Sonic the Hedgehog
Kissmate says: Good Evening, Everyone! I figure I'm overdue for a #Kissmatewatches, so let's get one started with Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)! I first saw the announcement and was excited! Then the first trailer came out. After the BLOW-UP of hatred, they fixed Sonic. I've heard nothing since. I'm no stranger to Sonic, nor his fans. I've seen some of the best of this hero. And I've seen the worst, too. Maybe this won't be so bad?
It's got Jim Carrey in it? Oh, that's... Um... Hmm. Paramount opened with golden rings instead of stars for their logo. It looks BAD. San Fran is the unfortunate host for the battle between Sonic and Dr Robotnik. We nearly get a record-scratch intro before being thrown back in time. Because Sonic always goes too fast for us. So he started the story in the middle. GeT iT?!
Shut Up!
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Lego Batman
Kissmate is really sick tonight (which is scary, but we're pretty sure it's a stomach flu?) so we're going to try to watch something fun: his copy of LEGO BATMAN, which I've never seen. He warned me not to expect, uh, edgy coke-classic Batman, but I'm familiar with the Lego Batman character through various trailers and I remember liking him a lot, so I think we'll be fine. (Why never a live-action version of the Lego Batman? He's fun!)
We're informed in an edgy deep voice that: "...Black. All really important films start with a black screen. And logos." Snerk. "DC. The house that Batman built. Yeah, what Superman? Come at me, bro." HOWLING. "Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab." ASJDLAKJSDLJ
An airplane from "McGuffin Airlines" radios to ask permission to fly over the most crime-infested city in the world. They're carrying every explosive known to mankind (including "150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs") and "two best friends". Oh my god. Gotham air control feels good about this plan, "as long as they're best friends!" OH MY GOD.
Shut Up!
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Once again, I find myself apologizing that this newsletter is late and I'm so sorry. February ended up being a real kick in the teeth in terms of healthcare; Kissmate needed to go to the Emergency Room again for a second time and we learned that he probably needs his gallbladder out. He's been unable to work for almost 5 weeks now, which has been several layers of stressful.
This and the upcoming "Pandemic Anniversary" of the last time we left the house without masks has caused me to have a depression flare the likes of which I don't remember experiencing before. Mostly I just want to lie in bed and give up because everything seems so very overwhelming, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way (especially when "everyone else" seems fine). I know all those things are brain-lies, but they're very seductive brain-lies if that makes sense.
I am excited about the content I have for patreon this month: there are three fairy tale retellings going up and they're all very queer and very trans. I hope you like them as much as I do. Alex, my artist for this project, is very excited about starting on two of them because they're old favorites of his, and I just know that this is going to be wonderful when it all pulls together at the end.
I know I say this every time, but thank you for being here with me. It means the world to me and really keeps me going when it feels like the sky is pressing down.
Links
My Patreon: Here.
@KissmateKittens: Here.
My Ramblings Deconstructions: Here.
My YouTube Let's Plays: Here.
My Favorite Tumblr Funnies: Here.
Shut Up!
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Jurassic Games
I need to get rid of all the emotions the Good Place finale gave me, so Kissmate says we can live-watch a really terrible movie on Amazon Prime tonight. Amazon Prime has served up "The Jurassic Games", which is... The Hunger Games and Jurassic Park. I believe it's the same genre of movies as Velocipastor. The trick will be seeing how far we get before we have to bail. "Every year, 10 of the world's most lethal death row criminals are chosen to compete for freedom in The Jurassic Games, a television show where contestants must survive against a variety of dinosaurs."
We open with a George Carlin quote that probably isn't really George Carlin but one never can be quite sure about these things without pausing, and the gist is that capital punishment should be more entertaining to the masses. We see a lot of future tech touch screens and I'm surprised to see that this is apparently trying to be a... real movie? Not an obvious silly parody, really?
A man on death row is invited to be part of the Jurassic Games, and we see a bunch of folks with VR headsets in a room. So the "games" are going to be in a virtual reality world, and it's presumably a Matrixy "the mind makes it real" situation? WHO KNOWS. NOT ME. There's a host in a sharp black suit and a black helmet that is BOTH a dinosaur AND a saber-tooth tiger somehow. Yes, he's explaining that the world is real for the contestants.
Shut Up!
