know more about the villains than I do her!
Another thing to meaninglessly piss on, the "four-year-old" daughter is played by a seven-year-old. Does Tarantino know there's a difference between children of different ages? 4 is not in the same category as 7 or 8! Bill is trying to make this scene playful for the kid, BB. Uma plays along and hugs her daughter. Hiding behind a child so she doesn't kill him. This asshole. He's making this revenge story more boring! Bill and Uma is letting a four-year-old watch a movie about assassins. Clever or silly? Silly.
Uma gets up to talk to Bill. And maybe she did bring her own sword and not Budd's... Nevermind then!! Bill shoots her with a truth serum to get answers. Now he's going on about comics. I feel Tarantino is talking to us about pop culture now. And he's getting it WRONG. God, it's like listening to an edgy geek go on about how wrong he is without knowing he's wrong! No, Clark Kent isn't a "critique on humanity" from Superman. Clark Kent is a disguise worn so he can blend in with other humans! Clark is mild-mannered (fuck off "weak/coward" bullshit) because that flies under the radar better than a power-lifting beefcake!
Bill asks her questions. We get a flashback to when Uma finds out she's pregnant. It's ridiculous and sexist. Also, Tarantino doesn't know how pregnancy works. She looks 8 months at the attack. Bill found her in three months. Bad writing, methinks. A small fight while sitting, and Pai Mei taught her the death technique! She uses it on BIll. Why did Pai Mei teach her that? He didn't like her! Why her and not ANYONE ELSE? BAD WRITING! It also gives an asshole a bloodless death. WE WANT A FIGHT SCENE, ASSHOLE!
Bill dies. Uma takes her daughter away. The next morning, Uma cries/laughs quietly in the bathroom. THE END. THANK FUCKING SWEET BLESSED FUCK, IT'S OVER. This was boring, preachy, and offensive. Not worth watching, even for all the weaboo snacks and figures money could buy. 0/10, just NEVER again. Both movies? 0/10. It'd be a CHORE to sit through, and a messy one at that. The kind you need a hot shower after. I just need to say this movie series promised me action scenes and failed to make them fun, interesting, or impactful. I feel ROBBED.
You want a good revenge story with good action? Go watch John Wick! Has a better protagonist to boot, too!
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