Kissmate is sick and running a 103 degree temperature, so (a) thoughts are appreciated, (b) we might have to go to urgent care if Advil and water don't bring the fever down, and (c) he wants me to live tweet a terrible Amazon movie to take his mind off the probable flu he has. [Editor's Note: This was previously posted on Twitter; Kissmate is fine now.]
This one he picked out: it's called MERMAID LAKE OF THE DEAD. It's on Amazon Prime. "For years, she has lurked in the depths, waiting. Once a young woman sent to a tragic and watery grave, she has since become something unholy. Cursed to swim the waters in which she met her untimely death, the mermaid has risen once again."
A little girl is explaining that the Russian mermaid in the lake will drown you as soon as you express your love for her and I'm excitedly screaming because it's a rusalka??? The little girl says if you DON'T love her, she'll hound you to your grave and separate you from all your loved ones. There's an escape clause if you give the mermaid your most precious possession, but nobody has ever managed to be released before.
On a bridge, a girl approaches a boy who has creepy blood red eyes. He falls into the water and she whispers "no, take me!" Then she manages to pull him out. OH NO ETHEREAL SINGING AND WOOD CREAKING. The girl just got yanked into the water by magic and blue hands before a title dropped. That was legitimately terrifying?
We're in a swimming pool. A girl and her boy are talking about an old house they want to fix up. Girl is scared of swimming so that's gonna be a thing later. Why do all killer mermaid movies have a girl scared of water? The boy has a cocky friend and they're both competitive swimmers. One or both of them has got to be doomed. Apparently Boy's missing father--who has been absent for 20 years--sent them the deed and keys to "a summer house" and told them to sell it. Boy and Friend are going to check it out as a fun bachelor experience, I guess.
THE LAKE BEHIND THE HOUSE IS WHERE BOY'S MOTHER DROWNED. Father lit out of town rather than pick the kids up from their grandmother's. I'm assuming rusalka killed the mom and dad lit out of town to protect the kids? The basement is flooded oh no oh no oh- welp, boys have arrived for a bachelor party. Boy goes out to the lake to avoid the dancing girls hired by his shitty friends. Oh god, he decided to swim. Kissmate is feverishly chanting "si-ren, si-ren" while the boy swims in the lake that drowned his mother. There's...There's a lot here.
A frail blond girl stands on the dock when he surfaces. She's got a (bloody?) hair comb and he's hypnotized into kissing her, oh no, I think he's doomed. The "mermaid" has hissed "do you love me" in the legit scariest tone ever, like, Voldemort has nothing on this chick. Oh no, it's morning and his friends are looking for him, he's dead, he- wait, he's lying by the water? He asks "where's the girl?" His friends carry him off and pick up a comb from the ground. What??
OH GOD, the showers are malfunctioning in his locker room and we're both terrified, this movie is fucking with our heads. NO NO NO SHE'S BEHIND HIM ASKING "DO YOU LOVE ME" AND THE LOCKER SLAMMED ON HIS HAND, SLIGHTLY HURTING HIM, AND WE SCREAMED. This is essentially a ghost movie and ghosts terrify me so that's a thing??
The rusalka apparently has power over all water so that's worrying. The comb is also being used as a calling card of some kind--Boy's sister recognizes the comb from her childhood and found an old picture of it. Ruslka asks him if he loves her and he says no, so she tries to drown him midway through his swimming competition. When Boy wakes up, he tells Girl, Friend, and Sister about the strange visions he keeps having. God bless that his sister is putting this together?? TEAM SISTER.
Ok, seriously, this movie is TERRIFYING. If you like ghost movies, you might like this, I DO NOT, but Kissmate is holding my hands very tightly. SUMMARY SO FAR: Boy/Roma meet a girl at the lake and she's haunting him, demanding to hear him say he loves her. She's *also* haunting Girl/Marina, telling her that Roma doesn't love her. Sister/Olga is trying to piece together everything. The rusalka lured Roma into a hospital room, slammed the door, appeared under a sheet as a contorted blue-green corpse, then leapt for his throat, but we've had several jump scares turn out fine so far. Kissmate thinks she can only do illusions and water. I don't know.
