Kissmate is really sick tonight (which is scary, but we're pretty sure it's a stomach flu?) so we're going to try to watch something fun: his copy of LEGO BATMAN, which I've never seen. He warned me not to expect, uh, edgy coke-classic Batman, but I'm familiar with the Lego Batman character through various trailers and I remember liking him a lot, so I think we'll be fine. (Why never a live-action version of the Lego Batman? He's fun!)
We're informed in an edgy deep voice that: "...Black. All really important films start with a black screen. And logos." Snerk. "DC. The house that Batman built. Yeah, what Superman? Come at me, bro." HOWLING. "Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab." ASJDLAKJSDLJ
An airplane from "McGuffin Airlines" radios to ask permission to fly over the most crime-infested city in the world. They're carrying every explosive known to mankind (including "150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs") and "two best friends". Oh my god. Gotham air control feels good about this plan, "as long as they're best friends!" OH MY GOD.
Joker immediately takes over the plane and the captain isn't afraid. "Batman will stop you. What about that time with the two boats?" "THIS IS BETTER THAN THE TWO BOATS." Such a better Joker than Leto. (Kissmate thanks you for your well wishes and also added "LEGO BATMAN RULES" in his Jason From The Good Place voice.)
Gotham is simultaneously under attack from ALL the villains and we get a little roll-call. Bane seems cheerful. "Are you making some of those up?" the pilot asks after the introduction of Condiment-King. Comics, amiright. They try to flip on the bat-signal but it has been nefariously egged by Eggman. OH NO.
We learn that Gotham is built over an infinite abyss that smells like dirty underwear, which makes SO MUCH SENSE by the way, and that Joker is going to cause the city to plummet into the abyss if the mayor doesn't surrender the city. They fly the mayor in to surrender and she advises him to "always bet on black" before pulling off her face to reveal she is Batman. OH MY GOD. (I love the covering SWAT team and their cheerful "non-lethal!" weapons.)
Batman: "I just wrote a song about how I'm going to kick all your butts!"
Joker: "Stop him before he starts singing!"
OH MY GOD. ...This is the greatest piece of art in all of human existence. HE HAS A PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATE THAT SAYS "BATTITUDE". He sings "I am 100% not Bruce Wayne" and I am actually hyperventilating with laughter. Help me. The Lego physics are really beautiful? It's super cool to see how they physics?
Bats tells Joker that they don't have a relationship ("I like to fight around") and that no one matters to him before saving the city again and visiting the orphanage with free Batman merch for them. Aww! Bats returns to his mansion-island (Password: "Iron Man sucks.") and it's very lonely and empty. Alfred is on the 17th floor, grouting tiles in the 2nd bathroom of the 5th master bedroom.
Alfred left him lobster thermidor in the fridge and Bats heats it up in the microwave before eating it in his pool full of battleships. He's LONELY. My god, this is more interested in Bats' psyche than the last five live-action movies. (Me, to Kissmate: "Wait, how is Robin introduced in this film if the old movies are also canon to this timeline?" Kissmate: "Don't think about it. Stop that right now. Also: there are lots of Robins. Look over there, a distraction!") Alfred points out that he needs to face his greatest fear of being part of a family again. Batman insists it's just snake-clowns he's afraid of.
On his way to a party, Bats takes in a Superman interview about the Phantom Zone that houses the world's greatest supervillains. Joker takes in the same show and has an Idea. We meet Robin for the first time and he's precious?
Robin: "My name's Richard Grayson, but all the other children at the orphanage call me Dick!"
Bats: "Well, children can be cruel."
Bats isn't paying attention to Dick--he's dazzled by the new commissioner, Barbara Gordon--so he kinda absently agrees to adopt orphan Dick before wandering off. My heart. This poor baby. Barbara has a 4-point plan to improve crime in Gotham by NOT relying on Batman and this is the most self-aware Batman movie I've ever seen? "We don't need an adult man karate-chopping poor people in a Halloween costume." YES?
Joker crashes the party and Bats 'n Barbara kick ass separately before converging on Joker, who surrenders to Babs. She's suspicious (thank god) but what are you gonna do, NOT make the arrest? Harley (who is doing great here!) plants the suggestion that they send Joker to the Phantom Zone--the place with all the supervillains--and Batman loves the idea.
Batman returns home to find that Alfred has locked him out of the computer. Alfred wants Bats to get to know the orphan he accidentally adopted at the gala. I was afraid I'd hate this Robin, but I love him. He's cute but not annoying? The computer assesses that the only way to send Joker to the Phantom Zone is to infiltrate Superman's fortress for a gadget, but he's too swol and muscular to fit through the access tunnel. Dick, however, is not.
One costume-sequence later, Dick is wearing a glittery gold cape and Alfred has doubts. Batman: "How dare you tell me how to parent this child I just met!" I'm dying. Yes. Good. Yes. MY HEART, Batman has suddenly started putting his arm in front of Robin when he breaks the car, and in spite of all his intentions to the contrary HE CARES.
Bats expects that Superman, like all heroes, broods all the time so it should be easy to distract him while Robin steals the thingy they need. Except, MY HEART, they're having the 57th Annual Justice League party without him. There's a disco ball. Batman broods while the other superheroes dance and have a great time, then whisks away to coordinate with Robin.
I love them so much together? Batman is awful but in, like, the best way. He and Robin are so cute together? And I really did think Robin would annoy me but I just love him to pieces and want to protect. Bats and Robin sneak the phantom zone projector into Arkham Asylum so they can send Joker to the zone. Barbara then locks them up without due process which feels very out of character for her given that her entire thing is supposed to be due process and accountability! Kinda annoyed by that! Not gonna lie! Otherwise genuinely love her character!
Joker convinces the Phantom Zone Folks to join up with him and Harley uses the gadget to open the portal. We get a lovely little villain montage! Voldemort! Sauron! King Kong! Wicked Witch! Medusa! British Robots! Barbara says she'll let Batman out if he'll work together with her to stop the monsters. AND he takes the piss out of Suicide Squad, which is wonderful and we're laughing again.
Action happens and it's great and Alfred almost dies but he's FINE and that's honestly the most tense and worried I've been in any comic-book movie EVER. HOW IS THIS BETTER THAN MOST COMIC-BOOK MOVIES?!? Bats sends the others away to protect them and Joker pops him into the Phantom Zone. The judge-computer forces him to confront his selfish behavior. FEELS.
Oh bless, they are taking the piss out of Nightwing and I'm just delighted.
Batman confesses to the others that he left them because he was scared. He wants to work together with them--and with the inmates of Arkham who Joker abandoned. Costumes happen. ("If you call me Batgirl can I call you Batboy?") Alfred is amazing, hahahah. "You just got Union Jacked!" This is just so much FUN. There's joy and emotions and happiness and I love it?
Working together they save Gotham and Batman goes back to the Phantom Zone with the rest of the prisoners. Having confessed his love to his family he's no longer a Bad Guy and the judge won't keep him. He's free! and capable of change! I really loved that so much. I didn't expect that! That was honestly one of the best Batman movies ever somehow! How is the best Batman movie a LEGO movie?
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