Somehow, the Sister has convinced everyone to take a dying Roma back to the lake?? OH NO, no, she's taking him to confront their father. OH OH OH OH, the dad is the guy from the very beginning of the movie! Holy shit, I love Sister???? She's not scared of this ghost at all! She's just like we're going down to the lake to kick her ass metaphysically. Ok, but seriously the fiancee on the other hand--Marina--is made of bad decisions. This girl will not survive the winter.
Cocky Friend finds a gravestone with a name under the water, and a shit load of corpses who try to drag him under. Sister saves him and acquires the name. MARINA JUST KICKED A JUMP-SCARE IN THE FACE. Kissmate likes her again. Why does this only have 3 stars, this is scary sure, but it's way better than most Amazon Prime unknowns. The moral of the movie so far seems to be that ghosts can't get you if you observe a strict buddy system and I like that moral.
They've deduced that the Mother did a ritual in which she offered the rusalka her comb back in exchange for keeping the loved one (Dad). Sister points out that Mother died, so this isn't exactly a success story, but Marina is determined to try something since they keep getting jump scared. Cocky Friend was alone outside (whyyyyy, your buddy system was working so well!) and the rusalka approaches him. He says he loves her and- yeah, I don't think that's- I think he's left the movie now. YOUR BUDDY SYSTEM WAS WORKING, WHY WOULD YOU ALL SPLIT UP LIKE THAT!
Marina seems to have made a successful trade. Roma is looking healthy again. Sister is fine. Cocky Friend is...hypnotized but alive? A dozen Marinas are asking Roma if he loves them, so that's not terrifying. Jesus. Apparently he chooses correctly. (Did the Dad pick the wrong one? Oh, Kissmate says the Mom didn't figure out the ritual--it needed a mirror.) Somehow Cocky Friend is ok now? Press X to doubt! They're leaving the house but honestly just set it on fire?? Oh no, Cocky Friend went back into the house and is murmuring "I do love you" my god the buddy system is fracturing again.
Kissmate: Why did he have to go and say he loves her?
Me: Maybe it's a Will save? You have to actually love someone else in order to resist?
Cocky Friend got drowned in the basement. Roma goes down to see him and Rusalka whispers "I'll take everyone you love" and attacks. So she's not appeased yet. Sister and Marina show up and save Roma and they all run to the car. The engine breaks down and it starts raining. JUST STAY IN THE CAR. Oh. Rusalka locks the door with the girls in it and the car starts filling up with water. This is why you need the thing that breaks the window. Keep one in your glove box! Be safe!
Roma tries to sacrifice himself--"I do love you"--to make her leave the others alone, but she refuses because "you love her!" Olga has decided that since Mom's life saved Dad, then sacrificing Marina will save Roma. I don't think this is going to work, but I gotta admit her logic is sound. Holy crumbs, Dad showed up to stop Olga? He says the trade can't be forced and has to be given freely; that the rusalka wants actual love to feed on and turn into agony and hatred.
Rusalka appeared and took Olga and Dad, but we learned that...cutting her hair hurts her. Roma is dying on the dock so, despite being afraid of water, Lisa throws herself into the water as a sacrifice ARMED WITH SCISSORS. Marina hacks off some hair and Roma recovers. Kissmate is having to narrate like an English descriptive service because I can't watch ghost movies, lolsob.
Marina climbs up to hug Roma and asks "do you love me". Roma says "of course!" and cuts alllllllll her hair off because it's the rusalka. She falls into the water and is dragged down by her own victims. Roma dives in to locate his girlfriend who can't swim and CPR happens which Kissmate informs me is decent but not great. Marina pukes up water and they hug. MUCH LOVE. If I liked ghost movies I'd give that 5 stars but I hate ghost movies so eeeee at least it's over and they're safe.
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